Dating a girl with baggage

[StyleOverShow]

Everybody has a past!

You may be the key to their success, AND, just a likely they may help you along the emotional path.

Nothing there or too many problems, move on politely.

 

[JRA]

baggage? big whup! (IMO: expertly casting stones makes you an expert....at casting stones!) posters: your value judgements about this woman --- you can't possibly know --- are killing me.

does she have teeth? can she read? speak in complete sentences if she wants?

we know that she works, cares for a family, she's good-looking, resourceful..... and how does anyone know that she can't 'rescue' this poor slob* from his lonely, daily, torturous hell?



*nothing personal, gorn, i'm making my point. i am the poor slob in my own experience! thanks for your understanding!

 

[slobake]

we know that she works, cares for a family, she's good-looking, resourceful..... and how does anyone know that she can't 'rescue' this poor slob* from his lonely, daily, torturous hell?

She has enough problems already.

 

[JRA]

She has enough problems already.

funny!

 

[Mike N]

Thoughts?

Run.

 

[dbsfgyd1]

She's my coworker's sister. She's pretty, smart, funny, has a job, a good sense of humor, stuff in common with me, and we get along. All good things.

The problem is her family. She's 32 and basically the breadwinner of a house with her parents and two younger sisters. The dad is in and out of the hospital with cancer. The mom is bipolar. One sister is my co worker, the other is a soon to be high school drop out and general disaster of a teenage human.

So, I don't see how I can make this happen without making her problems my problems. I'm 34 and she's 32. 32 year old girls aren't looking for something fun and casual. The biological clock is ticking. And I know from her sister that she's looking for something serious.

She's cool. We've hung out. It would be nice to be in a relationship with her...but all that baggage. It's not going away any time soon. If we become anything it's not like I can't be involved. Not if it's an all-in relationshippy relationship. I don't know. Thoughts?

My advice: FLEE!!! As fast as you can get your carcass moving, FLEE! Run Forest run!!! My son is going through hell with the effects of marrying a girl from a disfunctional family.

 

[2saddleslab]

I would not intentionally walk into that situation.

 

[charlie monroe]

It could be the most emotionally uplifting and important experience of your life.

But I wouldn't bet on it.

 

[kartiste]

Depends. Can she carry the baggage by herself, or does she need help? How much help? A trailer? A U-Haul van? Not being flip, just metaphorical. You decide.

 

[basscooker]

From your posts so far, it seems to me you have designs for the two of you already. There will not be just the two of you for many many years if you do get involved with her emotionally.

There is nothing necessarily wrong with looking into dating her, IMO. She will have limited free time to do so.... GOOD! This will give you the time to decide if you LIKE her or if you like HER, big difference.

Like @pacojas noted, if it's more that she makes your motor hum and her life seems impossible, just say it, tell her. Some busy people just prefer their version of dating to be FWB and nothing serious... what little time they have should be an escape from their heavy daily life. My thoughts.

 

[Indiana Mike]

When you date Elly May you also date the Clampents. Package deal

 

[Joe Nerve]

I had a friend who was marrying a girl with lots of issues. He said, and I quote, "She's got lots of baggage. She needs help in carrying it, and I want to be there to do that." They're happily married now for about 10 years with 2 beautiful children.

Not saying it's what you should do, but everyone has baggage. It's how they deal with it.

The only think I'd keep a real keen eye out for is if she has any drinking, drugging or addiction problems of her own. That for me would be a complete and instant deal breaker as there really is no winning in that game, unless they're willing to get help, immediately. Before the relationship even begins.

 

[mikewalker]

2 cents: if you have any compassion for your (potential) future children - or your future self ! - do not choose a life partner that was raised by a dysfunctional family.

 

[mellowinman]

I'm 54. If I met a woman without baggage, I would be very, very suspicious of what she's hiding.

Look, just date women you like, and see what happens. Have rules. When a woman is more trouble than pleasure, I tend to move on. They can still be my friend, if they want. A majority of women I have dated are still my friends. Lighten up while you still can.*

*may be a song lyric...

 

[Groove Doctor]

Too much for me. I like simple.

Can you live with those issues??

 

[easyj]

You rattled off a list of problems. You already know there are a bunch of things you don’t want to deal with. That speaks volumes. I will suggest that you do not lie to yourself about this situation.

Was Mom bipolar when she met Dad or did that problem manifest later? If your friend was raised by a bipolar mother, you are going to deal with a lot because of it. If it manifested with age, will that happen to your friend also? She is her mother’s daughter.

Mom and a sister have real issues. Are your friend and her other sister without them? I would suggest that the family issues you see now are the tip of the iceberg. What you are seeing now is the good part of it.

She cute and she is fun. Big deal. You are describing every girl I ever dated. How about considering the possibility of hanging out with a cute and fun girl who comes from a functional family and has a few things going for her so she can help you build a better life, together?

If you are going to get involved with a girl, keep in mind that the decision of who you get involved with will affect your entire life. You can make a really smart decision and have a great life or be short-sighted, ignore all the warning signs, and have a train wreck.

Young Man, you know the answer to this one.

PM me if you ever want to chat.

 

[Bubble]

Yea, everyone in every relationship has problems. I would be more surprised to find a mate with no complications than with some or many. And if I were to start into a partnership with little complications now, there will probably be some surprises. And not expecting those surprises can lead to another lost love heart break.
There is some hope the problems at the start can be fixed by a competent manager of the household. Then it's off to find new problems to complain of.
Besides, this stuff is the heart and seed of most songs.

Oh my father in law's a gangster
and mother in law's in jail.
My new wife has a lover,
and I'm headin off to hell.

See what I mean, just made it up.

 

[twinjet]

She's my coworker's sister. She's pretty, smart, funny, has a job, a good sense of humor, stuff in common with me, and we get along. All good things.

The problem is her family. She's 32 and basically the breadwinner of a house with her parents and two younger sisters. The dad is in and out of the hospital with cancer. The mom is bipolar. One sister is my co worker, the other is a soon to be high school drop out and general disaster of a teenage human.

So, I don't see how I can make this happen without making her problems my problems. I'm 34 and she's 32. 32 year old girls aren't looking for something fun and casual. The biological clock is ticking. And I know from her sister that she's looking for something serious.

She's cool. We've hung out. It would be nice to be in a relationship with her...but all that baggage. It's not going away any time soon. If we become anything it's not like I can't be involved. Not if it's an all-in relationshippy relationship. I don't know. Thoughts?

Thoughts? You're in NYC. Those are my thoughts. Look around some more. My wife has a ton of family poopie that goes on, but because of our close (1000+ mi.) proximity, we always seem unable (unwilling) to deal with it and we get excluded (saved) from the poopie.

Move along, Gorn, there're plenty more singles (or otherwise) around. You don't want to get dragged down into that life. It begins to weigh on you and your prospective partner. Good luck.

 

[Yango]

Yes, her problems WILL be your problems.

Question us, are you up for it?

 

[twinjet]

The problem is her family.
Nothing for nothing, but you aren't dating her family.

True to a point, IME. Depends on how involved the family becomes and how much their say matters to her. Some time ago, Mrs twinjet became convinced a relationship with me was a bad idea, thanks to her aunt. Once she broke it off, she was miserable. One, two, skip a few, 99-100 and bam, I wifed her and she's happy as can be. Naturally, aunt loves me to death now.

So, I don't see how I can make this happen without making her problems my problems.
You would be dating her, not marrying her. But then again, if you have to ask a forum, just don't do it!

See above, add a side order of freedom to GTFO whenever.