Too nice to quit a band

[Lionslicer9999]

Okay so I know this is a Bass forum, but I'm a drummer in this band, I used to play guitar in the band as a favor to a friend who was the drummer. He wasn't that good, and he had an ego, so they kicked him out, and I said I would play drums until we find a replacement. Well that never happened. Long story short, a lot of money placed in the band, the other 2 members act like they care, but I know they don't. When I tell them I want to quit, they just disregard it, they tell me I'm just having a bad week and to think it over, then they just ignore me if I try to mention it again.
They put a lot of money in the band, neither of them have that much money, so if I quit, as the drummer I know the band will fail, losing them money, and I'm just too nice of a guy to do that. I've been trying to find a replacement, but the guitarist lacks a lot of skill and I think anyone of my skill can probably figure that out. I just don't know what to do, and I don't want to get stuck in this band because it really makes me hate music, and I love music, but when I play for the band, I just feel depressed and a little bit of the musician in me dies every time.

I feel like I'm stuck between a realy big rock and another really big rock. People tell me I'm too nice and I should just quit and not care what happens to them. But I just can't do that.

 

[Emm9T]

The general consensus on Talkbass with these stories is "Quit the band!" but I think you're looking for some other solution. Can you post an ad on craigslist or something looking for a drummer? Can you get the old drummer back? Is it as black and white as it seems? Will the band really go under if you quit? This is a crappy situation, I'd rather play different music than the 2 bands I'm in and the rest of my bandmates suck for the most part, but they're the best I've got for now heh. Are these guys really your friends anyway? Or are you kinda stuck with them since they kicked out the drummer?
Find another band, come to them and tell them about your amazing opportunity that you can't pass up. Tell 'em you'll ask if one of them can join the band, just be very non-committal about it
They are human beings, but they are also limiting you, and that can't happen. I'm sure they won't see it as a huge surprise, you've been hinting at it for ages. Find a way out, man.

 

[Mystic Michael]

Dood...

You're wearing a signboard that reads "Victim" - with a note taped to your ass that reads: "Kick me", just for good measure...

If you continue on like this, people may like you all right. But they won't respect you. And they will take advantage of your nice guy ethic, and they will abuse you. Trust me on on this.

You got into this band as a favor - to someone who's not even there anymore? And you stay anyway, even though you're miserable? You tell the other members that you "want" to quit (as if you need their permission) - yet they just brush you off and ignore you? Yet you somehow feel responsible to stay and find a replacement? Unreal...

Either man up and start putting yourself in control of your own destiny, or get ready for a world of disappointment and frustration. Save your altruism for those who have demonstrated that they deserve it - and will appreciate it!

MM

 

[Lionslicer9999]

Well I am in another band that I enjoy much better, but I have posted ads with links to songs, and hundreds have people looked at them and passed it up. I had a drummer say he liked it, but then he kind of stopped talking to me.
They aren't my friends, though they try to suck me in and make me a friend because they don't want me to go. The only thing that really could stop me from being in the band that they might accept, is that I go to college and if they were to tour I wouldn't be able to go.

Being the drummer really is essential in a rock band, and not finding a replacement, I know they wouldn't be able to. I've told them if the music isnt' solid enough to attract another drummer, it probably isn't even solid enough to make money off of, but they just wont give up. I mean if the band was serious enough just to play shows once or twice a month to make some extra cash, I'd be fine with it, but they are really putting their lives into the band, and I'm not going to risk anything for something I'm not into or believe in, I just don't know what to do, I'm just confused, its overwhelming to me, I'm probably missing something very simple, which is why I am posting on a forum to get some feed back to help.

 

[MarkA]

I'm confused. You say these guys are putting their lives (money, hopes for success) into the band, but you also say a lot of things that make them sound not-very-serious about it.

I don't know you or these guys as musicians, but I'd ask yourself what it is you feel you owe them and why. If there is an impending tour, gig, recording date, or something else that's been planned and for which they are depending on you, that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. If they've sunk a lot of money into equipment, they will still have the equipment when you leave.

If they're pinning all their hopes for success on you, that's unfair. If they're not serious and wasting your time, you owe it to yourself to get out. If they are serious and you're just not feeling what they're doing, then, unless you can handle it (and unless it makes sense) as a strictly professional proposition, you owe it to them AND to yourself to get out.

If they have the talent, dedication, and discipline to make a legit go of their band, they'll do it without you. That includes finding another drummer.

If you feel that you owe it to them to give some notice (or would just feel better about it morally), set a firm date by which you'll be out -- but then mean what you say.

It's tempting (I know) to put yourself in the role of the martyr -- the one on whom everything depends, who must sacrifice himself for the greater good -- but it's rarely warranted. And it's hard to disappoint people, especially if they say good things about you. But it sounds like you've already honored whatever commitments, expressed or implied, you had to this band. What you do now is up to you.

Well I am in another band that I enjoy much better, but I have posted ads with links to songs, and hundreds have people looked at them and passed it up. I had a drummer say he liked it, but then he kind of stopped talking to me.
They aren't my friends, though they try to suck me in and make me a friend because they don't want me to go. The only thing that really could stop me from being in the band that they might accept, is that I go to college and if they were to tour I wouldn't be able to go.

Being the drummer really is essential in a rock band, and not finding a replacement, I know they wouldn't be able to. I've told them if the music isnt' solid enough to attract another drummer, it probably isn't even solid enough to make money off of, but they just wont give up. I mean if the band was serious enough just to play shows once or twice a month to make some extra cash, I'd be fine with it, but they are really putting their lives into the band, and I'm not going to risk anything for something I'm not into or believe in, I just don't know what to do, I'm just confused, its overwhelming to me, I'm probably missing something very simple, which is why I am posting on a forum to get some feed back to help.

 

[onionpuzzle]

There is no point in being in a band you don't like, unless you are making oodles of money. The confusing nature of this thread leads me to believe you and your bandmates are young. "not solid enough" does not equal "tour". Who cares if they find another drummer or not ? It is not your responsibility.

Create your own destiny and stop wasting yours and others time.

 

[Jon Moody]

If they have the talent, dedication, and discipline to make a legit go of their band, they'll do it without you. That includes finding another drummer.

I agree.

The minute I say "They can't do this without me!" or "I'm the one they all depend on and they know it" I know is the time I need to move on, band or work situation. That mentality does nothing but make you miserable and also will affect how you perform.

If you don't have any commitments (gigs) with this group, I'd honestly go in, tell them that you're leaving and then pack up (provided you have your gear there). Be honest and upfront with why you're doing it and then stick by it.

 

[Lionslicer9999]

I'm confused. You say these guys are putting their lives (money, hopes for success) into the band, but you also say a lot of things that make them sound not-very-serious about it.

I don't know you or these guys as musicians, but I'd ask yourself what it is you feel you owe them and why. If there is an impending tour, gig, recording date, or something else that's been planned and for which they are depending on you, that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. If they've sunk a lot of money into equipment, they will still have the equipment when you leave.

If they're pinning all their hopes for success on you, that's unfair. If they're not serious and wasting your time, you owe it to yourself to get out. If they are serious and you're just not feeling what they're doing, then, unless you can handle it (and unless it makes sense) as a strictly professional proposition, you owe it to them AND to yourself to get out.

If they have the talent, dedication, and discipline to make a legit go of their band, they'll do it without you. That includes finding another drummer.

If you feel that you owe it to them to give some notice (or would just feel better about it morally), set a firm date by which you'll be out -- but then mean what you say.

It's tempting (I know) to put yourself in the role of the martyr -- the one on whom everything depends, who must sacrifice himself for the greater good -- but it's rarely warranted. And it's hard to disappoint people, especially if they say good things about you. But it sounds like you've already honored whatever commitments, expressed or implied, you had to this band. What you do now is up to you.

Yes it is confusing, they think they are serious, but they aren't. They aren't musically serious, they don't practice enough or work with each other enough. But they promote the hell out of the band, they pass flyers around to shows, they buy merch, they do everything a very serious band would do other than make good music.

The problem I have is just being honest and quiting, because they work hard enough to a point where it could go somewhere, but I would rather go to college, but no drummer wants to replace me, so I just don't know... Maybe they are terrible and I'm only a tad biased because I've been in the band for so long..

 

[throughthefire]

They put a lot of money in the band, neither of them have that much money

That's their decision. When did it become your problem?

if I quit, as the drummer I know the band will fail, losing them money

That's not your problem either.

I'm just too nice of a guy

That's your problem, right there.

I don't want to get stuck in this band because it really makes me hate music

That's the solution. Get out. Anything that happens after that is their issue, not yours. People quit bands every day, and the band carries on (if they're any good..).

But I just can't do that.

Why not? It's time to stand up for yourself as a person and a musician. No-ones going to die over this; it really *isn't* as big an issue as you think it is.

Pack your gear, and walk away. Just walk away - no need to give notice, no need to find your own replacement.

Enjoy your future life in music.. drop the losers!

 

[JustDavid]

The only thing that really could stop me from being in the band that they might accept, is that I go to college and if they were to tour I wouldn't be able to go.

I'd guess that if you were to never show up again they'd eventually accept that as well.

Friend, you really do have to look out for yourself first.

 

[ThisisCraigP]

Don't show up for practice, don't return calls/email, they'll get the idea.

 

[ubersku]

I agree with throughthefire. Besides, if you don't have a contract, you shouldn't feel obligated. It wasn't your choice your bandmates decided to invest in the band with their own money. You need to play and be happy! Why else would one want to play music, besides making it a job. But even then...

If they are mature adults, they'll understand you're not happy and do what it takes to find a new drummer. Not your problem, especially if you are in another band you enjoy.

Tell them it's time for you to move on, thanks for the memories and good luck.

[EDIT] Oh yeah, forgot to share; our current drummer left a band that was doing pretty good, but he just wasn't having fun. He didn't like leaving them, but he did. He said their last gig was terrible. Everyone was stressed, but he got throught it. Now, he knows it's the best decision he made. We're glad he did, too. You other band will appriciate that, as well. They broke up and two of htem even moved out of town to Portland and Seattle. The writing is on the wall. Read it.

 

[onionpuzzle]

OP -- you might be thinking "easier said than done"

NOPE......it is very easy. You simply grab your gear, a quick adios/good luck, and be on your way. Even easier if you don't have gear at their place -- call them (or even text) ---you owe them nothing. (different if this is a well established gigging band)

JUST DO IT, and move on with your musical life. There are a BILLION bands out there.

 

[Lionslicer9999]

OP -- you might be thinking "easier said than done"

NOPE......it is very easy. You simply grab your gear, a quick adios/good luck, and be on your way. Even easier if you don't have gear at their place -- call them (or even text) ---you owe them nothing. (different if this is a well established gigging band)

JUST DO IT, and move on with your musical life. There are a BILLION bands out there.

Its not about the band, its about feeling guilty... I don't want to be the guy to say "hey you know the hundreds of dollars you spend on the band and you actually starved a couple days for the band, yeah that was for nothing"

But I think the setting of a date would be best for me... They're adults they'll figure it out if I give them a date.

 

[JMac- Wiskerface Designs]

Options:
Option 1- Tell them You wish them the best, but You need to move on. Then pack up Your gear and go home.

Option 2- ("The ole' going to get a loaf of bread") Pack up Your gear, and tell them You're taking it home to clean and maintenance it. Never call them, or show up for practice again (wuss way out BTW).

Option 3- Hang in there and be miserable.

These are some options but in the end You are the guy who has to live with Your decision, so decide carefully....... Oh yea, never let anyone guilt trip You into staying in any unhappy situation.....Good Luck!

 

[onionpuzzle]

not your fault they spent money.....

if the band is worth a darn, then they will find another drummer

if the band is crap, well then, there ya go.

don't delay -- do it today....no guilt need be involved

 

[MarkA]

Emphasis mine:

Yes it is confusing, they think they are serious, but they aren't. They aren't musically serious, they don't practice enough or work with each other enough. But they promote the hell out of the band, they pass flyers around to shows, they buy merch, they do everything a very serious band would do other than make good music.

The problem I have is just being honest and quitting, because they work hard enough to a point where it could go somewhere, but I would rather go to college, but no drummer wants to replace me, so I just don't know... Maybe they are terrible and I'm only a tad biased because I've been in the band for so long..

Look, I think you've answered your own question. Do you believe that these people can get "musically serious"? Do you believe it enough to stake your time and whatever part of your happiness is involved in the band on it? If not, get out. If your REALLY want to be a friend to these people, calmly but firmly tell them how you feel, wish them the best, and get out. How they take it (and what they do with it after that) is up to them.

If you decide to stay, do it for the right reasons (which, frankly, doesn't sound like what's happening) and light a fire under their asses. From what you've said here, though, it sounds to me like you should get out.

Whatever you do, you've got to start taking some responsibility for your decisions.

Good luck!

 

[Stumbo]

.... I used to play guitar in the band as a favor to a friend who was the drummer.

Let me get this straight: You were only in the band as a favor to the the now ex-drummer? Seems that helping out other people is a major part of your life.

I said I would play drums until we find a replacement.

That's a big "we" there. Seems like they didn't hold up their end of the bargain. I think this is your out: Since you already told the other members your intentions and they did not act on it(meaning get another drummer), just let them know that your moving on and wish them luck.

People tell me I'm too nice and I should just quit and not care what happens to them. But I just can't do that.

Caring about people and enabling them are two different things. IMO, on lesson to learn out of this is that you may be stuck in relationships like this for the rest of your life unless you speak up for yourself.

You're only responsible for yourself. Whether they make it or not, have a band or not, enjoy life or not, dislike you or not, etc. etc. is not up to you. You don't have that much control over people. To think you do can be a serious mental thinking error. What's the worst thing that will happen if you quit the band.

Whether it feels "right" to you or you "feel" bad for them, etc, it's time for you to move on and find some happiness for yourself. This applies not only to your "band" but in your non-band life as well.

Making sure that others are happy while you feel like crap and continuing on for months or years is one way to get into a serious depression, especially when you think you don't have the power to change things. The real question is, IMO, "why don't you think you have the power/courage to stand up for yourself"?

As time goes on, you'll have to make many decisions like this. In school, college, relationships, etc. Even when you buy a car, will you buy a car because the seller put pressure on you and tells you he really needs the money? Even if it's not the right car for you?

And lastly and most importantly, why would put off going to college for this group? You gotta think long and hard about that question. Maybe this situation is more about you not wanting to have to leave home and take on the responsibility for making it in college? Something to think about. Possibly seeing a family counselor may help you sort things out.

Good luck.

 

[Phalex]

I have never quit a band in my life! I act like a total douche until the band leader has that "We're gonna have to make some changes" talk. It can take up to six months before you get the talk though. You may just want to tell em you're out.

 

[Bassdude404]

The only thing that really could stop me from being in the band that they might accept....

So they have to ACCEPT your decision??? ..It's really easy man....Just pack up your stuff, shake hands and walk out the door...Just did this very thing myself around Thanksgiving...We were stuck on the same 8 songs, not gaining any ground, and the guy had 8 cats in his house!!....The smell was overwhelming when you opened the door..My wife kept talking me into going to practice, because she enjoyed going and aid we sounded good....But even she said the odor from all those cats was getting to her....So Thanksgiving weekend we went and got my gear...Dude helped me carry my cabinets out to the truck, we shook hands and said "good luck" to each other...