Onion readers: favorite headline/article?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Benjamin Strange, Feb 23, 2007.

  1. Benjamin Strange

    Benjamin Strange Commercial User

    Dec 25, 2002
    New Orleans, LA
    Owner / Tech: Strange Guitarworks
  2. Kibuddy


    Apr 30, 2005
    "Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch"

    "Terrell Owens Blames Poor Game On Drew Bledsoe, Offensive Line, Hamid Karzai, NASA, Samsung"
  3. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Love the Onion - favorite headline is a hard one for me.
  4. Max


    Feb 14, 2000
    Bakersfield, CA
  5. Chriss62


    Jul 24, 2000
    Austin, Texas
    Ok, so, there was this one Onion article (or maybe it was the whole issue) that was presented from the viewpoint of some years in the future. It was the most fantastic, laugh my ass off thing i'd ever read. The problem is I don't know what issue it was. If y'all know what i'm talking about, please, PLEASE, enlighten us all.

    :prayermode: Please humor gods, guide the minds of this internet community and surface this issue of the holy Onion, so that all may join hands, and embrace true humor.:prayermode OFF:
  6. David Wilson

    David Wilson Supporting Member

    Oct 14, 2002
    Lower Westchester, NY
  7. arbitrary

    arbitrary Supporting Member

    Oct 24, 2005
    Boston, MA
    "Alzheimer patients demand a cure for pancakes!"
  8. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX
    I remember that one.

    This is definitely not the funniest one I ever read but one of the very first ones that I read that I really remembered was "Santa Claus Killed In Electric-Razor Crash" this was around the time that the commercials were running where Santa Claus was riding around on a Norelco razor like it was a sleigh.

    Other than that...I can pretty much turn to the Onion any given week and crack up at several headlines.

  9. Otso


    Mar 6, 2006
  10. "Area Bassist Fellated"

    Sadly, the article no longer exists online.

  11. Area Bassist Fellated

    COLUMBUS, OH—According to reports, area musician Paul Simms, bass player for the local grunge/punk band The Dead Taybacks, was fellated early Sunday morning by an unknown woman. The fellatio, which occurred during a late-night party following a Dead Taybacks show at the Tar Pit in downtown Columbus, was described as "totally rockin'" by Simms, who formerly played bass for Claw Jockey.

    Area bassist Paul Simms recently enjoyed oral sex. He attributed the fortuitous encounter to his status as a "rock" musician, which creates a tremendous sexual energy that makes him irresistible to "chicks."
    A part-time college student who is currently looking for a place to stay, Simms was unable to identify his fellater, as he passed out shortly thereafter. Nonetheless, he remains optimistic about future occurrences of fellatio in his life, and credits his status as a band member for his fellatio success.

    "The whole rock thing—the hair, the ripped clothes, the total disillusionment with the overwhelming, crushing commercialism of modern American life," said Simms, flipping his long, tousled locks out of his eyes with a flip of his hand. "Chicks dig it."

    According to witnesses, the fellatio occurred in the alley behind the Tar Pit. At approximately 3:52 a.m., the unknown fellatist unbuckled the belt and lowered the trousers worn by Simms and proceeded to lick, stroke and suck his exposed penis.

    "It was awesome," commented Simms. "But don't get the wrong idea here. Fellatio isn't what it's all about. For me, the most important thing is still the music. The beer, the parties and the anonymous random orally induced orgasms are just a tiny part of it."

    According to Simms, The Dead Taybacks will soon embark on a five-day tour of southern Ohio, during which he believes he has an excellent chance of receiving additional fellatio.

    "I hear we're really big in the Oberlin area," Simms said. "My sister's friend Steve goes to school down there, and she said he thinks he's heard of us."

    The Dead Taybacks' first out-of-town date is May 4, when the band will play before an expected 70 people at a Dayton, OH, Knights of Columbus hall.

    In addition to the upcoming tour, Simms is hopeful The Dead Taybacks upcoming six-song cassette will also help him land enjoyable oral sex.

    "Yeah, we're gonna do a new tape, which will include some songs from our seven-inch EP," Simms said. "A friend of ours borrowed a cassette four-track, so it will be pretty good quality. We'll shop it around, and maybe a local label will pick it up. If not, this record store downtown might sell it on consignment for us. That would be awesome."

    Simms said the band has saved "over $75" to record the new cassette, including $11 from a recent show at the Drift-On-Inn Bar and Grill.

    "We got paid $40 for that gig," Dead Taybacks drummer and part-time Video Zone clerk Jim Klapisch explained. "But most of that money went toward paying for the flyers."

    Band members nevertheless maintain that the money, like the sex, is just a small part of what keeps them going.

    "When we get into a van to go to a gig, we rarely talk about how much money we'll pocket or how many babes will be in the audience," Simms said. "After the show, however, that's pretty much all we talk about."

    According to sources close to the band, Sunday was no exception, as Simms told bandmates everything he could remember about the previous night's sexual escapade.

    Simms also suddenly put off plans to quit the band, though he maintains that his recent sexual encounter had nothing to do with his sudden change of heart.

    Experts were not surprised that Simms was the recipient of such a bold sexual favor, one that is not traditionally a casual exchange between partners.

    "Being a member of a rock band is very alluring from a sexual standpoint," said Yale University's Nora Hayes, one of the nation's leading authorities on college-area band-related sexual activity. "Men and women in bands are considered 'cool' by their peers, and that, when combined with a visceral, sweaty performance on the part of the musician, makes them very attractive from a mating standpoint."

    "That stuff used to happen to me all the time," said Gary Thortle, 29, who played keyboards for Penthouse Sweet while a student at Ohio State. Thortle has since graduated and is now temping for a Columbus-area QualiTemps. "God, I miss those days."

    Added former Zen Monkey guitarist and lead singer Ronald Gick: "God, I miss those days."

    The Associated Press and New York Times wire service reports were used when compiling this story.

    copyright the Onion, btw
  12. Marcus Johnson

    Marcus Johnson

    Nov 28, 2001
    LOL! I forgot about that one.

    Maki's right, I couldn't pick just one. But that would be in the top ten.

    My dad, the coolest frickin' 83-year-old-ex-high-school-World Lit-teacher on the planet, has a book of Onion front pages on his bookshelf. He oversaw the production of my high school's newspaper. We've laughed ourselves sick at that thing.
  13. fdeck

    fdeck Supporting Member Commercial User

    Mar 20, 2004
    Madison WI
    HPF Technology LLC
    "Ant farm teaches children about toil, death."
  14. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    so many good ones, but this one was a particular fav of mine...


    WASHINGTON, DC–Continuing its long-running debate on the subject Monday, members of Congress argued the merits of Canadian power trio Rush. "'The philosopher and the plowman, each must play his part'?" asked House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX). "C'mon. Neil Peart must be the most pretentious lyricist in arena-rock history. Gentlemen, forget these bloated, overrated '70s dinosaurs." Countered longtime Rush loyalist Rep. Peter DeFazio (D-OR): "Keep talking, man, the tunes say it all: 'Passage To Bangkok'? 'By-Tor And The Snow Dog'? That part in 'Red Barchetta' where [Rush bassist/vocalist] Geddy [Lee] sings about the gleaming alloy aircar shooting toward him two lanes wide? Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn't rock, XXXXXXXX!" The deliberations are expected to continue throughout the week.[​IMG]
  15. nataku


    Jun 21, 2004
    San Jose, CA
  16. Ericman197


    Feb 23, 2004
  17. playinpearls


    Apr 1, 2008
    I dont know the name, but i saw one news cast recently where an al qaida terrorist was arguing with a 9/11 conspiracy guy about how he was trying to take credit for their bombing....it was fricken hilarious!
  18. Marcus Johnson

    Marcus Johnson

    Nov 28, 2001
    God I love the Onion.
  19. Primary

    Primary TB Assistant

    Here are some related products that TB members are talking about. Clicking on a product will take you to TB’s partner, Primary, where you can find links to TB discussions about these products.

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