Tips for the audience

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by brianrost, Dec 6, 2005.

  1. brianrost

    brianrost Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 26, 2000
    Boston, Taxachusetts
    Dear audience member...


    When requesting a song from the band, just say, "play my song!" We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.

    Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory

    If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.

    It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend of the Band."

    Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

    If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band gig.


    When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them play along, it's not
    impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.


    The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing (or playing) at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.

    Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.


    If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing.

    If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; the band loves a challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.


    Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.


    As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They LOVE this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig. :D
  2. haujobb


    Dec 16, 2004
    :meh: Oh god, reading this makes me shudder
  3. jive1

    jive1 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    It's funny because there's truth to it
    It's sad because there's truth to it
  4. WalterBush


    Feb 27, 2005
    Yuma, Az
    SSSHHHH!!! You're not supposed to let the rabble know that we have every tune ever written memorized! If this thread gets out, it'll be anarchy!
  5. shameandspite


    Oct 12, 2005
    I just busted out laughing in the middle of class, I hope your happy.
  6. It's like that south park episode..."He's black so he obviously has a bass in his basement and knows how to play it."
  7. FunkSlap89


    Apr 26, 2005
    Albany, NY
    lol... i love that one. "Tolkein.. you're black, of course you can play bass"
  8. d8g3jdh

    d8g3jdh Guest

    Aug 9, 2005
    dum da dum dum da dum dee dum dum...ah god damn it