Can't win for losing (relationship content)

[Oddly]

Maybe you should show her this thread.
If nothing else, it'll demonstrate what a great guy she's got...not like all us idiots...

 

[BassChuck]

Tone of voice.

 

[Michael Jewels]

I usually don't reply to relationship threads, but to quote what a drunk said to me about 35 years ago while telling me about why he got divorced, "Understand, my friend: Everything with women is backwards."

He stumbled out of the bar, and I never saw him again.

True story.

Sorry for your trouble.

Mike

 

[mellowinman]

I would not set up in the kitchen.

EVER.

She wants the space; give her the space. Put down rugs; put a space heater there; wear warm clothes; whatever it takes.

As for understanding women, I will start understanding women as soon as they start understanding me.

We are all little mysteries.

 

[Sav'nBass]

So I have had the ability to work from home for a number of years now. Our house is not exactly set up for it, but I do have a space in the basement that works well, usually. Our basement sometimes is uncomfortably cold, even with a space heater - the floors stay cold. Add to that, my kids sometimes use the basement to hang with friends. As a result, I sometimes work at our kitchen table. I also will work at the kitchen table when it's a particularly nice day, as the view & natural light is better there.

Well - my wife REALLY doesn't like me working in the kitchen when she is home. She feels like she can't go about her business while I am there. I have reminded her that if she is doing is distracting to me I'll simply get up and move, or alternately, if I am in her way, I'll move. I have never been able to really pinpoint WHY it's an issue when I am there, but it is.

Anyway - today I was working in the kitchen while she was at work out of the house. Her work day ends middle of the afternoon. I was listening to an industry simulcast, so had headphones in, when she came home. I apologized for being in the kitchen, and explained that I was due to the temperature in the basement, and our son was planing to come home from school with a few friends.

Well - she completely bit my head off. It was the most bizarre thing. I won't get into the specifics, but at the end she said, with tears in her eyes "What must you think of me that you feel the need to apologize when I had not even said a word?"

I explained that she has made it clear her displeasure in the past, and I try to respect that. So felt it was the respectful thing to do by apologizing, and to explain why I was there.

At the end of the day, I know that she was crying because it DOES reflect on her. But again, I was trying to be respectful, and not make an issue of it. I though that better than sitting there and waiting for the occasional glare to come from her.
Ugh, WTH?

There may be something else going on with her.. hormone wise. A lot of times women get upset when you go there but it is a fact.. Often you have to just hold that thought.. do not share it.. and keep it moving.

Best advice.
Let it chill, but return to it when the heat has died down. Then simply ask to talk about it. My guess is there is more beneath the surface that needs to be aired.
Be a good listener, then make your point and go from there.
You know the drill Sometimes it just needs to be restated.
Marriage is always a work in progress.

^^^^ That.. and remember.. the "I love you's.." along with the appropriate actions on your part along the way in most cases go a long way to being like salve in a jar for the inevitable bruises in a relationship.

My experience with my wife is that when either of us are in a bad mood it really has nothing to do with the other person. She could have had a terrible day, have not slept the last night, or just be hungry. She may be interpreting your actions as you disliking her. For all you know, she came home and was going to try to make an effort to accommodate your work better, and she couldn't do anything right. You won't know until you can talk to her in a way that comes across as neutral. It sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you.

^^^^

I have nothing to offer.
The way I view it is that women run a different operating system to men and that's all there is to it. They both perform the same basic functions but achieve them in completely different ways.
I came home from work one day in the middle of summer and there was a icy chill in the air, I ate my dinner and washed the dishes as I always did then went and sat and watched TV with my wife and waited for the inevitable storm but nothing happened, she didn't say a word all night.
In the end I asked what was wrong, "you know very well what's wrong" was all I got. I wracked my brain, what date is it, have I missed a birthday or anniversary, nope. Had I said or done anything that might have upset her, not that I could think of. I had no idea what I had done but whatever it was it was serious because she had never been like this before.
Over the next 3 days she gradually started to talking to me again, it was the weirdest 3 days of my life. I never did find out what I did or said to upset her so and didn't think to ask before she passed so it will remain a mystery.

That is the kind of stuff that drives me nuts... Things lkke that need to be resolved though.. they can become like that piece of food stuck in your teeth that becomes quite painful.

Lots of great posts and things i want to follow up on, but some merit a detailed response and I need to be quick. Yours is easy to reply quickly to, so here goes.
If I am in the kitchen, she simply feels she cannot be in there doing stuff that she needs to do. She doesn't want to interrupt, distract, make noise, etc. It's like she's "in my office" to her. So, even though I have said "if i need it to be quiet, I'll move, etc." it still makes her feel like she can't move about freely.
I think this feeling is rooted in two things. She is HIGHLY sensitive to external distractions herself. In a movie theater, where one can and must expect a bit of noise form someone eating popcorn or getting that last milk dud out of the box, these sounds really aggravate her. She doesn't say anything, but i can see her tense up. That's just one example. So in other words, if the roles were reversed and she were at her laptop working in the kitchen and I was going about things in there - it would drive her to distraction and she'd leave. I think to her it's inconceivable that I can work with her making the noise, asking me the occasional question ("did you get know your mother called..") and so on.
I also think something about it comes from childhood. While I never saw it while he was alive, her Dad apparently had an explosive temper, and would give everyone in the family the silent FU if he was pissed. And.....in the latter part of his career, he worked from home frequently (he was a lawyer). I can imagine a house with four teenagers got rather noisy, and him blowing up as he couldn't get peace and quiet to work.
Ha! So much for the short answer.

You are on your way.. I am in N. Va. too BTW..

I understand her reaction. You just need to parse her own words.

"What must you think of me to feel the need to apologize when I haven't complained about anything?"

She obviously interprets your preemptive apology as evidence that you automatically expect her to whine irrationally just because your working in her space annoys her. She feels the apology is condescending and expects to be treated like an adult.

I will just assume that you are both rational folks who normally get along as well as most married people do. If so, chalk this up to both of you having good intentions but a lack of communication has boiled over into hurt feelings.

I won't tell you what to do, but if this happened to me, I'd tell my wife that I was wrong to presume what she's thinking and it is condescending to her to apologize in anticipation of her starting an argument.

The problem with that is ... often with women.. you don't know what the right thing is.. The right thing on Monday at 6 AM may be the wrong thing on Thursday at 8 PM ... we all have seen this...

 

[FingerDub]

I would not set up in the kitchen.

EVER.

She wants the space; give her the space. Put down rugs; put a space heater there; wear warm clothes; whatever it takes.
.

You shouldn't have to be exiled into the dungeon in your own home especially under harsh conditions. She's supposed to be your wife not your slave master.

As for her emotions that's her problem, we all have emotions and you have to control them with who you deal with. I can be loving as much as possible, ultimately it's still up to her.

 

[yodedude2]

I think this feeling is rooted in two things. She is HIGHLY sensitive to external distractions herself. In a movie theater, where one can and must expect a bit of noise form someone eating popcorn or getting that last milk dud out of the box, these sounds really aggravate her. She doesn't say anything, but i can see her tense up. That's just one example.

that sounds like you are describing an introvert. is she comfortable in strange spaces with strange people, such as a sport event or a crowded shopping mall? does she seek out those types of experiences?

also, some folks are suggesting this is a territorial issue, i.e., who 'owns' the kitchen space. based on your description, it does not seem likely to me. this is about emotional space, not physical space.

 

[rendevouz]

Seems like the perfect moment to buy a new bass, that way you'll know one the reasons she's mad it won't help your issue, in fact it'll be worse, but you'll get a new bass




*Meant as comic relief I don't make myself responsible for taking this advice

 

[delta7fred]

That is the kind of stuff that drives me nuts... Things lkke that need to be resolved though.. they can become like that piece of food stuck in your teeth that becomes quite painful.

It drove me nuts but I had tried getting a resolution to things in the past and it never ended well, it was just stirring up the hornets nest.

What I did do was immediately apologise for anything I had said or not said or done or not done that had upset her so and left it at that. Any further communication was futile and strictly one way because she wasn't talking to me.

Your wife/S.O. is probably different, if they were all the same I'm sure someone would have figured them out by now.

 

[mellowinman]

You shouldn't have to be exiled into the dungeon in your own home especially under harsh conditions. She's supposed to be your wife not your slave master.

As for her emotions that's her problem, we all have emotions and you have to control them with who you deal with. I can be loving as much as possible, ultimately it's still up to her.

Disagree.

 

[Sav'nBass]

My wife of 27 years left me on Dec 16 of 2016 ... She was "in a different place" "had different needs" and had "moved on" ... but I get it ... I have since met a wonderful woman on FB.. who also happens to be my ex-wife's first cousin that i never met.. I knew her brother, her father and her sister (the cousin) but never met her in 27 years.. We met on FB.. when I was still married to her cousin actually .. but we did not talk much other than the routine stuff.. the same kind of stuff I spoke to her brother and sister about. Five months after my wife left we met face to face.. and have been an item since.. I am going to marry her in July.. go figure.. but women are all .. an enigma wrapped in a mystery..

 

[Downunderwonder]

It drove me nuts but I had tried getting a resolution to things in the past and it never ended well, it was just stirring up the hornets nest.

What I did do was immediately apologise for anything I had said or not said or done or not done that had upset her so and left it at that. Any further communication was futile and strictly one way because she wasn't talking to me.

Your wife/S.O. is probably different, if they were all the same I'm sure someone would have figured them out by now.

they ARE all the same, different any given minute.

 

[danesdad]

DO:
- all your work from the basement, despite the inconvenience.
- Let her do all the talking if this comes up.
- kick the kids out of the basement as long as you need it for a work area.

DONT:
- Try to argue (or even understand this) from a position of logic. It absolutely wont work.
- Try to make her understand your ability to work "distracted", when she cannot.
- Work in the kitchen again.


"Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. Yours is the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim". - James T. Kirk

 

[bolophonic]

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I have a lot of trouble working inside the house if my wife is working from home at the table. I guess I feel like I’m intruding on her space and that she (on some level) is cramping my style, which involves noisily building and organizing and blasting music and dragging things around. Fortunately, I have a huge list of projects outside that I can turn to, and my wife usually works upstairs and not at the table, so the friction is kept to a minimum. Good luck!

 

[Richland123]

We call that the "Terminal Stare" whereby somebody can say everything without saying a word just by their glaring looks.

The term came from a female character called "Terminal Stare" on the Pittsburgh, PA WIIC TV show called Chiller Theatre. That show had a very cool theme song, which was Al Caiola's version of Henry Mancini's "Experiment In Terror".

Here she is.