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Being single again

MadMan118

MadMan118

Jan 10, 2008
1,446
6
Vallejo, CA
#1
I'm finding myself on the end of a 2 year long relationship. I'm not talking about what happened, I don't need to. It was very serious, think pretty much married. It hurts like hell but I cant change people only me. but in the last 2 years I've forgotten how to just be me, by myself. Its like sitting across the table from a stranger with a big knife, it's a scary thought. looking for input on how to find the guy i used to know so well.
 
#2
Therapy. Saved my butt after I found out my wife was cheating on me (and subsequent divorce) and the breakup of my serious relationship earlier this year. It does hurt, and pretty much nothing can ease that pain, but therapy will help you to get past it a lot faster.

You've got the big concept already- that you can't change people. You can only change how you feel. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help you with that. See a qualified therapist. Write music. Keep up normal activities... don't curl up and stay in the house all day, that's the worst thing you can do. When you're ready, another female will come along. Trust me. I thought I had lost everything this year with my break up but now I realize that there's going to be someone else who cares about me.

If you start losing/gaining a lot of weight, can't go to work, and/or feel suicidal it's time to consult a psychiatrist.

Good luck buddy. You'll make it through.
 
#3
Also, people like to drown themselves in alcohol and other items. I do not recommend it. I am in situation where I have been single for about month. Every day is another day of misery for me, but I try hard to focus and be the best person I can at work. It creeps up on me every few moments, and I find myself almost breaking down in the process.

I never considered therapy, especially since I have a degree in psychology. I feel that everything I would be told would be something I already knew. However, if things keep up the way they are, who knows what I will attempt to do in hopes of finding solace.

Everyone I talked to says time heals... Time has done some healing, but it cannot be rushed. Keep your head up and try and talk to people, or write about how you feel. Sometimes people may get annoyed with constantly hearing what you have to say so that is why writing can help.

It is always good to have an output.
 
#4
Man up guys! Coming out of a serious relationship hurts. Its supposed to hurt. It guarantees that you don't walk away from this without having learned something about yourself. Now youre free, so take what youve learned, and apply that to life. If youve been so absorbed in a relationship that youve forgotten how to be you, by yourself, then its safe to say that youve probably disconnected yourself from others you were once close with. Im talking about friends and such. You have friends, right? Reconnect with them, talk to them, apologize to them, and be friends again. Do things that make you happy. All those things that you thought you couldnt do because your other half wasnt into them, go do them. Invite your friends, or do them alone. You dont need anyone. Remember, happiness comes from within, and you have the power to make yourself happy. Pursue your dreams.
 
#5
I felt the same way wen I came out of a 3 year relationship.

The best thing 2 do is reconnect with people u havnt spoken 2 in a long time.

It was easy for me I reached for the smoke, joined back up with the ladz n went 2 a slamming house party. Took about 3 months of this but hell it's sooooooooo worth being the person I actually am n not wot my bitch ex made me into haha :D

Itl happen jus give it time :)
 
#6
MatticusMania said:
Man up guys! Coming out of a serious relationship hurts. Its supposed to hurt. It guarantees that you don't walk away from this without having learned something about yourself. Now youre free, so take what youve learned, and apply that to life. If youve been so absorbed in a relationship that youve forgotten how to be you, by yourself, then its safe to say that youve probably disconnected yourself from others you were once close with. Im talking about friends and such. You have friends, right? Reconnect with them, talk to them, apologize to them, and be friends again. Do things that make you happy. All those things that you thought you couldnt do because your other half wasnt into them, go do them. Invite your friends, or do them alone. You dont need anyone. Remember, happiness comes from within, and you have the power to make yourself happy. Pursue your dreams.
Click to expand...

THIS!!! ^

After the end of my first marriage, I had to find out who I was again. It also gave me the opportunity to re-define myself on my own terms. I made a conscious decision not to allow myself to get swallowed up by being hurt and angry at the failure of my marriage, and focused on being me. I realized that there were some things I would never allow myself to compromise again, and that I was not going to let somone else's failure define my happiness. Going and doing things that make you happy - purely for the sake that it makes you happy - is a good thing.

Let this be the start of a more focused and self-confident MadMan.
 
#8
I was in a bad way coming out of a nearly 4 year long relationship.

What helped? Realising the world didn't revolve around them, realising they kinda sucked as a person and, maybe most importantly, finding all the girls that I "could have had a chance with" in the past and finding that the chance was still there :bassist:

Follow the mantra of the holy Maki

Quantity > Quality
 
#9
Madman -

You on this site because you are a bassist! Take it from one of the Best Drummers in the world, Neil Peart who quotes: "Live for yourself for there is no one else more worth living for."

What member of the band get's the most chicks? The bassist! Keep your head up and get out there. You'll find someone a 100 X's better. Just a matter of time man. You'll see!

:)

Rock on!
 
#11
MatticusMania said:
Now now, no need to fill the OP's head with lies, he's having a tough enough time as it is...
Click to expand...

lolz :p

But seriously, go out and be engaging with people. If there's a cute girl at your checkout counter then flirt with her a little. If there's something you've been wanting to go do then try to get a big group of friends together to go do it. Be active. Keep your head up and smile when you're walking. Say hi to people you pass on the street. Don't clam up, because that will only make things harder. Most importantly, realize that there are around 3 billion women out there in the world just waiting to break your heart. You'll find another one no problem ;)
 
#15
The first time I had my heart broken by a female, I was mooning around in a grand sulk and my gramps asked what the problem was. I poured out my little broken heart to him and he said "there are people who handle their problems and their are people whose problems handle them. Which one are you?"
 
#16
Thanks guys the reconnecting has helped even just getting back on TB I've seen some good stuff I've missed. Thanka for your advice espeicaly Eric I feel like I failed at this becauae of the end result and I think that's my biggest hang up right now.
 
#17
as an add on to the man up post...

For two years you werent being you? Dude, lame. Anyone that makes you change who you are is bad news.

I'm not saying a girl who makes you stop going out on wild turkey binges every weekend is a succubus, but if you are totally pulled away from your regular activities and friends so much that you have to go "reconnect" with them, that is not a healthy relationship. congrats on being out.

for disclosure reasons, single for 4 years and happy as hell.
 
#18
i_got_a_mohawk said:
I was in a bad way coming out of a nearly 4 year long relationship.

What helped? Realising the world didn't revolve around them, realising they kinda sucked as a person and, maybe most importantly, finding all the girls that I "could have had a chance with" in the past and finding that the chance was still there :bassist:

Follow the mantra of the holy Maki

Quantity > Quality
Click to expand...

+1 haha yeh!
 
#19
MadMan118 said:
Thanks guys the reconnecting has helped even just getting back on TB I've seen some good stuff I've missed. Thanka for your advice espeicaly Eric I feel like I failed at this becauae of the end result and I think that's my biggest hang up right now.
Click to expand...
Honestly, just learn to live independently again. A lot of the problem with the pain and hurt revolves around the fact that you've become so reliant on someone and comfortable doing things with them that you've forgotten to be on your own. I'm not saying the pain isn't real and that it's darker days in your young life but being able to reconnect with old ideas, do things that you've set aside during your relationship, and learning to live by yourself again is the best thing you can do.

People change and trying to change them "back" to how they used to be might be impossible.
 

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