The Rodney Dangerfield thread

[tpaul]

Someone posted some RD quotes in another thread, and it got me thinking. Rodney Dangerfield must be the bassist's comedian... I mean, he gets no respect, right?

So, here it is... the Rodney Dangerfield thread. I'll kick it off with this clip from Johnny Carson's show in 1974:

 

[Slater]

I once had a Stingray with a clear pickguard and I put a picture of Rodney underneath.

 

[1bassplayinfool]

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

 

[Stumbo]

When I was born I was so ugly the doc slapped my mother.

When I was in prison nobody ever tried to get funny with me because I never dropped the soap. That's where I learned to do stand up.

 

[soulman969]

Someone posted some RD quotes in another thread, and it got me thinking. Rodney Dangerfield must be the bassist's comedian... I mean, he gets no respect, right?

So, here it is... the Rodney Dangerfield thread. I'll kick it off with this clip from Johnny Carson's show in 1974:

Classic.

 

[Stumbo]

Even when I was kid, I got no respect. I told my dad I was going outside to play, he said "why don't you make like a tree and leave."

And then, when I grew up and started telling jokes, my old man would heckle me. I don't get no respect, I tell ya. He shouted at me "you're about as funny as a screen door in a submarine."

But you know what, I finally got smart. I told him "yeah, why don't you come and visit, the door's always open."

 

[Zooberwerx]

From "Back to School"...

Coed: I'm an English literature major.

Thornton Melon: Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

...or something like that.

Riis

 

[tpaul]

When I was born the doctor slapped me. Then he handed me to the nurse and she got a couple of good licks in, too.

 

[Old Garage-Bander]

I said to the doctor, hey doc, I want a second opinion.
He said OK. You're ugly too.

 

[ONYX]

Last night my wife told me to take out the garbage.

I told her, "You cooked it, you take it out".

 

[MD]

The football team from my high school was tough, after they sacked the quaterback, they went after his family.

 

[rocu]

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Last week I told my wife, “If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef.” She said, “If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur.”

 

[Boss Bass]

'I told my doctor "Hey Doc, I got yellow teeth." He said "Wear a brown tie!" I tell ya, I get no respect!'

"Don't take my picture, I don't wanna be seen here!"

 

[Stumbo]

They told me I was a bad driver.
I told them, hey, I'm taking driver's education in Braille.
I don't get no respect.

My wife told me I was the worst driver she had ever seen.
I told her she was the best driver I had ever seen.
Yeah, best at driving me nuts!
I don't get no respect.

My wife and I met when we were 18.
We didn't get married 'till we were 30.
Those were the happiest years of my life.
I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

I told my Dad I was running track.
He said you're gonna get yourself killed.
I told him I was the fastest runner.
He said no one is faster than a train.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.


I asked a gal out one evening.
She told me I had morning breath.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

Now that I'm getting older and have some money, one of my so called friends told me I should save some of my DNA so I could be cloned someday.

I told him no way, I don't want to live my life over again!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

When I was growing up I believed in Santa Claus just like you.

My older sister told me that Santa had real claws that he used on little kids.

My mom always wondered why I went crazy when she told us we going to see Santa's Claws at the department store.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

My therapist asked if I was happy.
I told him that I was happy as a clam.
He told me I was more like a barnacle.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

When I was growing up we lived on a cul-de-sac.
My dad lost all his money and we had to move to a cul-de-crap.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

I failed English in high school.
They told me I had to conjugate my vowels.
I told them I conjugated my bowels every morning before school.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

When I was in high school I wanted to learn to play guitar.
They said "with fingers like meat hooks, you gotta learn the bass."
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.