I believe this might be part of the problem. When we scoop the mids or do "smiley" EQ, we are removing the frequencies that are important to the mix. So we overcompensate by turning up the volume (and many people manage to blow speakers this way). I went for years using scoops, contours, and smiley EQ's and always complaining that no matter how big my rig got, I couldn't hear it well enough. Then I came here and someone said to try putting those mids back in. Yes, the sound is kinda honky on its own, but when it blends with the rest of the band, it sounds good and you can actually hear it. Since then, I've never had a problem being heard and people in the audience whose opinion I could rely on said it sounds great.
That said, it might not be the problem I described, but it certainly warrants looking into either by having someone record the band, or get someone who knows what they are talking about listening to you in the audience and giving you feedback.
+1000 to the above. A generall rule of thumb is that if you like the tone 3 feet from your amp, the audience won't hear it, or it will be muddy. You really do need to dial down the bass and crank up the mids-it may sound thin and honky to you, but you have to remember that the room itself will amply the low end of your signal. This is true in recordings to. If you were to solo a huge, butt shaking bass track, you might be amazed how thin and scratchy it is. Some amps do midrange better than other and that may be an issue with your current rig as well.
I am a huge lover of 12's, as they add more midrange, but still have some guts to them. However, you can't have just one. You really need two twelves. Since you like a modern sound, the Shuttle 6.0 plus 2 x Aguilar Gs112's would be a perfect rig (not cheap though). I used a very similar rig for years, in a pretty loud band, and never had problems.
Good luck! Welcome to bass. Being a bass player is all about spending years and thousands of dollars trying to find the perfect amp/cabs/strings/bass/effects/etc-the music is totally secondary
