The Rodney Dangerfield thread

[Stumbo]

I was visiting Lost Wages one weekend and I threw a penny in a wishing well.
They gave change to me for a dollar!
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

When I was growing up I told my mom I accidentally saw my friend's sister naked as she was getting out of the shower.

She told me don't let that happen again, you'll go blind.

That was true because it happened on my wedding night.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

When I starting making some money everyone was telling me I should invest.

You know, I lost so much money I now call it outvest.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

One day my kid brother came to visit.

After a couple of beers he told me, "if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't want an older brother."

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

I didn't learn how to swim when I was growing up.

I was pretty embarrassed so I decided to take lessons in private.

They told me I would have trouble because my arms and legs were the same length. And, that I would be good at the breast stroke.

I said hey, no need to bring my wife into this.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect

 

[Stumbo]

When I was growing up, my kid brother and I used to fight a lot.

After my mom would tell us to stop, sometimes we would ignore her.

Then My mom would get really mad and scream, " Don't make me tell you twice".

My dad would yell from the other room, "how many times do I have to tell you, he's no good at math!"

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[Stumbo]

Last year I had to visit the urologist and proctologist on the same day.

I tried to joke about it but the docs said "taking care if your peeper and your pooper is no laughing matter".

Hey, I said, telling jokes is my business.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

 

[JRA]

fun(ny) stuff!

https://www.talkbass.com/members/stumbo.110359/ , i've heard many of these before, but you seem to really know the material!

 

[dadglasser]

I remember two, I think from a rock radio station's "Five O'clock Funnies" show:

1) My psychiatrist told me that my wife and I should have sex every night. ...
Now we'll never see eachother

2) My wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car. ...
And she wants ME to drive!

 

[Hot Rats]

My wife, she's a terrible cook. How can toast have bones?

I tell ya, I get no respect, I made a toast at her birthday to the best woman a man ever had and the waiter joined me.

 

[Lindsey Burke]

From "Back to School"...

Coed: I'm an English literature major.

Thornton Melon: Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

...or something like that.

Riis

....call me when you have no class!

 

[mohrds]

When I was in high school I wanted to learn to play guitar.
They said "with fingers like meat hooks, you gotta learn the bass."
I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

We have a winner!!!

 

[5StringBlues]

Yeah,my wife cut me down to once a week!


That's ok, I know some guys she cut out altogether.................

 

[Commreman]

Our marriage counselor told me and my wife we need to communicate more during sex.....now she calls me from the motel! No respect...

 

[tpaul]

My wife believes sex should be for a purpose. Last week she used me to time a three-minute egg.

 

[1bassplayinfool]