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General Joke thread
- Thread starter DelsFan
- Start date
A guitard walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "That's really cool, where'd you get it?"
"Guitar Center" replied the parrot
"Guitar Center" replied the parrot
I've seen that video... I wanted to die after that! Jeez, that was by far the most disgusting thing ever! 
A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth
under the baton of Milton Katims...
At this point, you must understand two things:
(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't
have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from
the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly
lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the
street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple
rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully
embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first
place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I
tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets
down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he
waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little
tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their
conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were
loaded.
under the baton of Milton Katims...
At this point, you must understand two things:
(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't
have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from
the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly
lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the
street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple
rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully
embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first
place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I
tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets
down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he
waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little
tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their
conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were
loaded.
A conductor received really harsh critique after a concert. The conductor was so angry he shot one of the critics of a major newspaper, he got caught and was to receive a death penalty by electric chair. He was placed in the chair, and the guards pulled the lever, but nothing happened, the guards checked everything and everything seemed to be fine and working, but yet they couldn't get the chair to work...
...because he wasn't much of a conductor.
...because he wasn't much of a conductor.
I decided to try out my three basses against each other yesterday. The first bass was fat and juicy, but I quickly proceeded to the second, which was more full.
But I gotta tell you, when I came to 3rd bass, I was in heaven!
But I gotta tell you, when I came to 3rd bass, I was in heaven!
Theory joke:
What's an inverted VI9 chord?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That's where the root of the bass is in the mouth of the soprano
Thank you, Randy Hoexter
What's an inverted VI9 chord?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That's where the root of the bass is in the mouth of the soprano
Thank you, Randy Hoexter
so it seems a guitarist a bassist and a keyboard player die in a car crash
all 3 arive at heaven and are promtly let in and shown round after which god takes them to one side and points to a red cloud in the middle of heaven
"you see that cloud there" says god
"dont EVER stand on that cloud the punishment for doing so is very very severe" he warns
anyway next day the keyboard player and the guitarist are walking along when they glance over at the red cloud
there in full naked glory is the bass player having sex with a repulsivly fat and ugly woman
"what on earth are you doing?!!" shouts the keyboard player
"i dont know" utters the bassist
"i was just walking along when i slipped and fell on the red cloud next thing i know this thing is on the end of me and i cant stop!!"
the two leave him to it the next day the bassist and the guitarist are walking along when they see the keyboard player on the red cloud with an even fatter and uglier bird
"ew what are you doing with her?" asks the guitarist
"i wasnt looking where i was going i must of stepped on the red cloud she appeared out of nowhere i cant stop help!!" replies the destressed keyboard player
the day after the bass player and the keyboardist are walking along when they see the guitarist on the red cloud but this time he has a drop dead gorgeous woman with blonde hair and big boobs bouncing up and down on top of him
the two look at each other in shock
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU END UP WITH HER?!!" screams the bass player clearly confused and jealous
the guitarist looks back over at the bass player with a big grin on his face, winks and says
"SHE stood on the red cloud,"
all 3 arive at heaven and are promtly let in and shown round after which god takes them to one side and points to a red cloud in the middle of heaven
"you see that cloud there" says god
"dont EVER stand on that cloud the punishment for doing so is very very severe" he warns
anyway next day the keyboard player and the guitarist are walking along when they glance over at the red cloud
there in full naked glory is the bass player having sex with a repulsivly fat and ugly woman
"what on earth are you doing?!!" shouts the keyboard player
"i dont know" utters the bassist
"i was just walking along when i slipped and fell on the red cloud next thing i know this thing is on the end of me and i cant stop!!"
the two leave him to it the next day the bassist and the guitarist are walking along when they see the keyboard player on the red cloud with an even fatter and uglier bird
"ew what are you doing with her?" asks the guitarist
"i wasnt looking where i was going i must of stepped on the red cloud she appeared out of nowhere i cant stop help!!" replies the destressed keyboard player
the day after the bass player and the keyboardist are walking along when they see the guitarist on the red cloud but this time he has a drop dead gorgeous woman with blonde hair and big boobs bouncing up and down on top of him
the two look at each other in shock
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU END UP WITH HER?!!" screams the bass player clearly confused and jealous
the guitarist looks back over at the bass player with a big grin on his face, winks and says
"SHE stood on the red cloud,"
- Dec 21, 2007
- 15,222
- 45,000
- Disclosures
- Lark in the Morning Instructional Videos; Audix Microphones
What's the least common sentance in the English language?
"Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
"Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
"What's the similarity
between playing a really good bass line and wetting
yourself?
You get a nice warm feeling, but no-one really
notices!".
between playing a really good bass line and wetting
yourself?
You get a nice warm feeling, but no-one really
notices!".
A band is playing a show at a really seedy, run-down bar near the oceanfront. The rhythm guitarist breaks a string, one of the really tiny ones, and plays the rest of the song without it. During the last couple of measures of the song, the bass player (while holding down the bassline with just his fretting hand) opens his case and pulls out a new string, along with clippers and quick-tune thingie.
The guitarist hands his guitar off to the bassist, who quickly changes, tunes, and clips the leftover string, and hands it back to the guitarist, all during the less-than-a-minute drum/sample intro to the next song.
The guitarist makes a joke about "his" bassist/roadie, and then forgets the opening to the next song.
The guitarist hands his guitar off to the bassist, who quickly changes, tunes, and clips the leftover string, and hands it back to the guitarist, all during the less-than-a-minute drum/sample intro to the next song.
The guitarist makes a joke about "his" bassist/roadie, and then forgets the opening to the next song.
an accordion player drives into town and parks his car, leaving his most prized squeeze-box on the back seat.
on his way back to the car, an hour later, he sees that the side window is smashed.
fearing the worst he runs toward the car and looks inside
there's now two accordions
on his way back to the car, an hour later, he sees that the side window is smashed.
fearing the worst he runs toward the car and looks inside
there's now two accordions
- Dec 21, 2007
- 15,222
- 45,000
- Disclosures
- Lark in the Morning Instructional Videos; Audix Microphones
Q. What's "perfect pitch"?
A. When you throw a banjo into the dumpster and it lands on an accordian.
Q. What's the difference between an accordian and a trampline?
A. Most people take their shoes off before they jump on a trampoline.
Q. What's the first way you know that the guy knocking at your door is a drummer?
A. The knocking keeps getting faster and faster...
Q. What's the second way you know that the guy knocking at your door is a drummer?
A. He doesn't know when to come in!
