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Dating a girl with baggage
- Thread starter Gorn
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I tend to over analyse everything and am always aware of how the influences in my SO's life will affect me; most of the lessons were learned the hard way. If her father is a good person and their relationship is/has been good then I wouldn't worry about the situation you described. I would be concerned if she has allot of strained relations or if she speaks down about her friends/family often. It's easy to catch somebody at a challenging point in their life and decide to walk away. If you are worried more because you are comfortable where you are right now and do not want to disrupt it for a number of years (that was my 30's) then that is telling; but if you are more concerned with how her family troubles may affect a future relationship with her then you may be seeing more there. These are only 2 examples, of course.
If I may offer this... I ask myself: Do I like how my life is when I am with the other person (this is big because I am a champion of being alone) and I also take attention if we are seeing and doing new things together instead of showing each other around our regular lives. The second aspect is hazier because allot of early dating is establishing each other's current circle of influence but the thought or willingness to do new things with the other is important (I would argue it is especially important in this modern world with the abundance of information and influence that there is.)
If I may offer this... I ask myself: Do I like how my life is when I am with the other person (this is big because I am a champion of being alone) and I also take attention if we are seeing and doing new things together instead of showing each other around our regular lives. The second aspect is hazier because allot of early dating is establishing each other's current circle of influence but the thought or willingness to do new things with the other is important (I would argue it is especially important in this modern world with the abundance of information and influence that there is.)
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Hi Gorn,
As other's have said, we all have baggage. It's just a matter of how both parties cope with their own baggage and their SO's baggage. From what you've presented, I think there are some warning signs, but not necessarily show stoppers.
My advice to anyone is dating someone is fine, but take your time before getting too serious. Everyone I've known who was pressured or rushed into marriage after dating a short time has ended up with a crappy marriage.
As other's have said, we all have baggage. It's just a matter of how both parties cope with their own baggage and their SO's baggage. From what you've presented, I think there are some warning signs, but not necessarily show stoppers.
My advice to anyone is dating someone is fine, but take your time before getting too serious. Everyone I've known who was pressured or rushed into marriage after dating a short time has ended up with a crappy marriage.
It seems that all the single women I meet don't just have baggage; they have a whole set of luggage.
If she's a swell chick, go for it. Cancer sucks, but it affects many of us at some point in our lives, whether personally or a close family member or friend. Bipolar is manageable with medications and help. The high school dropout girl may just have never been motivated or found something to be interested in.
I didn't finish high school until 6 years after I should have graduated. I put off one single course which they eventually let me do online. Now, I've got heaps of tech certifications, a job I love, and the prospect of pursuing mechanical engineering at no cost to me. When I was young, I just didn't have anything to be motivated about. Very few people are innately broken. Some just need more glue.
My family has plenty of baggage, as does my girlfriend's. We've supported each other right through it and it was invaluable to have someone with me in some of those times.
I didn't finish high school until 6 years after I should have graduated. I put off one single course which they eventually let me do online. Now, I've got heaps of tech certifications, a job I love, and the prospect of pursuing mechanical engineering at no cost to me. When I was young, I just didn't have anything to be motivated about. Very few people are innately broken. Some just need more glue.
My family has plenty of baggage, as does my girlfriend's. We've supported each other right through it and it was invaluable to have someone with me in some of those times.
@Gorn this is more than baggage.
Baggage is emotional (to me).
This is impossible.
1) Dating a sister of a co-worker breaks my grandfather's #1 rule. "Don't $#!t where you eat." If your relationship ends, you are still seeing the sister every day. Awkward at best. If you guys have an argument, your business follows you to work.
2) If she is the bread winner of that household, how exactly would she ever be able to leave? Do YOU want to live in that house? Because she is NEVER going to move out. She will feel as though she is abandoning her family. If she had to choose between you and them it'll be them. So YOU will be left with the choice of moving into that madhouse or trying to force her to abandon a sick father, a mentally ill mother and a kid on the crash and burn path.
No, this isn't baggage. Her last boyfriend being a heavy drinker is baggage. This is a life unmistakably committed to being the only saving grace of a crap storm. You dive in and it's your crap storm too.
Unfortunately, she wants to have it all (as evidenced by the fact that she still lives there at 32). She want to try to be the rock for her family and still somehow have a "normal" marriage and family of her own.
Impossible. The bipolar mom alone would make me run for the hills. Even the BEST mother-in-laws can be a hassle. You know as well as I do she won't fall into the "best" category.
Good luck with your decision.
Baggage is emotional (to me).
This is impossible.
1) Dating a sister of a co-worker breaks my grandfather's #1 rule. "Don't $#!t where you eat." If your relationship ends, you are still seeing the sister every day. Awkward at best. If you guys have an argument, your business follows you to work.
2) If she is the bread winner of that household, how exactly would she ever be able to leave? Do YOU want to live in that house? Because she is NEVER going to move out. She will feel as though she is abandoning her family. If she had to choose between you and them it'll be them. So YOU will be left with the choice of moving into that madhouse or trying to force her to abandon a sick father, a mentally ill mother and a kid on the crash and burn path.
No, this isn't baggage. Her last boyfriend being a heavy drinker is baggage. This is a life unmistakably committed to being the only saving grace of a crap storm. You dive in and it's your crap storm too.
Unfortunately, she wants to have it all (as evidenced by the fact that she still lives there at 32). She want to try to be the rock for her family and still somehow have a "normal" marriage and family of her own.
Impossible. The bipolar mom alone would make me run for the hills. Even the BEST mother-in-laws can be a hassle. You know as well as I do she won't fall into the "best" category.
Good luck with your decision.
I may have been unclear but I'm not currently dating her. I've been out with her a few times with groups. I'm fairly sure she'd say yes if I asked her out. But I won't. Too much trouble.
slobake
resident ... something
First, I'm surprised I even have to say it: no pics, no coworker's sister.
Second, why not ask her out just once? She sounds like someone who could use a little kindness in her life. Take her to see a play or something. You have a nice evening together, and if nothing else happens, fine.
Second, why not ask her out just once? She sounds like someone who could use a little kindness in her life. Take her to see a play or something. You have a nice evening together, and if nothing else happens, fine.
The whole family has cell phones. All under her name. Her family plan. Her sister/my co worker pays her share but sometimes the sister can't pay the whole thing. More than once theor service has been shut off. So let's say she has a boyfriend? What's supposed to happen there? The boyfriend says oh well and emails her for a few days till she gets the dough? It's a minor little thing but it's an example of a problem that would potentially become mine if we were a couple.
Everyone has baggage. That said, I would be forming an escape plan if I was looking at THAT much baggage. What you described sounds like a lot of guaranteed drama.
Stay away...If it becomes serious, you will eventually be supporting her household financially and you will regret it.
Unless you make a lot of cash and your cool with that.
Unless you make a lot of cash and your cool with that.
Everyone's got baggage.. Sounds like you aren't in it to win it so just pull out before things get uncomfortable.. for you.
Or you could do her a favor and not waste her time.
Or you could do her a favor and not waste her time.
I can only add from personal experience: that's the downside to how people go about relationships these days - they can't commit until much older and only settle when it's already getting late. I honestly don't know where this came from, but it's spread to all of the Western world. People seem to think you have to shag around for decades and scrutinize every little detail of whoever you happen to be dating and almost find relief when they finally find something (most often - very minor and insignificant) to break up about and move on to the next one. Then one day they wake up and realize it's too late and they try to grab any branch of the tree they're falling from. Of course, by this time literally everyone has baggage. Personal - from all the "relationships" - just as much as family, as is your case.
I met my wife when I was... 18, I think. We married at 22. I'm 28 now. My son was born 4 months ago. We were young, no baggage and the best part - we get to face all the challenges together as we grow. Neither of us had baggage. We certainly will. But it is ours now. Could I have found a reason not to marry her? Plenty! She certainly had even more (not least the fact I spend waaay too much money on gear
). But we were wiser than that - people generally hate other people, it's in our nature. If I want, I can find so much justification for not being with someone - friends, loved one, family. But it's a dead end.
So OP - nothing much I can offer, BUT to anyone who is still young and shaging about - think about your life. Maybe the person you're currently with isn't so bad? You don't have to keep looking. Open your eyes instead. Don't be scared of making a "wrong choice" or be pressured. There's no such thing. Whoever you find, absolutely anyone - you will still have to adapt to each other very much and every single day. Marriage or any kind of serious long-term relationship is MORE about you, than it is about her.
My 2 cents
P.S. Just to be clear: we're not religiously or ethnically special to have gotten married so "early". We were your everyday college students. No high morals
P.P.S. My work gives me the opportunity to meet a lot of people of many ages. I've yet to meet someone who is sincerely happy about choosing career (and they're very successful!) over family. Everyone ends up regretting it later on. Their career then becomes their trap. You can always combine the two. We did it, despite the challenges.
I met my wife when I was... 18, I think. We married at 22. I'm 28 now. My son was born 4 months ago. We were young, no baggage and the best part - we get to face all the challenges together as we grow. Neither of us had baggage. We certainly will. But it is ours now. Could I have found a reason not to marry her? Plenty! She certainly had even more (not least the fact I spend waaay too much money on gear
). But we were wiser than that - people generally hate other people, it's in our nature. If I want, I can find so much justification for not being with someone - friends, loved one, family. But it's a dead end.So OP - nothing much I can offer, BUT to anyone who is still young and shaging about - think about your life. Maybe the person you're currently with isn't so bad? You don't have to keep looking. Open your eyes instead. Don't be scared of making a "wrong choice" or be pressured. There's no such thing. Whoever you find, absolutely anyone - you will still have to adapt to each other very much and every single day. Marriage or any kind of serious long-term relationship is MORE about you, than it is about her.
My 2 cents
P.S. Just to be clear: we're not religiously or ethnically special to have gotten married so "early". We were your everyday college students. No high morals
P.P.S. My work gives me the opportunity to meet a lot of people of many ages. I've yet to meet someone who is sincerely happy about choosing career (and they're very successful!) over family. Everyone ends up regretting it later on. Their career then becomes their trap. You can always combine the two. We did it, despite the challenges.
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