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General Joke thread

DelsFan

DelsFan

Nov 18, 2007
41
0
Alabamian, living in Belgium
#1
I've seen threads for "guitard" jokes, etc. but not one for music jokes in general. Hopefully this thread will not be redundant.

One I heard a while back, touring with Elvis' original guitarist and drummer (Scotty Moore and DJ Fontana):

How do you define perfect pitch?

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.

.

.

.

.

.

Perfect pitch is when you throw your banjo into the dumpster...

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.

.

.

and it hits an accordian!
 
#9
For me, the best instrumentalist-related jokes are about viola players, although it's unfair to me that such a cool instrument be so overlooked, but the jokes are funny anyway:

- Why the violas can't be heard in a symphony orchestra's recording? Because the first thing that engineers do is removing annoying noises.

- A classified ad: Viola from the 18th century for sale. Totally new from the 5th position and up.

- How does a violist practice a trill?: Playing "Für Elise" intro.

- A viola player from a small town in middle Europe found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, a genius appears and tells him that he'll make three wishes come true.

"Oh! For the first one, I want to be the best violist in my orchestra". In fact, next day all of his mates and the director were amazed with his skills. He inmediately became the viola leader of his orchestra.

"For the second, I want to be the best viola player in the world!". Next day, he was the viola leader of the Berlin Philharmoniker and gave concerts around the world as the most recognized soloist.

"For the third wish... I don't know... I've accomplished so many things... OK, genius: I want something superior to all the things I've done. I can't think of anything, so you decide. Just something even better." "OK", said the genius. Next day, he was back in his town, playing in his old orchestra's last desk of 2nd violins.
 
#10
GREAT LIES OF THE MUSIC BUSINESS

1. The booking is definite.

2. Your check's in the mail.

3. We can fix it in the mix.

4. This is the best dope you've ever had.

5. The show starts at eight sharp.

6. My agent will take care of it.

7. I'm sure it will work.

8. Your tickets are at the door.

9. It sounds in tune to me.

10. Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall.

11. I know your mic is on.

12. I checked it myself.

13. The roadie took care of it.

14. She'll be backstage after the show.

15. Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo.

16. The stage mix sounds just like the program mix.

17. It's the hottest pickup I could get.

18. The club will provide the PA and lights.

19. I really love the band.

20. We'll have it ready by tonight.

21. We'll have lunch sometime.

22. If it breaks, we'll fix it for free.

23. We'll let you know.

24. I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. It was on the rocks long before I ever met you.

25. The place was packed.

26. We'll have you back next week.

27. Don't worry, you'll be the headliner.

28. It's on the truck.

29. My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album.

30. Someone will be there early to let you in.

31. I've only been playing for a year.

32. I've been playing for 20 years.

33. We'll have flyers printed tomorrow.

34. I'm with the band.

35. The band drinks free.

36. You'll get your cut tonight.

37. We'll supply someone for the door.

38. You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car.

39. There'll be lots of roadies when you get there.

40. It's totally compatible with your current program.

41. You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck.

42. This is one of Jimi's old Strats.

43. We'll definitely come to the gig.

44. You can depend on me.
 
#13
i mostly have orchestral jokes. sorry...

what's the difference between a bassoon and an oboe?
bassoon burns longer

how do you tune two oboes?
shoot one

how many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
one. they hold up the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

how many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
eightteen. one to hold up the bulb, the other seventeen to drink until the room spins.

what's the definition of a perfect gentleman?
someone who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't.
 
#14
A married couple comes to see a Psychiatrist (i think i spelled it right...)

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Wife: "Doctor, We've been married for a long time, And after years of being together,We don't talk to each other anymore"

Doctor: "Hmmm, Ok, Take a sit and we will try to make a conversation"

The couple is sitting on the couch in front of the doctor in silence.
The Doctor tries to encourage them to talk to each other but nothing happens.
After a while the Doctor is standing up and pulls out a bass guitar, He goes in to a crazy bass solo.
Suddenly the couple start talking and engaging in deep conversation.
After 10 minutes the Doctor puts the bass down and sitting in front of the couple.

Wife: "Oh my god, Doctor, I can't believe it, for the first time in years we had a real conversation. I don't know how to thank you, How did you make it happen?"

Doctor: "That's ok, Everybody talks during a bass solo"
 
#15
Messiah25 said:
A married couple comes to see a Psychiatrist (i think i spelled it right...)

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Wife: "Doctor, We've been married for a long time, And after years of being together,We don't talk to each other anymore"

Doctor: "Hmmm, Ok, Take a sit and we will try to make a conversation"

The couple is sitting on the couch in front of the doctor in silence.
The Doctor tries to encourage them to talk to each other but nothing happens.
After a while the Doctor is standing up and pulls out a bass guitar, He goes in to a crazy bass solo.
Suddenly the couple start talking and engaging in deep conversation.
After 10 minutes the Doctor puts the bass down and sitting in front of the couple.

Wife: "Oh my god, Doctor, I can't believe it, for the first time in years we had a real conversation. I don't know how to thank you, How did you make it happen?"

Doctor: "That's ok, Everybody talks during a bass solo"
Click to expand...

told this joke last night to the keys player between songs at the christmas service. he had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.
 
#19
So there are these five viola players in an orchestra. The conductor for the orchestra, however, is unable to conduct at next week's performance, so one of the violists is picked to substitute for him. So the violist practices and practices and practices all week, and at the performance he does great. In fact he's even asked to sub for next week too, and he does so, and conducts successfully that performance too.

Eventually, the old conductor comes back, and the violist goes back to his original spot in the orchestra, with the rest of the violists. When he arrives, the other violists ask, "Where've you been?"
 

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