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Beefeater: A Spring Break Tale

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by DigMe, Mar 23, 2007.

  1. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX
    The wife and I decided to drive up to Wolf Creek, Colorado last week during my spring break and do some snowboarding. Yeah, yeah...whatever.

    The REAL adventure of this trip occurred as I drove in on Interstate Highway 40 and caught a glimpse of my old nemesis - The Big Texan Steak Ranch. A restaurant so big that it can only be called a ranch.


    As I'm sure that you all know it is the home of the Free 72oz Steak dinner (if eaten in one hour). To me this is more than just a steak ranch - it's my Everest.

    You see, when I was a lad my family was poor. My father was a pioneer trapper who sat on a stump drinking moonshine and shooting at the gubment men. We could not afford such staples as 72oz steaks and giant novelty beef cows. Ever since the day that I first passed The Big Texan Steak Ranch and I saw their sign proclaiming "Free 72oz Steak dinner (if eaten in one hour)" I KNEW that one day destiny and I would dance over a four and a half pound piece of Grade A beef.

    That day had come.

    After we got settled in our hotel room I called down to the concierge and ordered some luxury wheels to come pick me up. My ride quickly arrived:

    When I walked into The Big Texan Steak Ranch the merriment suddenly ceased and the music stopped. You could have heard a pin drop. It was apparent to these poor saps that a real man had just walked through that door and that something SERIOUS was about to go down. I walked straight up to the official Free 72oz Steak dinner (if eaten in one hour) eating table that sat on its elevated platform in the center of the restaurant, sat down, looked the stunned waiter in the eye and said, "Well, are you gonna stand there, or are ya gonna skin that steak wagon?" His jaw just dropped and I saw him mouth the only words that could process in his overloaded brain - "HOLY S#*T!"

    20 minutes later, there it was. It might as well really have been Everest. I hadn't seen a piece of meat that massive since my last visit to a urinal. I took one look around the room at all the wide-eyed patrons, gave a confident "Pssshtt" and dug in as the one hour countdown was started. I decided to knock out the sides first as it's required to get the free dinner. No prob. Then I hit the slab of cow. I could have gone Kobayashi on it but I prefer to pace myself. After all, I had a full 50 minutes left by this time.

    Here is an actual picture of me eating the steak:

    As you can see, I meant business and I wore my official 72oz steak-eating hat.

    Well, it was now 45 minutes later and I had knocked out 4lbs. I only had 5 minutes left though and a half pound of meat to go. This wasn't looking good. The cook had come out to watch and he smelled blood. He stood smugly watching, toothpick hanging from his mouth buffing his nails on his stained wifebeater. I looked right at him and he gave me a cocky little smile. He had seen many men in this situation before...unable to close the deal. As the clock continued to count down, thirty seconds left...I looked over one more time. I looked him right in the eye and gave a wink as I lifted the remaining third pound of beef, tossed it in the air and watched as it flipped end-over-end and reached it's apex. Everyone in The Big Texan Steak Ranch was holding their breath as the meat started to fall. Without taking my eyes off the cook I tilted my head, opened my mouth and caught it swallowing it hole with a satisfying gulp. The cook's mouth fell open, toothpick falling to the floor. Some guy at a table 10 feet away stood up in the silent room and started clapping slowly and loudly. Gradually others stood and followed suit until the whole building was a roar of raucous cheering and clapping. I rose as the humiliated cook slinked away into the back. At that moment all the hot chicks in the place spontaneously ripped their shirts off and hoisted me over their shoulders. It was not a position that was new to me, but it always makes me a little uncomfortable. "Ladies, I said...I appreciate the gesture...but there's only one woman in my life." They lowered me to the floor and I walked out the door and into the sunset, arm around my wife.

    Then after we went back to the hotel and made mad love, I had my wife take a picture of my post-steak belly...a trophy that says, "This is pure beefcake." Here's the after shot:

    This life is a helluva ride. Make the most of it, boys.

  2. Josh Ryan

    Josh Ryan - that dog won't hunt, Monsignor. Supporting Member

    Mar 24, 2001
  3. labgnat

    labgnat Banned

    Oct 29, 2005
    outta this world
    you haven't seen a slab of beef that big since ur last trip to the urinal huh??

    classic. surely someone will use that as their signature
  4. IconBasser

    IconBasser Scuba Viking Supporting Member

    Feb 28, 2007
    Fontana, California
    wow dude, You're the only guy I've ever heard of that actually finished it!!!
  5. SBassman


    Jun 8, 2003
    Northeast, US
    It's only a matter of time before you sell this story to one of the movie studios.
  6. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX

  7. bc = tQ
  8. SoComSurfing

    SoComSurfing Mercedes Benz Superdome. S 127. R 22. S 12-13.

    Feb 15, 2002
    Mobile, Al
    Damn. That was the first thing that came to mind when I started reading this thread. Beat me to it.
  9. Rakie

    Rakie Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to...

    I thought this was going to be stupid when i first saw it, then i read it, and i was right.

    But i liked it anyways.
  10. Fishbrain


    Dec 8, 2000
    England, Liverpool
    Endorsing Artist: Warwick Bass and Amp
    what a naration
  11. Lazylion

    Lazylion Goin ahead on wit my bad self!

    Jan 25, 2006
    Frederick MD USA
    You are a truly awesome beef eater. A giant among men. But I'm curious, how did you come by the movable left ear? In the first picture of you, it's clearly several inches higher than it is in the second picture of you. :confused:
    May we be allowed to know the answer, o great one?
  12. Brad Barker

    Brad Barker

    Apr 13, 2001
    berkeley, ca
    i'm sorry i ever doubted the fact that brad cook is the qintar.

  13. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX

  14. SoComSurfing

    SoComSurfing Mercedes Benz Superdome. S 127. R 22. S 12-13.

    Feb 15, 2002
    Mobile, Al
    While I'm happy that this is IMO undeniable proof of the equation bc = tQ, I am still somewhat let down because before I opened the thread, my first thoughts were of a spring break story that would involve Beefeater Gin. Either way, bc = tQ, so I'm happy.
  15. The_D

    The_D Well, thats like your opinion. Man...

    Mar 20, 2004
    Fife, Scotland
    Yup, definitive proof.
  16. brianbj46


    Aug 11, 2006
    madison, wi
    did you take a pic of the massive crap that resulted?
  17. i was thinking this was going to be about spring break and gin, but either way, hats off to you Brad!!

    Brad Cook FTW
  18. Mark Wilson

    Mark Wilson Supporting Member

    Jan 12, 2005
    Toronto, Ontario
    Endorsing Artist: Elixir® Strings
    That's the first thing that came to my mind.

    Holy crap. I laughed so hard.
  19. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004
    That was by far the perfect first post to have in this thread.
  20. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    I'm not worthy!!!!.

    This is the best post I've EVER read...

    **Loud applause**

    You are mighty my friend. You are a might soul not to be reckoned with. You make Homer Simpson look like a meer cartoon. I'm going out and celebrating on your behalf. I will spread the word. I will spread the legend of the Q. The Might Q. OMFG!!!!... I am hereby heading into the other room to kiss my wife goodbye as I treat myself to not ONE but FOUR Korean Message girls... It will be in your honor my friend. This my friend has always been my Everest, and you have inspired me. I will do it to tonight.

    You sir, need to hop on a plane and bang on the doors of Windsor, and stand before her Magesty the Queen and demand that she dub you a knight. Sir Q. The MIGHTY Sir Q.

    I now understand why the legend of the Q is so magical. Thank you my friend... I am bowing in your presence.

    :D :D :D :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :D :D :D :D

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