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Am I asking too much from the drummer?

Axtman

Axtman

Supporting Member
Mar 3, 2008
2,572
4,708
Seattle, WA
#1
I play in a band that practices about 1-1/2 hour (on a good traffic day) from my house. We recently got a new drummer who lives in my neighborhood. I thought it would be a good idea for us to carpool. He initially was agreeable. I texted him today and he said he would rather drive separately because I am too much out of the way. Really? I'm 4 miles from him and practically on the way to practice.

I thought carpooling would be a good idea to save on gas and so that we could get to know each other. Driving alone gets a bit tedious. I would prefer that he drive since my truck topper leaks, is not comfortable and has electrical problems. (This is the year that I buy a new vehicle.) Of course I told him that I would pay for gas. Heck I'd even buy him and early dinner.

So what do you think?
 
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#4
Could be a degree of introversion. Some people aren't comfy making small talk with relative strangers, especially for about 90 min x2 per rehearsal. Also, maybe he has a lot going on at home/work and he really enjoys the quiet time by himself.

He may change his mind after a month or so, once you guys know each other better.

That's a heckuva drive for rehearsal. I'm not crazy about the occasional GIG at that distance. I hope the group continues to be worthwhile for you.
 
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#5
He might just be an introvert. Time alone in his car might be the best part of his day.

If he didn't practice enough, he might be cramming on the songs on the way to rehearsal and doesn't want you to know.

He might have an upset stomach this time and need to stop several times on the way and doesn't want to talk about it.

You might have picked your nose last time and that grossed him out.

It could be anything really. Don't make assumptions. Your car problems aren't his problems. He might not be a jerk. But there could be a zillion, non-jerky and legit, reasons why he would rather go it alone to rehearsal.


Or he could be a jerk. And who wants to spend an hour and a half couped up in a car with a jerk?

Either way, take a breath. Drive to rehearsal. Greet him with a handshake. Figure it out over time.
 
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#6
Update: I took my truck to the shop to get an oil change since I will be driving today. Well they found a crack in the radiator (and hopefully not more problems). So if he can't get a new radiator and get it in today, it looks like I won't make it to practice after all. We have a gig tomorrow so if my truck is not fixed I will have to beg, borrow or steal a car.

(BTW, I trust my mechanic and have been going to him for years. He is not trying to pull a fast one on me. I noticed the engine was making noises while driving back from my sister's house on Christmas Day.)
 
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#8
I offered to pick him up and he declined. This was before I learned the status of my truck.

I figured that he would want to use his vehicle since it would already be packed the way he wants. Heck some drummers leave their kit in the vehicle in the garage.

I will wave at him when he drives past my house on the way to practice. ;-)
 
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#9
Axtman said:
So what do you think?
Click to expand...
The whole "introvert" thing. I'm not fond of carpooling either. I just don't like it.

That and the reality I've never once been asked if I wanted a ride from the other person. It's always been "Hey man, let's ride together in your vehicle." It gets old fast. Never once had anyone offer gas money either (unlike you have offered).
 
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#14
Axtman said:
I play in a band that practices about 1-1/2 hour (on a good traffic day) from my house. We recently got a new drummer who lives in my neighborhood. I thought it would be a good idea for us to carpool. He initially was agreeable. I texted him today and he said he would rather drive separately because I am too much out of the way. Really? I'm 4 miles from him and practically on the way to practice.

I thought carpooling would be a good idea to save on gas and so that we could get to know each other. Driving alone gets a bit tedious. I would prefer that he drive since my truck topper leaks, is not comfortable and has electrical problems. (This is the year that I buy a new vehicle.) Of course I told him that I would pay for gas. Heck I'd even buy him and early dinner.

So what do you think?
Click to expand...
If you want a ride from someone, you should drive to them. Why would anyone go out of their way to do you a constant favor? And be early. And help him with his stuff. And split the gas...every single time.
 
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#15
I'm all for carpooling so I usually offer if it's possible, but it's also nice to be able to stay as long as you want and leave when you want instead of being on someone else's schedule. Especially with families and weird work hours and other stuff to deal with before and after.

But if he's that close to you and your car will be in the shop, seems to me he ought to do you and the band a solid and pick you up this time anyway...
 
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#17
Axtman said:
I play in a band that practices about 1-1/2 hour (on a good traffic day) from my house. We recently got a new drummer who lives in my neighborhood. I thought it would be a good idea for us to carpool. He initially was agreeable. I texted him today and he said he would rather drive separately because I am too much out of the way. Really? I'm 4 miles from him and practically on the way to practice.

I thought carpooling would be a good idea to save on gas and so that we could get to know each other. Driving alone gets a bit tedious. I would prefer that he drive since my truck topper leaks, is not comfortable and has electrical problems. (This is the year that I buy a new vehicle.) Of course I told him that I would pay for gas. Heck I'd even buy him and early dinner.

So what do you think?
Click to expand...


You have the problem, not him.

Its a good idea in your mind to carpool with him because your car is not up to snuff.

While your offer to cover expenses is fine, it is also fine for him to decline.

You have the problem not him.
 
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#18
joining a band with someone doesn't mean they're obligated to drive you anywhwere. as Thum5b said, maybe he has somewhere else to be after practice.

or maybe he's had people smoke in his car after he asked them not to or spill their drinks on his seats. or maybe he's just a quiet guy or packs all his gear in the front and back seat.

my friend took a friend of a friend she didn't really know home, but when she got pulled over, it turned out he had a bag of small bags of weed in her car and he had pushed it under her seat. she was a real straight arrow but she lost her job over this, her career, spent the first night of her life in jail.
 
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#19
this thread bothered me. i asked my husband what he would do if new band members asked to carpool in his ride. he said he'd be concerned that he'd be expected to drive them regularly and - as he said to me when i asked him - "you know i don't drive strangers". then he reminded me of my own listing when we met - bass player available, have good gear and reliable transpo." i hadn't realized it, but apparently reliable transpo was one of the reasons he replied to my ad. this from the man who picked up our drummer (who he knew very well) twice a week and for shows for years.
 
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