Can't win for losing (relationship content)

[JMacBass65]

So I have had the ability to work from home for a number of years now. Our house is not exactly set up for it, but I do have a space in the basement that works well, usually. Our basement sometimes is uncomfortably cold, even with a space heater - the floors stay cold. Add to that, my kids sometimes use the basement to hang with friends. As a result, I sometimes work at our kitchen table. I also will work at the kitchen table when it's a particularly nice day, as the view & natural light is better there.

Well - my wife REALLY doesn't like me working in the kitchen when she is home. She feels like she can't go about her business while I am there. I have reminded her that if she is doing is distracting to me I'll simply get up and move, or alternately, if I am in her way, I'll move. I have never been able to really pinpoint WHY it's an issue when I am there, but it is.

Anyway - today I was working in the kitchen while she was at work out of the house. Her work day ends middle of the afternoon. I was listening to an industry simulcast, so had headphones in, when she came home. I apologized for being in the kitchen, and explained that I was due to the temperature in the basement, and our son was planing to come home from school with a few friends.

Well - she completely bit my head off. It was the most bizarre thing. I won't get into the specifics, but at the end she said, with tears in her eyes "What must you think of me that you feel the need to apologize when I had not even said a word?"

I explained that she has made it clear her displeasure in the past, and I try to respect that. So felt it was the respectful thing to do by apologizing, and to explain why I was there.

At the end of the day, I know that she was crying because it DOES reflect on her. But again, I was trying to be respectful, and not make an issue of it. I though that better than sitting there and waiting for the occasional glare to come from her.

Ugh, WTH?

 

[bholder]

Can't help, a complete mystery to me as well (luckily haven't run into this with my current significant other). But been there, done that, and still wondering what I did. But clearly, you "invaded" her "turf".

 

[GrapeBass]

We need to understand that we will never, and I repeat, never understand women. That is all.

 

[FingerDub]

 

[jmattbassplaya]

From what you've shared, it sounds like she knows she was being unrational previously and you feeling a need to apologize for doing nothing wrong reinforces that feeling to her. She feels bad about it and she's letting those feelings out.

 

[Killed_by_Death]

It's as good as over when you can't even share space in your own home. It happened to me. The beginning of the end was when I set up my own separate space with my TV, computer, & surround sound system.
I even came in through a separate entrance & could go in & out w/o disturbing anyone.

 

[Jazz Ad]

You felt the need to apologize for sitting at a table of your own kitchen in your own house while doing actual work.
I can't make sense of this behavior and what led to it, no matter how hard I try but it can't be good.

 

[Funky Ghost]

Best advice.

Let it chill, but return to it when the heat has died down. Then simply ask to talk about it. My guess is there is more beneath the surface that needs to be aired.

Be a good listener, then make your point and go from there.

You know the drill Sometimes it just needs to be restated.

Marriage is always a work in progress.

 

[James Collins]

My experience with my wife is that when either of us are in a bad mood it really has nothing to do with the other person. She could have had a terrible day, have not slept the last night, or just be hungry. She may be interpreting your actions as you disliking her. For all you know, she came home and was going to try to make an effort to accommodate your work better, and she couldn't do anything right. You won't know until you can talk to her in a way that comes across as neutral. It sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you.

 

[shadowtippy]

I think I am the only husband in captivity to get in trouble for remembering our anniversary. My wife forgot it and I didn't. Sometimes a man can't win.

 

[Oddly]

Talk to each other.
Something like this can easily develop into a much bigger deal than it should.
It is so easy for signals to get misinterpreted, on both sides.


You might also consider selling your kids.

 

[delta7fred]

I have nothing to offer.

The way I view it is that women run a different operating system to men and that's all there is to it. They both perform the same basic functions but achieve them in completely different ways.

I came home from work one day in the middle of summer and there was a icy chill in the air, I ate my dinner and washed the dishes as I always did then went and sat and watched TV with my wife and waited for the inevitable storm but nothing happened, she didn't say a word all night.

In the end I asked what was wrong, "you know very well what's wrong" was all I got. I wracked my brain, what date is it, have I missed a birthday or anniversary, nope. Had I said or done anything that might have upset her, not that I could think of. I had no idea what I had done but whatever it was it was serious because she had never been like this before.

Over the next 3 days she gradually started to talking to me again, it was the weirdest 3 days of my life. I never did find out what I did or said to upset her so and didn't think to ask before she passed so it will remain a mystery.

 

[slobake]

^^^ What Oddly said.

 

[slobake]

I also know that sometimes I am really angry with my wife but deep down inside I know I shouldn't be. Still, I am really angry, so what do I do with that?
I usually just tell her the truth. Something like "I am really angry with you right now. I know that I probably shouldn't be and you haven't done anything to deserve it. I need some space to work this out."
She usually respects that and drops whatever it is. It wasn't always that way but we have been at this for 34 years so we have had a lot of practice.

 

[MJ5150]

I can see her angle that you imputed her unhappiness with you by voluntarily apologizing.
Give her some space, and then take some time out to ask her about her day without even mentioning you or your day. Listen attentively, and provide accommodation and validation as appropriate.
It may not be fixed in one day or session, maybe it will.

As someone who has worked from home for almost 10 years now, you really need to figure out that arrangement and designate a place where you will work and when.

-Mike

 

[JRA]

women do that. celebrate it. it's an event!

i have lived with them and without them. the loneliness of the one is far darker than the exasperation of the other.

good luck...in all that you do!

 

[FingerDub]

the loneliness of the one is far darker than the exasperation of the other.

Wise man you are, Sir.

 

[Clark Dark]

I was going to suggest going on your porch or patio but with those nor easter's heading that way consistently I digress...sheesh
Have you asked her why your using the kitchen bugs her?

 

[slobake]

Reminds me of the old 5-dimensional hyper-trolley conundrum.

 

[bluesblaster]

T'was ever thus........there are no definitive answers here , go along to get along I say