**** Jennifer Anniston. What the **** does she know about your boy? Abso-****ing-lutely nothing. You'll be there for your boy for the rest of your lives. That's obvious. And that's all that matters now. Stay strong.
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The Suckage of Divorce
- Thread starter smcgov
- Start date
**** Jennifer Anniston. What the **** does she know about your boy? Abso-****ing-lutely nothing. You'll be there for your boy for the rest of your lives. That's obvious. And that's all that matters now. Stay strong.
Don't stay together for the children. I'd rather see my parents happy and apart than together and miserable. But I can't talk because my parents are still together.
That is sad news. The fact that you are focused on being a good father is the most important thing.
I feel for you. I really do.
Friendly advice below. I know it's tough when you're feeling like you do, but it's all coming from the right place.
* Never, ever give up on the kid. Attend EVERY event you know about.
* If your kid is old enough to ask a question, he's old enough to hear the truth. Don't lie to him.
* Contact the schools and make sure you get all reports etc. Don't count on 'Mom' letting you know about things.
* Never say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child.
* Ask around and find a lawyer that has a track record against her lawyer.
* Be proactive with the family support people. They mess up A LOT. When they do, it's your fault. I had my bank account suspended, my driving license suspended, threats etc. because they kept messing up. They decide how much, when, and how it's paid (usually garnishment), so how could I have any control over the payments? When this went bad it was MY FAULT, apparently! Get to know them NOW. They don't know how to cope when you go at them rather than running from them.
* Read up on "Parental Alienation Syndrome" and know the signs. This is a tough one, but you'll thank me years from now.
Friendly advice below. I know it's tough when you're feeling like you do, but it's all coming from the right place.
* Never, ever give up on the kid. Attend EVERY event you know about.
* If your kid is old enough to ask a question, he's old enough to hear the truth. Don't lie to him.
* Contact the schools and make sure you get all reports etc. Don't count on 'Mom' letting you know about things.
* Never say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child.
* Ask around and find a lawyer that has a track record against her lawyer.
* Be proactive with the family support people. They mess up A LOT. When they do, it's your fault. I had my bank account suspended, my driving license suspended, threats etc. because they kept messing up. They decide how much, when, and how it's paid (usually garnishment), so how could I have any control over the payments? When this went bad it was MY FAULT, apparently! Get to know them NOW. They don't know how to cope when you go at them rather than running from them.
* Read up on "Parental Alienation Syndrome" and know the signs. This is a tough one, but you'll thank me years from now.
this is what i think too. every state is different, but these days 50/50 is the preferred custody plan in many states. unless a case can be made against you, there is no reason for you to be denied 50/50. and in my state, the person who makes more money pays the support.
when i went thru it, i learned that feeling like you don't care about the money or the possessions or the custody agreement is a typical male response. i felt it for a while; i have met other dads who have expressed it as well. but don't buy it. it is a passing feeling. respect yourself and your rights.
i am three years out from my marriage and literally to this day i still benefit from taking the 'high road.' i had plenty of reasons and a great desire to be an jerk to my ex many times. i pushed past it (for the most part), and it was the wiser choice. looking back, i am glad i did.
parents model all behavior for their kids. when you are paying attention as well as when you are not, they are! overreacting to situations teaches then to do the same. always being rational teaches them to hold back their emotions, which is not always the best choice. you can model how to feel hurt/angry in an emotional, but healthy way. standing up for your beliefs and rights in a calm and mature way teaches them to do the same. bad-mouthing your wife or using your kid as a tool against her teaches a kid that people are there to be used. treating people who have hurt you with basic dignity is a valuable lesson that your kid will someday recognize.
good luck. be patient. i can honestly say that my split up taught me that life is short and i don't ever want to be with someone who does not want to be with me again.
hang in there.
Been through it twice, met my current wife of 20+ years at a gig. By that time, I actually put pictures of my two sons on top of my rack at band gigs.....if a woman saw that and didn't run then maybe she had values. True and I found the right one that way.
Listen to Robert Cray tunes, SRV tunes, and any others. Read Proverbs and a few other nearby books in the Bible. Keep or get back your "eye of the tiger". And become a consistent Dad and Father. I made it a point to call them EVERY Sunday night and do as much time with them as I could. The second time, I got joint custody(1985~1986) when it was a rare thing.
Remember one thing: No matter how low you go or how bad YOU feel about your position in life, YOUR BOY LOVES YOU because YOU are his Dad. He will always feel that way as long as YOU are his Dad. Knowing that can pull you through a lot of hard times. I know it did for me.
Never let another person(an ex) turn you down the road of self-pity and possibly self-destruction. They are not worth it. Your son is worth you keeping yourself right by him and doing the right things. This means "taking the high road"(as mentioned above), not running an ex down, not arguing or being drawn into an argument with your son present, treating your ex with respect(she is your son's Mom) even when you are about to explode inside, etc. Your son, even though he is a child, will see all of this and remember this.
Best of luck. It usually takes about 2 years(IME) to get through the suckage part, the financial part took over a decade but by the time they finished high school I was able to financially help both sons with college(oldest son) and living poor(younger son did military followed by law enforcement).
Listen to Robert Cray tunes, SRV tunes, and any others. Read Proverbs and a few other nearby books in the Bible. Keep or get back your "eye of the tiger". And become a consistent Dad and Father. I made it a point to call them EVERY Sunday night and do as much time with them as I could. The second time, I got joint custody(1985~1986) when it was a rare thing.
Remember one thing: No matter how low you go or how bad YOU feel about your position in life, YOUR BOY LOVES YOU because YOU are his Dad. He will always feel that way as long as YOU are his Dad. Knowing that can pull you through a lot of hard times. I know it did for me.
Never let another person(an ex) turn you down the road of self-pity and possibly self-destruction. They are not worth it. Your son is worth you keeping yourself right by him and doing the right things. This means "taking the high road"(as mentioned above), not running an ex down, not arguing or being drawn into an argument with your son present, treating your ex with respect(she is your son's Mom) even when you are about to explode inside, etc. Your son, even though he is a child, will see all of this and remember this.
Best of luck. It usually takes about 2 years(IME) to get through the suckage part, the financial part took over a decade but by the time they finished high school I was able to financially help both sons with college(oldest son) and living poor(younger son did military followed by law enforcement).
My sympathies/thoughts are with you. I'm recently divorced as well though thankfully I didn't have kids to drag through it. I lost everything and she retained everything. It's a hard enough process without having to involve kids, but I know that will you make it through this and believe it or not, your son will help keep you strong and that will help you.
"Married adults now divorce two-and-a-half times as often as adults did 20 years ago and four times as often as they did 50 years ago... between 40% and 60% of new marriages will eventually end in divorce. The probability within... the first five years is 20%, and the probability of its ending within the first 10 years is 33%... Perhaps 25% of children ages 16 and under live with a stepparent.
”
—Brian K. Williams, Stacy C. Sawyer, Carl M. Wahlstrom, Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships, 2005
Seems to me that by just looking at the odds....... getting married is a sucker bet!
Bummer for you, but maybe you can take some solace in knowing that you ain't alone!
When the going gets tough, it's totally acceptable for people these days just cut and run.
Shirking responsibility is easier than actually dealing with it.
Welcome to 21st. century America!
”
—Brian K. Williams, Stacy C. Sawyer, Carl M. Wahlstrom, Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships, 2005
Seems to me that by just looking at the odds....... getting married is a sucker bet!
Bummer for you, but maybe you can take some solace in knowing that you ain't alone!
When the going gets tough, it's totally acceptable for people these days just cut and run.
Shirking responsibility is easier than actually dealing with it.
Welcome to 21st. century America!
I was raised by my father from 3 on. My mom was 19 and my dad 20 when I was born. 3 years later she was falling heavily into drugs, my dad as well. The lawyer told me dad when they split up , "flush your drugs if you want your kid" he did , she didnt and he raised me. Fathers do get custody , you will have to fight but you can get custody. Its worth it. If my dad would have let my mom have me i would more then likely be a junkie, instead I graduate with my Bachelors In Criminal Justice 2 months from now. If you feel your a better parent, take it to court. Your son will thank you in the future, as I thank my dad now. A father can raise a caring , loving son as well as a mother can.
The advice about hiding your gear is sound. If things happen later that you need to rely on it financially either as a liquid asset or as a possible line of work to meet expenses, it's better to have it than to give it up in a settlement. Make a "gift" of all your gear to your dad, brother, or a trusted friend. If you need it later you can "borrow" it to work or whatever. I told my uncle this but he said she wouldn't take it. While he was working she pawned his entire PA system and a bunch of very valuable vintage guitars. He never recovered any of his gear. God bless you for thinking of your kid. He needs you. Be strong. You and he will be in my family's prayers.
Yeah, mine too.
She dropped a bomb? What bomb?
Was it "I'm not happy ..."
The rest of that is what needs to be explored. Screw seeing the [DEL]leech[/DEL] lawyer and try a family or marriage counselor first. Ok, your and her lives have changed. What do you want out of it? What does she want out of the relationship?
32 years of marriage, and 3 (or was it 4) counselors later, I learned a couple of things. The above stats are probably close to the truth, people throw in the towel for a lot of reasons. Oddly, my of my immediate friends, many are still married but not all. But that failure rate doesn't reflect anything in my experience.
One of the things that one of my first counselors asked me is "Do you want to stay married?" He asked us each that. I told the truth and said yes. So did she. So we had some basis to work from to move forward. He also said that if the answer for either of you is unequivocally "NO", that is also a basis to move forward. When one says yes, and one says no, then it is harder to accept. Then the discussion becomes "Well, yes But I need..." I need being the operand that has a link to the real problem(s) that poison the relationship.
Hiding your gear and that advice from your friends is BS. You can buy gear at any point in your life, they got factories churning out good gear every day. Your family and child deserve your best and most difficult effort at preserving and developing a loving and nurturing environment for all of you. So, even if you can't resolve your personal differences, you can take the hate and anger out of the relationship and work together as adults to create a safe place for your son.
Don't think for a second that you can maintain some friendly facade to your ex and be resentful and hurting inside and that he won't inherently sense that. Kids pick up on those vibes very fast. If you want to be a real dad, be a real dad, and step up and do the hard work, the real heavy lifting so that your son grows up in a loving environment as free of resentment and passive aggressive behavior as possible.
I think you would benefit from some professional outside mediation and perspective with competent help. And as we know, TB OT is the absolute BEST place for relationship advice. I know, I have been giving crappy relationship advice here for years. I may be have been instrumental in one or two OT divorces, more for all I know.
As far as the money goes, if you decide to split, expect that your next pad will be in Chelsea instead of Beverly. You know something? It doesn't matter and you can walk a lot prouder with 5 bucks in your pocket and living in some dump than you could being some dbag that couldn't be bothered to go to the wall for his kid living in some McMansion in Ipswich for appearance sake.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. This time it's your turn, and we, the bass brotherhood, will be here to talk you through it no matter how hard it gets. You will get the respect here that you earn.
I truly hope things work themselves out, and please, just tell yourself -"I am not a quitter, I will never, ever ever give up".
I think you will be fine.
This post really surprised me, because as we all know, Haysoos thinks, as we all do, that Buzzbass is an @$$hat as he has tagged himself repeatedly in the past. So, seeing a compassionate post from the Jersey boy pretty much blew me away, but, yeah, you got that last part right. I think I may have felt a small ripple in the Space-Time Continuum though. Time to get my tin foil hat out.
I don't know the Crabinator much, but I have to give a +1 and the next beer is on me for that.
And, Jennifer Anniston matters, why?
If she (J.A.) could find someone who would have her, she might have a bit more credibility but since every guy she has been with ran away after a short time, she has none, IMO.
Women usually get lawyers who are ruthless. Get one of your own. I have heard that a good way to limit her options WRT who can represent her is to consult with as many lawyers as possible because consulting with both sides is a conflict of interests unless one person is chosen by both sides to act as an arbitrator. Don't know if it's an absolute, though.
It sounds like she has some expectation of being happy all of the time. I wonder where she got that idea. Might be something to ask her.
Good luck in this and make sure the little one understands that he's not the cause.
I know this is all over the place but I still tell my self this when it applies
" tough times don't last ,but tough people do"
" tough times don't last ,but tough people do"
Thanks Thor, I think.
I try and keep things light on here, but I do take my marriage and stuff very seriously. My dad left when I was 6 months old, and was a constant thorn in my side for my entire life. I actually fealt relief on the day he died. Lessons learned from him control everything with reference to my kids. I will never be "that dad". I aways said that my father was a perfect example of what kind of dad NOT to be. The rest I figured out on my own. And I figured out this. As long as they can put that I was a good dad on my tombstone, nothing else really matters. Let that guide you, and you'll never go wrong
I just finished a 3 year divorce with a sociopath. We were married 8 years. I'm going to tell you a few things to do to protect yourself:
1. Fight for full custody. At the very least, settle for 50/50. DO NOT LET HER GET FULL CUSTODY! She can move away with your son, will be in charge of medical and school things, and will be making you pay her child support... and while youre struggling to make ends meet she remarries, has a double income, and your support becomes play money.
2. Separate everything, now. Get a separate bank account and don't give her any money. Hide anything of value. You can't transfer vehicles out of your name, but anything else needs to disappear. She will get half of ALL the marital assets, which is anything purchased while you were married. Everyone will know you hid it, but if they can't find it they can't make you give it back. My exwife did this with my entire autographed skateboard colletion (40 decks) and the judge's hands were tied. Cancel any joint credit card accounts, or remove your name. You'll still have to split the debt, but this way she can't go ring a ton of it up and have you accountable for half.
3. Most importantly, get an attack lawyer. I had an inexperienced one for the first year and it REALLY put me behind the 8 ball. Get the most aggressive one you can find. Don't worry about the cost, it will be worth it in the end.
4. Send letters to any doctors you have stating that you don't want any medical information released to anyone, including your wife. I know this one from experience.
That's all I can think of for now. Divorce was the most emotionally and financially crushing blow I've ever had, and I hate to see anyone else go through it, but like someone else said it will get better and you will get through it. Just stay rational, because if she's the one who's unhappy she WILL and IS going to try to take you to the cleaners. Don't let it happen.
1. Fight for full custody. At the very least, settle for 50/50. DO NOT LET HER GET FULL CUSTODY! She can move away with your son, will be in charge of medical and school things, and will be making you pay her child support... and while youre struggling to make ends meet she remarries, has a double income, and your support becomes play money.
2. Separate everything, now. Get a separate bank account and don't give her any money. Hide anything of value. You can't transfer vehicles out of your name, but anything else needs to disappear. She will get half of ALL the marital assets, which is anything purchased while you were married. Everyone will know you hid it, but if they can't find it they can't make you give it back. My exwife did this with my entire autographed skateboard colletion (40 decks) and the judge's hands were tied. Cancel any joint credit card accounts, or remove your name. You'll still have to split the debt, but this way she can't go ring a ton of it up and have you accountable for half.
3. Most importantly, get an attack lawyer. I had an inexperienced one for the first year and it REALLY put me behind the 8 ball. Get the most aggressive one you can find. Don't worry about the cost, it will be worth it in the end.
4. Send letters to any doctors you have stating that you don't want any medical information released to anyone, including your wife. I know this one from experience.
That's all I can think of for now. Divorce was the most emotionally and financially crushing blow I've ever had, and I hate to see anyone else go through it, but like someone else said it will get better and you will get through it. Just stay rational, because if she's the one who's unhappy she WILL and IS going to try to take you to the cleaners. Don't let it happen.
