Hi Pete, I guess I left out a lot of details from this story on purpose. I didn't want the story is about technical details as much as dealing with personality conflicts, people that blow you off or muck things up through incompetence, and how to deal with it. I think the thing I've come away with is that if you're going to gig, you're going to have to suck-it-up and smile through all sorts of things going wrong... no matter what. Kind of like life.
It's interesting to get people's takes and it's allowed me to get all sorts of perspectives, which will be helpful in the future. As for my example, I'm pretty sure that the promoter who paid me peanuts to open the show likely hired said sound gal (a fact that I deliberately left out) and paid her peanuts to run the board. Whether she knew what she was doing or not, she definitely wasn't paying attention to me or the board during my set. Looking at the email I wrote the promoter a year ago, it mentions that she left the kick drum on MUTE for the first 20 minutes. (FYI, I'm a bit of an unusual act. I've play electric guitar, vocals, harmonica overtop kick drum and snare that I play standing up with my heels. Sometimes I add low end using a Boss OC3 on poly mode, laying down a bass line with my thumb. I didn't do that at this gig.) As I'm only one guy putting out a lot of sound, muting the kick for 20 minutes would be on par with muting a DI'd bass for twenty minutes in a regular band... completely killed the low end.
Part of this is technical for sure. The other part was that the sound person didn't really care about their contribution, at least not for my portion of the show (that's definitely the vibe I got). They put in a minimal effort, didn't really have time to communicate, and seemed more interested in other things than running the board. Once again, their pay was likely minimal like mine. For what it's worth, I tried to do most of the things that people have mentioned to make things idiot-proof. I offered to use my rack mixer as a stage box and my own mics that were already gain-staged to my setup so the FOH could just connect to the DI outputs and still have control over every channel and I could monitor with my IEMs... but I think that idea seemed like quantum physics to them.
Always a learning experience. Feels like I learned a lot by getting responses on this forum as well.