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The Suckage of Divorce

smcgov

smcgov

Supporting Member
Mar 12, 2010
815
580
Northshore Mass
#1
so I'm 47, I didn't get married until I was 41 years old, I left my own inexpensive house and life in Texas and moved to Massachusetts where houses and life are incredibly expensive. We have a 5 year old little boy who is my reason for living, I love him with all my heart and want the best for him. I haven't been in a band since he's been around because I want to be there for him in his childhood. The wife now drops this bomb on me, it happened a couple years ago and it passed but now she's miserable again. We live in an expensive area, I am a contractor and she carries the insurance, my contract could end at anytime and I'd be on unemployment.

The feelings this gives me are very hard to take, I feel like I am drowning in fear and uncertainty. I know that I have to put on my game face for my little boy while I'm crumbling on the inside because I'm seeing the world from his point of view. I was a little boy once with fighting parents and was terrified they would separate. They have been married 55 years now and are a true example of living their faith. I think our country is in danger because of the number of families that are split and the view that fatherhood is not a necessity but is like electric windows on a car, it's better to have them but they're not necessary.

I have bonded with my little boy and to me this goes against nature. Fathers are not meant to be part time money contributers to a family. Children learn their parents values by long term observation of consistency. How can I be a consistent father seeing my boy once or twice a week? Sorry if I'm ranting here but the way I see it, if you would die for your children, and most parents would, then why can you not do 10 years for them in a relationship that may not be ideal, but is certainly not bad in any way?

I will see a lawyer next thursday but in the meantime feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack. I'm pissed at myself that I married this person that thinks so little of marriage and children. I am bothered by the fact that I may be broke for a long time while contributing to her high life, but to me the worst of it is a little boy being intentionally separated from his dad, for the sole reason that mom "is not happy".

People are telling me to hide the gear and the money and stuff, and my mind is just swimming with wild thoughts, I don't even really care right now about gear, it's made virtually everything in my life lose meaning. Thanks for listening, sorry I had to vent man but I just can't deal w this right now.
 
#3
I've been through it dude. At the time of my splitting with their mom, my boys were 4 and 6... :(
#1 rule - if you love your boy and are as awesome a dad as you sound, you need to HANG IN THERE. Be strong, don't give into self-pity and depression because that's your biggest enemy.
Talk to your lawyer, get a good game plan and one that absolutely includes time with your son. From what I learned with my kids, it's really tough when the "quantity" of time with your kid(s) starts to lessen. I made up for it with "quality" of time - my boys and I were tighter and closer then than we ever were before. Now? The oldest one's in college the younger starting HS.
My point is that it's easy to feel like this is some sort of "ending".. it's not. Just a change is all. Besides, your a dad. Dads are superhuman!
 
#4
be careful,..

i know several divorced fathers who hang-out in the steam rooms at "24hr Fitness Clubs" after hours to mask the tears. they can't go home for supper w/ the family, they are strapped for cash, crying because of massive confusion!

"what in hell just happened to my life"?!!:confused:

hint: your friends are correct, start storing goods & cash for basic survival. i know guys with six figure salaries struggling after a divorce. (you already know)
 
#6
I see my daughter once per week and I'm a consistent father. As Relic mentioned above, its quality of time. I get that whole day with just Dad and daughter. I think her mom would love to have that kind of face time with her child, but she does not although she is the one living with her. It's hard to see the big picture at this point, but as long as you and your ex are comitted to your child, and each party is happier being separated, it will trickle down to the contributing happiness of your child.
 
#7
Sorry to hear it.... I really do ... Hang in there and stay occupied.


This is a blow I wish upon no one . The one leaving feels empowered , the one who gets left feels horrible .

All you can do is take it a minute at a time if you have to . It will get better .

Fathers are necessary and more and more states and Judges recognize this need. Your wife would be a fool to say otherwise. She will not be able to keep you out of his life unless you have committed some heinous act against the family.

Being broke is a state of mind as well as a reality . It is what it is and you'll just have to deal . I pay $10,400 a year in support and have 9 years left . I see it as a retirement plan with no return . In nine years my income will go up each year by that much permanently.

My mind was not right for awhile after my wife left me , out of the blue , after 18 years. I remember driving to a job in sleet and snow , 80 mph down the interstate, and my passenger says " you should slow down , looks dangerous out here " I looked at him and said "Mark , i don't care if I live or die right now" I wasn't suicidal , I just really didn't care.

I pulled over and let him take over .

It's tough and only one who has experienced it can relate. You will survive this .


Protect your property as it will matter again someday , hopefully soon. Good luck and hang in there.....
 
#8
I would not wish a divorce (especially when children are involved) on my worst enemy. It is definitely an awful experience on everybody.

I went through it and ended up being a single father as a result.

You are correct that you have to be strong for your son and reassure him that you love him. I wish you all the best and hope that you pull through as best as possible.
 
#11
All I can tell you as a divorce survivor is that your feelings right now are natural, things are absolutely overwhelming. But, you will figure things out, the hurt will go away, and you'll get on with your life. Keep reminding yourself, there are better days ahead, because it's true. Find something to distract yourself. If I could do one thing differently, this would be it. I spent far, far too much time sitting alone and wallowing in self-pity. Life is too short, and I'd like that time I wasted back.

If you can keep things amicable with your soon-to-be ex, and she is as committed to your son as you are, then working out kid-time will be easier. Don't get too caught up over holidays and birthdays and such. Your son won't mind two birthday or two Christmas celebrations.
 
#12
thanks gents...the pain I feel I suppose is some of my own..but I just wish there was a way to prevent this from happening to my son and clearly we are both powerless over his mother at this point. Who invented this system?

I told the wife I read a UNH study that said children are better off with the same sex parent having custody after the divorce and she was outraged. I just get tired of Hollywood and all these freaks saying that dad's don't matter. Jennifer Anniston just said it a year or two ago, I guess I think the war on dad's is wrong.
 
#14
Please don't get caught up in studies about custody. I was a single father for a little girl and we did just great together and she is now 28 years old and turned out terrific. I have many friends who were single fathers and raised their kids just fine. There are many more single dads out there than people think. However, no matter who ends up with primary custody, spend every possible moment you can with your son. He will remember that when he gets older.
 
#16
As a father and one time divorced, my thoughts go out to you. My divorce was pre-kids and luckily amicable (cheap), but as was said wisely many times, it's the effort that you give your son in to seeing you as the great dad that will mold and shape his views. Don't feed in to parent vs parent ever.

Fight like h... for your rights and equal custody. I have several single dad friends that have sole and joint and they are amazing fathers with amazing kids.
 
#17
Kudos to you, for realizing what is truly important. Your boy. With effort, you can make this work. I sort of envy you a bit.

In my own marriage, I have already checked out. My wife is not the woman I married anymore. In fact, I don't know who she is. My kids are 16 & 12, and I swear to god, as soon as my youngest graduates HS, I am outta there. I do not have the fortitude to do it now, nor do I want to ruin my kids teen years.

So with that in mind, I'm sucking it up and biding my time. Do I hate my wife, no. I still love her, if for any other reason, beacuse she is the mother of my children. I get the impression that she'd rather be anyplace, but with me, though. I also know that if any of this was discussed now, she'd make everyone's life a living hell. I don't want that for any of us.

Whatever you do, take the high road & do the right things. At the end of the day, you need to look at yourself in the mirror and take your pleasure in the fact that you did right by your boy. That is where your satisfaction should come from. Love life be damned, your boy is the most important thing here.
 
#18
I work as a preschool teacher and I have seen my fair share of divorce cases. If at all possible see if a 50/50 custody is possible. Each parent gets a whole week or half a week. I've seen a lot of different methods but the situations with equal custody and good co-parenting are the best ones I've seen for kids. Don't ever say anything remotely bad about your ex. As far as your son is concerned you guys are still good friends but chose not to live with each other. Short spurts of both parent time is important too, like a dinner every once in awhile and birthdays or whatever. Kids need to know that both parents love them enough to both spend time with them. Be the big man and try to communicate how important equal parenting and co-parenting is. Take a class, see a counselor together, just try hard for your boy.
 

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