1. Please take 30 seconds to register your free account to remove most ads, post topics, make friends, earn reward points at our store, and more!  

Criticize me?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by MurdocRocks, Mar 20, 2006.


  1. MurdocRocks

    MurdocRocks

    Jun 18, 2005
    Torrance, CA
    It's too late of me to make changes, but please criticize my essay as much as possible:

    In both 1992 and 2003, pop-star Michael Jackson was charged with allegation of molesting several young children. Both times, he was found innocent, though several jurors of his latter case stated that they believed he was guilty, but there was simply not enough evidence to declare him so. Lewis Carroll, author of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, is also thought to have molested young children also. While there is no definite proof for both of these theories, both don’t seem unrealistically impossible. But perhaps both were just enamored by young children and their innocence, and maybe they both believe that the world is a cruel place, full of selfish people with screwy logic. Carroll’s novels also help provide some insight into his mind, and also suggest themes of reason and logic in children, (through the main character Alice), while portraying adults as weird and twisted, with faulty judgment of the world.

    In Alice’s Adventure’s in Wonderland, the main antagonist, (if you can really say that there is an antagonist in this crazy, randomly ordered novel), the queen of hearts, exhibits the most violent nonsensical behavior. She is the monarch of all of Wonderland, and she rules without any mercy or contentment; “ The queen only had one way of settling difficulties, great or small. ‘Off with his head!’ she said, without even looking round,” (page 83). The queen, simply stated, is a tyrant, representing the power hungry irrational monarchs of England during his time. He could not directly oppose the monarchy, (for fear of capital punishment), so instead he did it through satire, similar to Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The possibilities are shown here, of what could happen when the wrong person is in control; the residents all live in fear of their leader, as she threatens them with execution constantly.

    The Duchess, who is under rule of the Queen of Hearts, also portrays a very peculiar character. In Alice’s first encounter with the Duchess, the Duchess tells her “You don’t know much, and that’s a fact,” (page 61). The Duchess is quick to label Alice and insults her intelligence several times when they meet; and as another adult in the story, she takes on another stereotypical persona. She shows how people are often ready to just make an assumption based on almost nothing about somebody. Yet ironically, later in the story she tells Alice “Right, as usual. What a clear way you have of putting things!” (page 88) right as Alice gets her released from prison. How predictable, yet how illogical the Duchess is, because as soon as Alice helps her out of trouble, she immediately admires Alice as though she were perfect. The Duchess lives in fear, like all the other residents, of the authority, but is quick to approve of someone who will oppose the authority without bringing any difficulty to their part.

    Is this book really a book about fantasy? With every character representing another flaw of humanity, albeit highly focused upon. But there is no escape rout for Alice throughout the entire story; she is forced to experience all the wacky stupidity and zany logic that the inhabitants of Wonderland have to offer. Well, there is the Cheshire Cat, who, rather than try to fix the idiocy, he just accepts it. “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad,” (page 65); could this be Carroll’s solution to Wonderland and the Looking Glass Land? Alice never really solves any of the characters problems; so just accepting the madness might be her best option. And this same idea applies to the real world, seeing how the imaginary worlds simply mirror reality in it’s weird ways, (The Looking Glass Land literally does mirror reality, it’s in the mirror).

    Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland concludes by a stroke of luck. Just as soon as the madness begins to engulf Alice, she simply wakes up. However, the sequel actually has a more logical (yet entirely illogical) conclusion; Alice decides to conform and use the faulty reasoning that the inhabitants use. Alice essentially gives up and follows the weird ways of the world when she exclaims “ I’ll shake you into a kitten, that I will!”(page 234). There was no way of beating them, so Alice just joined them; doing so brought her back into her world, where she would have to do the same, conforming to the rules of society.

    Lewis Carroll shows all sorts of examples of characters, who make you think ‘That really doesn’t make sense at all,’ until you see things the way that they see them. These two novels do seem like a psychedelic romp through random points and arbitrary ideas, but they really do express opinion of a faulty society… through a psychedelic romp through random points and arbitrary ideas. The way all of his thought is presented is unique and original in it’s delivery, and all in all is a well thought out, ridiculously structured story.
     
  2. Route? Looks like rout is a word (Wikipedia'd it), but I don't know if it applies here. :p .

    I liked it, and thought it did a good job of summing up the book, in an amusing way. Maybe that was just because it was an amusing book. "Psychadelic romp.." is a good phrase, and I know what you were going for in repeating it, but it seemed a bit too long with words a bit to "big" to justify doing so. OTOH I am by no means in any position to declare right or wrong, just what I thought. I also enjoyed the intro with Jackson, bringing things into perspective. Good job!
     
  3. Unless you are word-counting, it is the sign of a good writer to be absolutely ruthless in editing.

    "and also"; "in other words";"for what it is worth" etc etc should always be cut.

    re-read your essay, dropping any word that isn't essential to the idea you are trying to get across. Try to find one word that replaces two.

    Be extremely aware of redundant words:

    "the most unique"
    "the first original"
    etc.

    You cannot be the most unique. Uniqueness suggests singularity.

    I have only surveyed your first paragraph here but it often pays to collect some stats on your work.

    In the first paragraph:
    the word "both" appears 6 times.
    the word "also" appears 4 times.

    Good luck with your results.
     
  4. Ericman197

    Ericman197

    Feb 23, 2004
    Iowa
    What grade level is this for? There are some major grammatical and stylistic errors that wouldn't fly in a college paper. If this is for high school, you might get away with it. For example:

    is also thought to have molested young children also.

    But perhaps both were just enamored by young children and their innocence, and maybe they both believe that the world is a cruel place, full of selfish people with screwy logic (be strong when developing a thesis, and I don't like some of the adjectives)

    Lots of (parenthesis)

    She is the monarch of all of Wonderland, and she rules without any mercy or contentment; “ The queen only had one way of settling difficulties, great or small. ‘Off with his head!’ she said, without even looking round,” (page 83) [this quote feels "plopped," that is to say you didn't introduce it properly. Usually you want to have some sort of lead in phrase within the same sentence. The semicolon indicates that you have two seperate and complete thoughts; usually one would expect to find the lead in phrase flowing directly into the quote, perhaps with a, comma. Also, watch out for saying "she" too many times. He or she that grades your paper may not appreciate the overuse of he and she.

    “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad,” (page 65); could this be Carroll’s solution to Wonderland and the Looking Glass Land? [Parenthetical citations go at the end of the sentence (65). You may be expected to put the author's name in the (), but the word "page" is unusual. For MLA I am usually just required to do something like this: According to Donkeykong Jr., throwing barrels is a statistically proven method to obtain princesses (Kong, 34) or (Kong 34). Sometimes for Turabian, Chicago or whatever you throw in superscripts, and for other formats like ACS or APA you have to put the author's last name in ()]

    Lewis Carroll shows all sorts of examples of characters, who make you think ‘That really doesn’t make sense at all,’ until you see things the way that they see them. (Try to avoid second person in a formal paper)

    original in it’s delivery: Avoid contractions in formal writing. Rather, write: it is. As it can be inferred that what you really meant is its, I can let you off with just a typo warning. Remember: when you write it's, you're saying it is, when most likely it isn't. If you want to say the dog wags his tail in the IT tense, it would be its.

    In Alice’s Adventure’s in Wonderland, the main antagonist, (if you can really say that there is an antagonist in this crazy, randomly ordered novel), the queen of hearts, exhibits the most violent nonsensical behavior. [You, in your writing, happened to use, what some of us, those in the business, refer to as, run on sentences. This sentence, for instance, is a little clumsy to the average reader. I know, we're all guilty of the cardinal sin of comma abuse, but I just wanted to throw that out there]

    Anyway, I've seen much worse. I'm not even a great writer myself; in fact, most of the above I just sort of made up. But it sounds right. Anyway, the level of help you need really depends on your age. If you're under 16 I'd say you're doing very well. If you're between 16 and 18, I'd say mediocre. If you're over 18, you might want to pay more attention to grammar, punctuation, blah balbha blahblahblahbahblablhbalhba
     
  5. Vorago

    Vorago (((o)))

    Jul 17, 2003
    Antwerp, Belgium
    Crappy construction imo, didn't read the rest.
     
  6. Turock

    Turock Supporting Member

    Apr 30, 2000
    Melnibone
    A defendant is found to be either "guilty" or "not guilty".
     
  7. Your paper sucks. You used Michael Jackson as a point of reference.

    :D

    Rock on
    Eric
     
  8. canopener

    canopener

    Sep 15, 2003
    Isle of Lucy
    Yup, good advice here. Read your paper out loud. You'll hear all of the awkward parts, bad grammar, etc.
     
  9. Remove every set of parentheses you have there, except (of course) those which surround page numbers. Never ever use them unless there is no other way. In most cases, a parenthetical remark should just be between commas. If I were to rewrite my first sentence I would use commas: "...there, except, of course, those...." I only used parentheses so I could refer back to it here. In reality, the "of course" would probably get cut too.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.