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those with insufficant others
- Thread starter BassGirl1122
- Start date
I, too, would love to know what the hell "insufficant" means.
Sorry, but just seeing the title of this thread in the OT list is driving me crazy. Why can't otherwise intelligent people type what they want to say in straightforward English? If you care about what you want to say, then do it properly!
/end rant (for now)
Sorry, but just seeing the title of this thread in the OT list is driving me crazy. Why can't otherwise intelligent people type what they want to say in straightforward English? If you care about what you want to say, then do it properly!
/end rant (for now)
I feel the same. By the time this one sinks to the bottom of the pile, someone else will do it again.
-Mike
IME, if the S.O. comes to every gig, it always leads to problems. The most common problem is the S.O. gets too drunk, which quickly leads to any number of other problems.
On the other hand, if the S.O. never comes to any gig, that can indicate a problem too. A S.O. who doesn't enjoy or share the music thing in any way usually becomes grumpy about the music thing, which can lead to a number of problems.
On the other hand, if the S.O. never comes to any gig, that can indicate a problem too. A S.O. who doesn't enjoy or share the music thing in any way usually becomes grumpy about the music thing, which can lead to a number of problems.
Would you go see him opening someone's chest if he was a heart surgeon?
Would you go watch him carry 2x4's all day if he was a construction worker?
Would you go out at night and risk being shot if he was a police officer?
Would you go to the courthouse every day if he was a lawyer?
Why go when the guy is working with music? Once in a while is ok, but every night...
Would you go watch him carry 2x4's all day if he was a construction worker?
Would you go out at night and risk being shot if he was a police officer?
Would you go to the courthouse every day if he was a lawyer?
Why go when the guy is working with music? Once in a while is ok, but every night...
Ask him "why" and to explain with details. Better to discuss before you "officially" get together.
Please explain what you mean by "I told him"?
So, how is it that you know when is the best time to deal with things? How do you know it will be better to deal with the issue later? I think this type of thinking may be one of the problems that led to the break up of your current marriage.
I suggest you should probably discuss a whole lot of things with your bf before you "officially" get together, especially all the things that led to both of your divorces. Just remember, where ever you go, there you are(problems and all). Putting off facing up to this issue (and others) may be a recipe for disaster.
It seems that you may be unaware of what everyone else already knows about you. You are probably already known as the jealous "mother" who hangs out at a bar during the week, drinking your life away. That's not a productive way to spend your evenings and is a poor role model for your children. Your reputation will be very poor if you get into this lifestyle. Are you an alcoholic that wants to use a "social situation" (bf is in a band) as an excuse to drink?
Blessings from whom? Why would you call upon some one to bless you so that you will be a working musician? Again, that type of wishful thinking is possibly something that gets you into trouble in your relationships.
As far as actually becoming a working musician, why wouldn't you be at home practicing, rehearsing, etc. instead of socializing/drinking at a bar where your bf doesn't want you to be?
Your musician's dream will never happen from spending time hanging around a bar, whether you bf works there or not. I suggest that you need to get your own life, away from your bf and away from bars.
...But, I understand that it is his job and the boss may not see it professional for a girlfriend or wife to constantly hang around.
...But, I am also a fan of the band.
...ButI support them.
...But, I am paying them by buying drinks.
...ButI love watching him play and sing.it's gonna be hard.
...ButI also have friends there.
...ButI am not gonna make him look bad by walking up to the stage and on it to get empty glasses while they are playing (like one gf of a member does).
...But,It's not like I am gonna smoochy kiss him when he is on break and break the neck of a female flirting with him.
...But, I personally wouldn't care-I mean a 'regular day job' yea, if your bf hung out, it would be nerve racking but a bar??
Several "buts" added, but it's all the same: excuses as to why you should get "your way". I sense a drama queen here. And a serious drinker. And planning on taking money away from your children's future by spending it on alcohol.
So, there they are, the real reasons why you want to be out at the bar, along with a threat to do your drinking elsewhere. It's your type of "thinking" in these ways that may ruin your relationships and not just with your bf.
Define respect.
How long will your relationship last when you're sitting at home, by yourself(w/o your kids), feeling jealous, getting angry and tired of being "controlled" because you don't want anyone telling you what to do? Will you be drinking at home as well? Or will you head out to another bar and drink your anxieties away, wondering if your bf is hitting on some woman at the club where he is working?
When your bf gets home from the gig, how much time will you spend grilling him about the evening and who he met or didn't meet?
Conclusion: Your relationship is in the "honeymoon" stage right now. The sex is good and you have fun together but you haven't had any real issues to deal with up to now since no one "knows" about your relationship and all disagreements have been over looked or will be dealt with later.
By posting this on TB, it seems you are headed down the same path that has ruined your previous relationships since you really seem to be unaware of anything in your relationship other than what you want.
It seems that you have some very serious personal issues to deal with so I suggest you get some long-term professional counseling and do some serious self-analysis before committing to any relationship. This is no way to spend the next 50 years.
IMO/IME, your life can be much better than this and your children deserve a grown up, mature mother who is able to help them deal with life and not one who creates drama unnecessarily and is unable to deal with her own issues.
Good luck.
With my ex, I would want her to come to gigs and was happy when she came. Until she started coming to gigs just because she thought it was expected of her, and she was just hanging out alone and bummed out and not socializing with any of our friends. This in turn caused me to keep her company and was a real bummer. So eventually I started making excuses for her not to show up to gigs, just so it wouldn't wreck both of our nights.
The only gigs I don't let her come to are corporate events and private parties. She understands why she can't go to those and never gives me crap about it.
When I play a regular club gig, if she wants to go she can go. I don't tell her she has to come and I NEVER ask her or tell her to just stay home. I'm her fiance not her handler so the choice is always hers.
+1 to this entire post.
All the "butts" are nothing more than rationalizing and justifying to herself why its okay for her to hang at the bar and get her way. When the underlying root cause of it all is jealousy and distrust, and possible alcoholism. Work on those issues and see if you still want to be at that bar as much?
IMO, you're a mom, you belong home with your kids more than you do hanging out in a bar with your bf.
I knew this was going eventully come up, so I am gonna ask you.
My boyfriend, who plays in a house band, was talking to me earlier about in the future when we "officially" get together (we are pending divorce from other spouses so we don't want it publically known), he didn't want me around him on his job all the time. I understand that it is his job and the boss may not see it professional for a girlfriend or wife to constantly hang around.
But it isn't like I am there to see if he behaves. Well, part of me maybe, seeing I am a jealous person...I am very insecure and it frightens me that he might find someone more attractive and leave me.
But I am also a fan of the band. I support them. I am paying them by buying drinks.
I told him we'll handle that when we start crossing that bridge. I have children. Youngest is 9. I am probably gonna have them at times, and going out will be impossible.
Or I might have a job-with blessings, doing the same thing at a different club.
Or knowing that I will see him when he is done work, should be plentiful enough and I won't want to hang at his club-I might find another stomping ground.
What ever, the thing is, I didn't want anyone telling me I can't hang at a club b/c he works there. It's the thought. But I love watching him play and sing.
My question is, those in bands with bf, gf, wives or husbands, do you allow your other to go to your gigs? I know the ones that travel on the road, it is a different situation, but those who are in a house band, what do you think?
I personally wouldn't care-I mean a 'regular day job' yea, if your bf hung out, it would be nerve racking but a bar?? Tell me what you think.
Age old question, but lets break it down. Can you or I expect to be able to tell anyone what they can or can not do, for whatever reason, when they are out at night? How about if he tells you that you can't hang with your old girlfriends, or old friends period, because, well, you are together now and he might not like the group THEY hang with or their actions when they let there hair down? Simple answer, no, he desn't have that right, you don't have that right, and neither do I.
Now, you like the band, you like the club, you like the people that hang there. Super. When you go there and he is working, act just like any other customer/fan/friend. If some girl comes up and hits on him cause he just blew away the room with a tune, don't knock her block off. Also, don't go wait on him, don't clear the stage of glasses, beer bottles and unmentionables. You are not an employee. In short, try and seperate the two, the personal and the the fan/friend thing...if you can do that, no problem, if you can't, hang at TGIF until he gets off....work.
1. Ask him what he expects from you. Once he stated it clearly, tell him what you expect from him, and work out a common ground with the least sacrifices on each side. Because there will be sacrifices.
2. Don't call him "insufficant". He might get offended, or otherwise confused.
2. Don't call him "insufficant". He might get offended, or otherwise confused.
Wow. I agree with some of the advice posted here. But I also see a few folks leaping to conclusions with very little evidence. Alcoholism? Cheating? Bad role model for the kids? I sense at least one of those in many posts in OT.
I just called my woman "insufficant". She got a real bewildered look on her face and then grabbed the dictonary. Of course it's not in there. 
Now.....she keeps bugging me to know what it means. I think I'm going to play this for the rest of the night.
Now.....she keeps bugging me to know what it means. I think I'm going to play this for the rest of the night.
