Muscular Musicians Needed

[Jonathan C]

I felt the need to share this Long Island Craigslist posting for everyone's amusement.
Enjoy!
[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

 

[hrodbert696]

For when it's gone:

Musicians with large, fit physique and intimidating demeanor needed to serve as house band and bouncers in rough neighborhood night club in central Nassau. Weekend DJ crowd has created a dangerous environment in my bar where fights have lead to my security staff being dangerously overpowered by fighting patrons. Looking to change format and have live band play sets. It works as follows:
12 musicians on shift:
•6 play a set: Drums, keys, bass, guitar, male vocal, female vocal
•The other 6 bounce and/2 check ID OR frisk at the door, 2 bounce stage, 2 bounce bar.
•You play an hour, bounce an hour, from 7pm until 2:30am. Female vocalist may tend bar or execute bag search and frisk of female patrons.
•Pay based on how many patrons come to see you play or how many tickets you sell.
•D&B House sound system provided.
•DW kit, Ampeg bass rig and assorted guitar combo amps.
•Fights or assaults during shift results in forfeit of pay. We want a peaceful atmosphere where patrons feel safe.
• half hour dinner break for each musician.
•drinking alcohol on shift results in immediate termination without pay.
•Musicians without ideal physique may be considered for janitorial duties and in-house sub work if one of the guys in the band calls in sick or is terminated on the job.
•Mandatory paid rehearsals on Monday and Tuesday nights followed by paid group gym time.
•please email me height weight and photo that displays your physique. Nude photos or photos of inappropriate nature will not be considered and/or be sent to authorities. Also send video of you performing and 3 references.

 

[hrodbert696]

What I love about it is wanting musicians to double as bouncers and STILL pay-to-play!

 

[MYLOWFREQ]

Sounds like a fun gig! This would be my weapon of choice:

 

[RyanOh]

If this is his solution to save the bar, I predict a new sign in the window:

FOR SALE OR LEASE

 

[DirtDog]

I wonder what the set list is going to look like:

Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting?

Or

Give Peace a Chance?

 

[BassCliff]

Hi,

I wonder what the set list is going to look like:

Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting?

Or

Give Peace a Chance?

"Everybody Was King Fu Fighting".

That's an hilarious ad.


Thank you for your indulgence,

BassCliff

 

[Jimmy4string]

Play an hour bounce an hour.
This sounds like the plot of an old Patrick Swayze movie.
"Nobody puts baby in the corner" -Fallout boy

 

[hrodbert696]

Hi,



"Everybody Was King Fu Fighting".

That's an hilarious ad.


Thank you for your indulgence,

BassCliff

It IS hilarious.

It's just that I don't think the guy posting meant it to be...

 

[Oddly]

Daft idea.
Everyone knows it's those wiry little guys you gotta watch out for.

 

[oZZma]

This thread reminded me of Henry Rollins saying something like he enjoys lifting weights until his eyes bleed

 

[LuckyScott]

I like how he says his club has had lots of fights, then says later if there is a fight the band forfeits their pay.......

 

[Michedelic]

If that’s the kind of crew they end up with, the audience will need the chicken wire.

 

[Michedelic]

I wonder what the set list is going to look like:

Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting?

Or

Give Peace a Chance?

Or, if you prefer, the rockabilly-ish original...

 

[Kro]

What I love about it is wanting musicians to double as bouncers and STILL pay-to-play!

I was chuckling until I came to: •Pay based on how many patrons come to see you play or how many tickets you sell.

Then

 

[wraub]

So...if the band on stage isn't playing bouncer or running the door...and a fight breaks out... isn't that on the guys who are playing bouncer? Why would the guys playing musician take that hit?

Also, this ad speaks volumes about so many current issues that will go unmentioned on this forum, but I may use it elsewhere...

 

[sikamikanico]

“Musicians without ideal physique may be considered for janitorial duties”

 

[Bassngtr]

Strong chance of physical violence and personal injury...check
Never getting a break between sets...check
My bass tone being the least of my worries...check
May or may not get paid depending on who I convince to come to a self-described dangerous club...where do I sign?

 

[sawzalot]

What a gig! Sign me up! One of the funniest CL ad's I've ever seen.

 

[Yango]

Sounds like a scene from Mad Max.

I have a band. We’re not big, but we all play chainsaws. Does dismembering count as fighting?