Should I start looking elsewhere?

[RaniBrandt]

I'm in a bit of a weird situation, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hoping maybe the collective TB mind can help me to sort this all out and plan my next move.

So I used to be in a band (landed via CL audition) in which we all got along, but the music was not exactly the stuff I listen to regularly. I eventually quit that band to start up a band with a guitarist who was also a good friend of mine, both because we had more similar musical tastes and because the practice space was only five minutes from my house. He had a handful of new songs he had written for the project, and so did I. We agreed that we would share lead vocal and backup vocal duties, with him singing lead on his songs and vice versa. He brought on a drummer and eventually a second guitarist/keyboardist, both of whom he had worked with in the past, and we tightened up the songs, wrote new ones together, and eventually started playing out occasionally.

We had a spotty rehearsal schedule through the late fall/early winter, simply due to us all being in our 40s with kids and such. None of that was anyone's fault, just life getting in the way of our mutual hobby. Around mid-January, we started getting back into the swing of it, and I asked the guys if they were ready to put a gig together. They said yes, and so I set up a gig for about a month out. We had a couple more rehearsals, refreshing old stuff and solidifying new stuff. All seemed good. Then, just before our last rehearsal ahead of the gig, The guitarist/co-lead guy says he can't do the show. Not only that, but he wants to take a hiatus. He said that we should keep playing together, but I think he knew that wouldn't happen, as the keys guy was already a bit shaky in his commitment to the band as it was.

Just for clarification, the guitarist has a history of depression, and he seems like he's hit a wall of stress elsewhere in his life, so I don't really want to pressure him about how long this hiatus might go on. That said, I'm missing playing with other people. The drummer and I have gotten together a couple of times to jam a little, but it's not the same as playing with the whole band.

So, I guess my question is this: How long do I wait before trying to find another band?

 

[bass40hz]

You've already waited too long.
Rock on.

 

[craigie]

I'm in a bit of a weird situation, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hoping maybe the collective TB mind can help me to sort this all out and plan my next move.

So I used to be in a band (landed via CL audition) in which we all got along, but the music was not exactly the stuff I listen to regularly. I eventually quit that band to start up a band with a guitarist who was also a good friend of mine, both because we had more similar musical tastes and because the practice space was only five minutes from my house. He had a handful of new songs he had written for the project, and so did I. We agreed that we would share lead vocal and backup vocal duties, with him singing lead on his songs and vice versa. He brought on a drummer and eventually a second guitarist/keyboardist, both of whom he had worked with in the past, and we tightened up the songs, wrote new ones together, and eventually started playing out occasionally.

We had a spotty rehearsal schedule through the late fall/early winter, simply due to us all being in our 40s with kids and such. None of that was anyone's fault, just life getting in the way of our mutual hobby. Around mid-January, we started getting back into the swing of it, and I asked the guys if they were ready to put a gig together. They said yes, and so I set up a gig for about a month out. We had a couple more rehearsals, refreshing old stuff and solidifying new stuff. All seemed good. Then, just before our last rehearsal ahead of the gig, The guitarist/co-lead guy says he can't do the show. Not only that, but he wants to take a hiatus. He said that we should keep playing together, but I think he knew that wouldn't happen, as the keys guy was already a bit shaky in his commitment to the band as it was.

Just for clarification, the guitarist has a history of depression, and he seems like he's hit a wall of stress elsewhere in his life, so I don't really want to pressure him about how long this hiatus might go on. That said, I'm missing playing with other people. The drummer and I have gotten together a couple of times to jam a little, but it's not the same as playing with the whole band.

So, I guess my question is this: How long do I wait before trying to find another band?

The band should be an outlet of stress, not a source of stress. I suggest thinking about what is generating the stress for him and deal with that. Sounds like a bad thing for him to take a hiatus due to stress but that’s up to him.

 

[4SG]

OP, that's a thoughtful, considerate and well-written question. A "history of depression" can mean a lot of things so I won't offer diagnostic statements that I'm not qualified to express. But it seems that your primary concern is fulfilling your immediate interest in playing, and I don't see why that should depend on the mental health of your bandmate.
Many of us on TB have a number of musical projects going on--they're not necessarily mutually exclusive. You sound like you've got your act together and will be able to connect with ready and capable musicians. If that means forming another band from the remnants of this one or an entirely new outfit I don't see any reason to hesitate. (Nor would it preclude the future participation of your friend when he is able.) If you eventually find yourself overcommitted it's a better circumstance to choose between projects than waiting around for a troubled one to resolve itself when the apparatus of resolution is beyond your control.

 

[PauFerro]

This will happen. I work with about 20 people now...here is how their commitment changed.

1. Top of scene but unknown keyboard player joins us for 2 years for every gig, but gets well known and has higher paying gigs at theme parks, and is never available.
2. Low priced keyboard player/music teacher, gets tired of rescheduling music lessons, so is no longer avail for gigs on evenings during the week.
3. Formerly committed sax player, after a lifetime of music, gets tired of music and wants a break, but will play with us when we are stuck.Need another sax player
4. Good keyboard player suddenly shows lack of commitment, and shows up unprepared. We cut back on gigs for him.
5. Former, original member misbehaving sax player finds he is without a band after trying out what he believes would be "better situations" and our discovery of the guy in #3 who shows great commitment for a couple years. But this original member stays on as second call (our choice). Original sax player ends up back as first call in our jazz group due to #3 above and likes it -- all his other situations didn't work out.
6. Trumpet player moves to our city and wants a shot at the band, we try him out at a non-profit event, cold, and invite him for another non-profit event.
7. Flute player goes off and does his own thing, using a strategy I proposed about the need for latin bands. Still plays with us, but comes out to rehearsal and decides he doesn't like to play original music. Still avail for paid jazz standard gigs.

So, what do I end up with? An ever shifting base of musicians as their life circumstances change. Each have their quirks and strengths and suitability for different situations. And I DO have musicians who want to just play and be in a hobby band. This is my originals group, but we also gig for money now and then. So, it can work even if you don't have paid gigs for everyone.

I think you need to get into the mindset that your group is a concept, and that you staff it with musicians as you need them. I know its harder in rock, but its possible. Get recordings of your music, and make it EASY for new members to learn them without any, or with minimal rehearsal. Youtube playlists and chord charts with structure laid out for easy learning help.

I would find a replacement for the guy who has depression. Meet with the replacement (just you and him) to go over the songs, and then bring on the other guys later for a touch up rehearsal, and move on. When the depressed guy gets back in the saddle, you'll have two options in case one guy isn't available. Same with the other guys.

Eventually you'll be working with 6-7 people who are suitable for different gigs, and you can call them as necessary. And you'll be insulated from band members quitting, taking hiatus, etcetera. Go to jam nights to find the musicians, and invite them to join you when there is money on the table if they are the pro type who do it for the funds. Get away from the notion that you have a fixed membership. You are a concept, and the musicians are sourced to keep the concept going. They still get input, and you treat everyone with respect, but in the ever-shifting world of hobby band personnel, you gotta have redundancy in positions -- so look at the depressed guy's withdrawal as an opportunity to build your insulation. It's work at first, but eventually you get enough people you can do anything.

I don't even check whose available anymore -- I just book gigs based on whether I alone am available, and then fill it with whoever I need! Uncommitted musicians lead to big call lists!

 

[ThePez]

don’t wait. you wanna play? play. audition. this isn’t a marriage. you can play with more than one band at a time.

 

[AlexBassMP]

don’t wait. you wanna play? play. audition. this isn’t a marriage. you can play with more than one band at a time.

I agree... In the past I played in three bands at the time...

Our former singer in the tribute band had voice issues for a long period..we wanted to keep playing live and we had booked gigs so we wanted to keep our word with the promoters...we hired a sub and we keep going..

Now he is almost recovered and getting in shape for the next gigs...

 

[garp]

Life is too short to delay your hopes and dreams. Move on.

 

[RaniBrandt]

Thanks to everyone so far for your responses. In answer to some, I’d love to be able to pull off more than one project, But I can’t really afford more than one night per week away from my family for rehearsals and gigs. And as for subbing someone in for the guitarist, remember that he’s also the writer of half our songs, and the other members were in the band because of him. Right now I only have access to the drummer, as the keys guy has pretty much ghosted since the hiatus began.

I am going to start looking for another band. I’m just sad to have to start a whole new thing when I really liked what we had going here.

 

[buldog5151bass]

NOW.

 

[mrcbass]

Unfortunately this is what happens when you tie your wagon to one person in the band. It's nice having that one special person, but if they won't/can't be available, the house of cards tumble.

I'd be inclined to try to build something from what you have left - assuming you want to keep working with the others. You'll at least have some common ground to work from as you rebuild.

Garage bands imploding (especially if they can't get to the stage) is the norm not the exception, so get used to this cycle.

One reason I prefer cover bands to originals: at least I walk away with 30-50 more songs in MY catalog that may be useful in the future - originals don't transfer.

 

[two fingers]

Yep. time to move on. Either you and the drummer FORM another band, or you JOIN another band.

 

[Kipp Harrington]

Yeah... move on. Keep writing and staying sharp with your chops. Things generally have a way of "coming around". This may lead to an even better situation. Stay happy and keep playing.

 

[micguy]

I'm a very patient guy, I'd wait another 5 minutes.

 

[MCS4]

One of the most important things to me is a band's ability to "get it together" in the sense of finalizing songs and getting on stage. There are plenty of projects out there full of good people who might have the capacity to make good music in theory, but if they don't actually do it within a reasonable amount of time then (at least for me) it becomes time to find another project.

 

[Richard Lindsey]

One of the most important things to me is a band's ability to "get it together" in the sense of finalizing songs and getting on stage. There are plenty of projects out there full of good people who might have the capacity to make good music in theory, but if they don't actually do it within a reasonable amount of time then (at least for me) it becomes time to find another project.

Totally off topic, but I have to say I appreciate your avatar. Red Beard is one of my favorite movies.

 

[MrBKerth]

I'm in a bit of a weird situation, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hoping maybe the collective TB mind can help me to sort this all out and plan my next move.

So I used to be in a band (landed via CL audition) in which we all got along, but the music was not exactly the stuff I listen to regularly. I eventually quit that band to start up a band with a guitarist who was also a good friend of mine, both because we had more similar musical tastes and because the practice space was only five minutes from my house. He had a handful of new songs he had written for the project, and so did I. We agreed that we would share lead vocal and backup vocal duties, with him singing lead on his songs and vice versa. He brought on a drummer and eventually a second guitarist/keyboardist, both of whom he had worked with in the past, and we tightened up the songs, wrote new ones together, and eventually started playing out occasionally.

We had a spotty rehearsal schedule through the late fall/early winter, simply due to us all being in our 40s with kids and such. None of that was anyone's fault, just life getting in the way of our mutual hobby. Around mid-January, we started getting back into the swing of it, and I asked the guys if they were ready to put a gig together. They said yes, and so I set up a gig for about a month out. We had a couple more rehearsals, refreshing old stuff and solidifying new stuff. All seemed good. Then, just before our last rehearsal ahead of the gig, The guitarist/co-lead guy says he can't do the show. Not only that, but he wants to take a hiatus. He said that we should keep playing together, but I think he knew that wouldn't happen, as the keys guy was already a bit shaky in his commitment to the band as it was.

Just for clarification, the guitarist has a history of depression, and he seems like he's hit a wall of stress elsewhere in his life, so I don't really want to pressure him about how long this hiatus might go on. That said, I'm missing playing with other people. The drummer and I have gotten together a couple of times to jam a little, but it's not the same as playing with the whole band.

So, I guess my question is this: How long do I wait before trying to find another band?

Is there a history of this happening in your band? If this is a one off, there are sometimes things that cause friction in bands that result in cancelled shows. That being said, I've had a guitarist with mental troubles and the gentleman ended up having to leave town. If your guitarist is doing something about their issue, then it may be beneficial to have a 1 on 1 and talk about what their plan is without the pressure of the group. At the end of the day, the ideal situation is to have members that all want to be there. For me, to get that, I had to give a buddy carte blanche to write anything regardless of if I like it or not (so long as its as tight as we can get it) and acquire people slowly over 2 years (and we're only a 4 piece). Luckily I opened up and dig what we're doing. That being said, I'd hazard only a miniscule amount of bands break up over musical troubles. Most bands that have ever existed break up over personnel troubles like this.

 

[PaulCISSA]

Mental health issues are real and can’t be ignored. I feel bad for the guy, but there are solutions and treatment everywhere and hopefully he’s taking advantage of them. As far as the band is concerned, you should begin to move on in a graceful and thoughtful manner, knowing that your other G is in need of help.

 

[mstillman]

This will sound harsh...

Fire the lead guitarist, and probably yourself from this project. Everyone has problems. Unless you're one of those folks who feels the need to fix everyone, and is qualified to do so, move on. Life is too short to have your goals depend on unreliable people.

 

[RaniBrandt]

Is there a history of this happening in your band? If this is a one off, there are sometimes things that cause friction in bands that result in cancelled shows. That being said, I've had a guitarist with mental troubles and the gentleman ended up having to leave town. If your guitarist is doing something about their issue, then it may be beneficial to have a 1 on 1 and talk about what their plan is without the pressure of the group. At the end of the day, the ideal situation is to have members that all want to be there. For me, to get that, I had to give a buddy carte blanche to write anything regardless of if I like it or not (so long as its as tight as we can get it) and acquire people slowly over 2 years (and we're only a 4 piece). Luckily I opened up and dig what we're doing. That being said, I'd hazard only a miniscule amount of bands break up over musical troubles. Most bands that have ever existed break up over personnel troubles like this.

No, it hasn't happened before, really. The guitarist just bought a house, and he's been working extra hours at his job, which is wearing on him. For me, playing in a band is a nice break from the everyday stuff. I think for him it was perhaps turning into just one of his many responsibilities, so it wasn't giving him the stress relief that one might expect. I just can't tell if it's temporary, and I'm afraid that asking him about it is only going to making him feel like I'm pressuring him.