Maybe it needs a particular accent or something, but I'm not getting it (and yes I tried 'this one's too tone')?
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Bad jokes on stage
- Thread starter Waffles and Scotch
- Start date
Maybe it needs a particular accent or something, but I'm not getting it (and yes I tried 'this one's too tone')?
The joke is it's not really a joke, just a long drawn-out story that leaves you asking for the punch line.
ok, so there's this train conductor and he's realy nervous about work so he gets really drunk right before his shift. then while conducting a train full of just adopted orphans on their way to meet there new parents he crashes it into a river. All the orphans drown and the river becomes polluted but the conductor survives. he is found guilty of muder and is sent to the electric chair. when asked what he wanted for his last meal he replied, "i want a red banana from mars." Nasa spends a couple months making arrangments and then brings him his red banana from mars. now he is in the chair and the executioner flips the switch and nothing happens. he messes with the chair and tries again. nothing happens. the executioner then says, " if i flip the switch again it it doesnt work it must be a sign from god that you are to be freed. so lets try this again" he messes with it again and flips the switch but nothing happens. the executioner says, "You are the first in my 20 years here to survive all three times. thats amazing!" so the guy says, "well i guess im just a bad conductor."
End-of-set banter from Tim:
"We'll be right back, so don't go anywhere and if you do, let us know...we might go with ya!"
End-of-night:
"If you've been drinking, don't drive. If you're driving, make sure you have a car!"
...and my favorite blurb "What do Michelle Obama and Snoop Dog have in common? They both like to blow a little dope." This line varies with White House occupancy...we did the same with Laura Bush.
Riis
"We'll be right back, so don't go anywhere and if you do, let us know...we might go with ya!"
End-of-night:
"If you've been drinking, don't drive. If you're driving, make sure you have a car!"
...and my favorite blurb "What do Michelle Obama and Snoop Dog have in common? They both like to blow a little dope." This line varies with White House occupancy...we did the same with Laura Bush.
Riis
Two little boys walk into a convenience store, pick out a box of tampons, and set it on the counter. The clerk laughs and says, "How old are you?" to one of the boys. The boy replies, "Eight." The clerk smiles and says back, "And what about your friend?" The boy says, "He's four." The clerk says, "Well, do you know what these are for?" The boy replies, "No, but they say that you can swim and ride a bike with one of these, and my friend can't do either of those things."
The bass player for the band that went on after us Saturday night told this one...we all got a good laugh:
Two whales are sitting at a bar. The first whale says *bassist makes very accurate whale noises and flaps his arms*.
The 2nd whale says "Shut up, Tom, you're drunk!"
Two whales are sitting at a bar. The first whale says *bassist makes very accurate whale noises and flaps his arms*.
The 2nd whale says "Shut up, Tom, you're drunk!"
I always liked this little one liner:
I have half a mind to play a Country song, thank God that's all it takes!
I have half a mind to play a Country song, thank God that's all it takes!
I told this one a couple weeks ago while our drummer was trying to figure out how to operate his sampler (a joke in it's own right).
"Do you want me to tell a Casey Anthony joke?
I'd tell you, but my mom would kill me."
"Do you want me to tell a Casey Anthony joke?
I'd tell you, but my mom would kill me."
bassman314
I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process...
so... much... win....
This one is sorta ***** up. Ok. It's totally ***** up.
A Vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of boiling water.
Bartender says "Hey, don't you just drink blood?"
Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."
This one is sorta ***** up. Ok. It's totally ***** up.
A Vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of boiling water.
Bartender says "Hey, don't you just drink blood?"
Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."
Two of my favorite lame jokes:
How do you make pickle bread?
Dill dough.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of it.
How do you make pickle bread?
Dill dough.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of it.
I told a really stupid one at a gig last summer. My best friend/Lead guitarist died laughing but that was all lol..
What do you call an boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call an boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
