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Crazy Audition Stories

Cristo

Cristo

Jun 10, 2005
1,006
263
South Carolina, USA
#1
So I was playing with a guitarist/singer years ago, and we were looking for other musicians. A guy answers our ad - he was a guitarist as well, but we were thinking maybe we might try 2 guitars...

He has, in legend, become known as "Keith the Teeth", because his name was Keith, and his teeth were a dentist's nightmare (or dream if you think about the $$$ needed.)

Anyway, he shows up in like an old Pinto wagon or something similar, and it is LOADED TO THE CEILING. There was not an inch of free space besides the driver's seat. He brings in guitars, amps, cabs, cables, pedalboards, stands...at least three of everything you can think of. It took close to an hour for him to load and set up, and it looked like a Guitar Center. There was enough gear for five guitarists.

So then we started to jam. He stood there listening, with one of his guitars on, and occasionally he made a sound like "squawk" or maybe "freeeeeeenk," with some "gank!" added in from time to time. Then he might change guitars or amp and stomp a pedal. Still, just "gank!" or "wheeedle wheeedle wheeedle."

It was almost like the guy could not actually play a guitar at all...but surely he wouldn't just buy tons of gear that he can't play??????

We tried improvising jams, we tried 12 bar blues, we tried some of our originals, we tried easy covers. Nope. Didn't matter. Keith literally had a truckload of every kind of guitar gear imaginable, and knew how to set it all up, and could not play a single musical note.

What's your crazy audition story, either as an auditioner or an auditionee?
 
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#4
Been through my share of weird, but the best (worst?) was the guy that showed up, knowing the song list and then commenting that he didn't bring the right guitar for a certain song. He was an older guy and seemed a little feeble - he looked up at the ceiling fan in my living room and jumped back startled as if he were having some sort of helicopter flashback. The BL just dismissed him before we even played a single note together. I felt bad, but reality was he wasn't gonna fit, so no point in wasting anyone's time.
 
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#5
Cristo said:
So I was playing with a guitarist/singer years ago, and we were looking for other musicians. A guy answers our ad - he was a guitarist as well, but we were thinking maybe we might try 2 guitars...

He has, in legend, become known as "Keith the Teeth", because his name was Keith, and his teeth were a dentist's nightmare (or dream if you think about the $$$ needed.)

Anyway, he shows up in like an old Pinto wagon or something similar, and it is LOADED TO THE CEILING. There was not an inch of free space besides the driver's seat. He brings in guitars, amps, cabs, cables, pedalboards, stands...at least three of everything you can think of. It took close to an hour for him to load and set up, and it looked like a Guitar Center. There was enough gear for five guitarists.

So then we started to jam. He stood there listening, with one of his guitars on, and occasionally he made a sound like "squawk" or maybe "freeeeeeenk," with some "gank!" added in from time to time. Then he might change guitars or amp and stomp a pedal. Still, just "gank!" or "wheeedle wheeedle wheeedle."

It was almost like the guy could not actually play a guitar at all...but surely he wouldn't just buy tons of gear that he can't play??????

We tried improvising jams, we tried 12 bar blues, we tried some of our originals, we tried easy covers. Nope. Didn't matter. Keith literally had a truckload of every kind of guitar gear imaginable, and knew how to set it all up, and could not play a single musical note.

What's your crazy audition story, either as an auditioner or an auditionee?
Click to expand...
The original “Keith the Teeth”…
8D842684-1047-4DD2-9469-B362C91E1EF5.jpeg
 
#6
Your guitarist audition story sounds exactly like mine.

Guitarist shows up to audition with a ton of gear. Two guitars, a 100 watt tube head, two 4x12s, and a full pedal board.

He claimed to know how to play all the songs on the short list we gave him ahead of time, but that clearly wasn't true. We tried him out on three of the easiest songs we had but all he could do was make horrible noises come out of his rig. He had distortion, echo, reverb, chorus, phaser, and a bunch of other effects going on that were impossible to identify.

We convinced him to turn off everything except a small amount of overdrive and reverb to see if he could actually play proper notes and chords, but he was simply incapable of it. He couldn't have been any less competent if he had just picked up the guitar for the first time 5 minutes before walking in to our audition.

I told my bandmates to take a ten minute break so I could "interview" the guy alone (I didn't want to embarrass him in front of everybody). After they went outside to smoke, I thanked him for his time but said we wouldn't be using his services.

He looked both shocked and devastated, and then tried arguing with me. He thought that he had nailed the audition and couldn't believe that I was telling him no.

I've never seen a more blatant example of disconnect between level of talent and self perception of level of talent.
 
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#7
My last audition story: I showed up, played the 5 songs they asked me to play, and they offered me the job on the spot. Months later, I found out I was the 25th bassist they'd auditioned, and I was the only one who actually came in and played all the songs they'd requested. It's really true: 90% of success is showing up ready to play.
 
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#8
we used to have 'cattle calls' for some positions in some acts. we were auditioning for a singer --- who couldn't sing! --- but when he was told, "you just don't have the chops for this particular gig" he responded immediately: "maybe so, but i have the look that will drive the old ladies wild!" :wideyed:

:laugh:
 
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#9
We had a dude show up in a battered windowless Kidnapper Van. Nice white Guild SG, and...

...an elaborate two panel FX board with lots of cables. It produced one screech after another. Phaser swoops, more screeches, volume drop outs, etc. He could sing, though. Sang some Foreigner stuff like it was natural, no straining. But a complete mess otherwise.
 
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#11
chris1327 said:
weirdest thing i’ve ever seen a guy bring to an audition was his father, who sat in the back of the room and filmed the entire thing, which the poor guy bombed. that was painful
Click to expand...
I did a vocal audition with a band that had advertised on Craigslist and the ad had someone's name attached to it; I learned the songs and drove 40 minutes to a rehearsal in someone's garage and discovered that the name was the drummer's dad and the drummer was "name jr." Apparently the dad was an old school crusty musician (kinda like me) and he was organizing this for his son.

That band was actually pretty good, but the guitarist stood behind me the whole time smoking tobacco and the vibe was really weird. After about 45 minutes I decided I was done and I told them I had to go - the son chased behind me as I left and said "oh we'll call you." I was polite in the moment, but I never returned their calls.
 
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#12
A few weeks ago a "drummer" showed up to audition with us (acoustic guitar, upright bass and flute playing bossa nova and American Songbook classics).
He looked to be in his '80s (we're in our late '60s so, not being ageist here) but moved so slowly that we'd have to book an additional hour just for him to load in and set up.
The deal breaker for me was that he showed up with only a bass drum and a snare and some sticks and a big throne...no stands, no cymbals, nothing else. The snare sat on a chair.
We all soldiered through but I was adamant that he not be asked back.
 
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#13
hbarcat said:
Your guitarist audition story sounds exactly like mine.

Guitarist shows up to audition with a ton of gear. Two guitars, a 100 watt tube head, two 4x12s, and a full pedal board...
Click to expand...

Sounds eerily familiar, though my guy had a lot more gear. :D

I think there are just some folks who really like gear, and really want to be able to play it, but just don't put enough time into actually playing the gear.
 
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#14
Bunk McNulty said:
My last audition story: I showed up, played the 5 songs they asked me to play, and they offered me the job on the spot. Months later, I found out I was the 25th bassist they'd auditioned, and I was the only one who actually came in and played all the songs they'd requested. It's really true: 90% of success is showing up ready to play.
Click to expand...

25th?

Almost inconceivable. Wow, they have some patience. Glad you showed up!
 
#16
getrhythm said:
A few weeks ago a "drummer" showed up to audition with us (acoustic guitar, upright bass and flute playing bossa nova and American Songbook classics).
He looked to be in his '80s (we're in our late '60s so, not being ageist here) but moved so slowly that we'd have to book an additional hour just for him to load in and set up.
The deal breaker for me was that he showed up with only a bass drum and a snare and some sticks and a big throne...no stands, no cymbals, nothing else. The snare sat on a chair.
We all soldiered through but I was adamant that he not be asked back.
Click to expand...

Lol I had a similar one, but it was a college guy, not an old guy. We went to to jam and he had no cymbals or hihats. Ok for maybe one practice, but not gonna work long term for a 3 piece rock band. He had left them at home (like 45 miles away) but would bring them next weekend. No problem.

Next jam, no cymbals. Hmmm, well ok, but next time you have to have them. Really.

Next jam, still no cymbals.

So that was the final jam.
 
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#17
I was playing on a blues band and we were in need of a new guitarist.

Guy comes in with a massive amount of pedals on a stand, takes over 30 minutes of his 45 minute slot to put it all together. He's incredibly awkward, both socially and physically while doing it.

Finally has his signal chain working, we launch into some blues standard, and he starts making these weird Pink Floyd noises. Not good Gilmour noises, but more really weird Syd kinda noises.
We do another song, same thing.
Now his slot is up. Thanked him for coming and shooed him from the room. 30 minutes later, he gets his stuff packed away and departs.

Next guy in was a killer blues guy, we did one song, offered him the gig and he played with us for about a year.
But that's a different story.
 
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