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Best bassist jokes

#22
A bassist and a drummer went skydiving one day. The bassist jumped out of the plane first, and his chute opened round. The drummer jumped out after him, but his chute failed to open. Seeing the drummer speed past him toward the earth, the bassist yelled out, "So you want to race, huh?" and cut his shroud lines to give chase.
 
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#28
Bass teacher is really stoked about getting another student on the hook. Young kid comes for his first lesson - learns all the notes on the E string. Next week he comes in and gets taught all the notes on the A string. The third week comes, and the bass teacher is waiting and waiting and the kid doesn't show up. Annoyed, he phones up the kid to see why he's late. The kid answers and says, "Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."
 
#29
hotrodjohn said:
Bass teacher is really stoked about getting another student on the hook. Young kid comes for his first lesson - learns all the notes on the E string. Next week he comes in and gets taught all the notes on the A string. The third week comes, and the bass teacher is waiting and waiting and the kid doesn't show up. Annoyed, he phones up the kid to see why he's late. The kid answers and says, "Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."
Click to expand...

Hahaha I always knew those two extra strings were just for show!! Lol
 
#30
winstonthecat said:
These have been done before, but I'll put in.

How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None...the keyboard player does it with his left hand.
Click to expand...

I'm actually just after posting this in the bass rage thread. :scowl:

So, 2 musicians and a bassist walk into a bar....


What happened to the bassist who got stranded in the woods without food or water?

Who cares?
 
#31
Bass player offenses/fines list

Name of offender _____________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______

Musical offenses

Playing loudly during warm up — $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping — $25
Loud cursing after mistake — $10
Playing high and fast after mistake — $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes — $20
Asking for "E" tuning note — $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb — $50
Playing written-out walking line — $50
Failure to play written walking line — $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes — $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures — $50
Playing eighth notes — $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes — $10 each
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo — $75
Dragging ballad tempo — $100
Blacking out during ballad — $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo — $100
Following drummer's tempo — $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me — $1000

Upright player offenses

Showing up before first downbeat — $25
Playing audibly — $25
Faking changes — $25
Slapping — $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass — $25
Excessive sweating — $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo — $50
Asking leader for a solo — $30
Accepting solo when offered — $50
Taking second chorus — $100
Playing solo arco — $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune — $25
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune — $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune — $500

Electric player offenses

Checking hair between tunes — $15
Experimenting with odd meters — $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill — $25
Playing with a pick — $50
Tuning during ballad — $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba — $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad — $150
Attempting last word on final chord — $50
Achieving last word on final chord — $100
Long gliss down to final note — $200

Equipment violations—electric

Forgetting strap — $10
Changing strings after every set — $15
Using electric tuner — $15
Setting up mic "just in case" — $75
Forgetting to turn amp on — $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip — $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp — $25
Bringing custom-made bass — $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass — $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass — $150
Bringing fretless bass — $500

Criminal bad taste

Telling bone player about all the gigs you get — $10
Asking bone player about their day gig — $10
Sitting behind drums on break — $10
Quoting "Birdland" — $25
Practicing scales during break — $25
Practicing scales during drum solo — $50
Practicing — $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" — $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are
"into
sequencing" — $100

Basic stupidity

Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt — $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt — $20
Asking when the rock set starts — $20
Continually asking "where are we?" — $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" — $25
Asking bone player where "1" is — $50
Taking cellphone call during 4's — $100
 
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#36
Spectrum said:
A guitarist and a bassist couldn't pay for baseball tickets, so they walked around the side of the field to look over the fence. The guitarist couldn't see over the top, because his neck wasn't long enough.
Click to expand...

[/thread] :D


A family is walking through the local zoo. They come across the lion cage, and there are two lions. One of them is licking the other in the bum. The son asks his dad what the lions are doing. The dad says, "He's just eaten a bassist and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth!"
 

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