Guitarist had breakdown today

[DrSpunkwater]

He's working a bunch as a substitute janitor in public schools.

Apparently he wants to buy a ring and ask his girlfriend of 5 years (I think) to marry him, but judging by her attitude toward him most of the time I've seen them together, I don't think it's a relationship that's going to last. Usually she's frustrated with him some way or another, and from what I've seen, she doesn't seem happy. It's a "going through the motions" type of thing, if that makes any sense. One time, she told me she wished he were more like me because he doesn't stand up for himself enough. I told her that it's okay to wish he were more like me.

Maybe their relationship is different than what I've seen. But I can't imagine it's any better in private.

 

[pushbuttonfour]

to be frank, dude, you sounded way more assholish than he did... I mean, I get that this kinda thing is really annoying, but you didn't have to come right out of the box and call him a pussy and stuff. At least he was being straightforward and apologetic. But I guess, if this kind of thing has been happening for a while, I can see how your response would be justified.

As for his decision: yeah, completely lame. I would honestly find a new guitarist if you plan on gigging soon; it's clear music is not this guy's first priority. Heck, not even his fifth or sixth, as it seems. Guitarists are a dime a dozen anyway

 

[Mystic Michael]

Today he texts me the following:

You had a dialogue as important as this one...via text???

Why? What's wrong with face to face? Is this really the way it's done these days?

Is the guy simply too cowardly to say these things to your face? Why would you not insist upon a sit-down meeting for something like this? I'm figuring you must be about 18 years old or so....

I just don't get it...

MM

 

[DrSpunkwater]

to be frank, dude, you sounded way more assholish than he did... I mean, I get that this kinda thing is really annoying, but you didn't have to come right out of the box and call him a pussy and stuff. At least he was being straightforward and apologetic. But I guess, if this kind of thing has been happening for a while, I can see how your response would be justified.

As for his decision: yeah, completely lame. I would honestly find a new guitarist if you plan on gigging soon; it's clear music is not this guy's first priority. Heck, not even his fifth or sixth, as it seems. Guitarists are a dime a dozen anyway

Let me be clear: This isn't an isolated incident. This sort of thing has been going on since I started pushing earlier in the year for us to get off our asses and get out there because I've had my fill of "jamming," and it's reached its climax within the past couple of weeks with a lot of whining about work, not having time to do anything, and saying he's not in any hurry.

I get not wanting to be in a hurry. But holding out for a drummer 2 1/2 hours away? That's ridiculous.

From your responses...he's made the right call...All I hear coming from you is bullying...hence my comment about "more to this that we don't know"...He may just want to get away from you and this was the right opportunity...

What you call bullying, I call leadership. When you make a commitment and then back out the day before, you best be prepared to hear about it. Truth be told, I restrained myself from berating him more than I did, because I try to maintain some level of professionalism. I don't do motivational talks, and I don't want to hear endless whining. You have a job to do, and if you have personal business to handle then take care of it, but we still have work to do. If you can't handle the job, I'll find someone who can.

Either they get better, or they have to go. Guitarists aren't hard to find.

 

[DrSpunkwater]

You had a dialogue as important as this one...via text???

Why? What's wrong with face to face? Is this really the way it's done these days?

Is the guy simply too cowardly to say these things to your face? Why would you not insist upon a sit-down meeting for something like this? I'm figuring you must be about 18 years old or so....

I just don't get it...

MM

OP says he's 23 and I'm 26.

Face to face is lovely, but he sent me a flurry of texts while he was at work, and I doubt he would have agreed to face-to-face anyhow.

Besides which, texting saved me some gas money. There's my silver lining.

 

[pushbuttonfour]

Let me be clear: This isn't an isolated incident. This sort of thing has been going on since I started pushing earlier in the year for us to get off our asses and get out there because I've had my fill of "jamming," and it's reached its climax within the past couple of weeks with a lot of whining about work, not having time to do anything, and saying he's not in any hurry.

I was suspecting that. Yeah, I always try to be completely calm and maybe a little too nice with my bandmates, cuz I want them to feel welcome and not risk quitting or losing motivation. I think I'm sometimes a little too spineless. It sounds like this guy needed a wake up call. I can see how there was no room for coddling his dead weight.

 

[pushbuttonfour]

You had a dialogue as important as this one...via text???

Why? What's wrong with face to face? Is this really the way it's done these days?

Is the guy simply too cowardly to say these things to your face? Why would you not insist upon a sit-down meeting for something like this? I'm figuring you must be about 18 years old or so....

I just don't get it...

MM

For better or for worse, this is pretty much the status quo with the new generation. Real face to face? Nah, we got FaceTime! It's the exact same thing! But for what its worth, texting lets you plan out what you will say more precisely so you don't accidentally strike a wrong chord or anything. But that shouldn't really be a big deal with anyone who's... well, socially satisfactory

 

[DrSpunkwater]

I was suspecting that. Yeah, I always try to be completely calm and maybe a little too nice with my bandmates, cuz I want them to feel welcome and not risk quitting or losing motivation. I think I'm sometimes a little too spineless. It sounds like this guy needed a wake up call. I can see how there was no room for coddling his dead weight.

Exactly. I try to be calm and understanding, but when it's the same thing from the same person again and again, it becomes frustrating. I take no pleasure calling one of my best buddies a pussy, but if the shoe fits, it fits.

It's incredibly disappointing to do that to someone who claimed he had a real hunger for making music.

 

[blue4]

Exactly. I try to be calm and understanding, but when it's the same thing from the same person again and again, it becomes frustrating. I take no pleasure calling one of my best buddies a pussy, but if the shoe fits, it fits.

It's incredibly disappointing to do that to someone who claimed he had a real hunger for making music.

Maybe he just doesn't want to make music with you. Calling your "best buddy" a pussy is neither being a friend or a leader. Sorry I can't agree with you.

 

[smeet]

Sorry Dr S., I have no sympathy for you. You were acting like a bully and I'm surprised your "friend" took it as well as he did. I've also had friends who as it turned out weren't as into music as I was. I accepted it and our friendships continued. It sounds to me like you should have gotten the message long ago - he wants to be your friend, but he doesn't want to play music. He doesn't want to disappoint you, but he stepped up and told you so. Yes, it was too late and by text, but as you said, this wasn't the first time. He's been trying to get out of this commitment for a while. Either he hasnt been clear, or you haven't been listening.

 

[SnowCal]

Your guitarist had a meltdown? Nah. You're the one having a meltdown. Your guitarist straight-up told you that he's got other priorities that make gigging unrealistic but would still like to jam if you're into that. So you're blaming him for having a life and for not being delusional enough to think that gigging in a bar band will make him somebody. And you're blaming him for holding you back. Dude, you've been jamming with this guy for a year. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me for a whole year?

His priorities are a lot different than yours. You've known this for awhile. So stop blaming him and get to doing what you should have been doing a year ago: finding musicians with similar goals.

 

[paulears]

Two things pop up here. Communication between you has been very poor - before the text too and fro. I suspect the clues were there and you didn't pick up, and his decision to not gig was the end of the road for him. Perhaps he was scared by the workload, the pressure and expectation. His language (and ignoring the 'dude' comments, which I always thought were movie caricatures of California residents along with 'cool man' and 'far out') suggests he's not unintelligent, and he gave you the early chop him option. If somebody gives this option, it's their escape clause. None of this should have been a surprise. If it was, you didn't read him properly.

The drummer? He called him a douche bag? Is there a problem with the drummer, has the drummer and this guy not gelled at all?

It's best he goes of course, because later would have been worse, but you need to re-examine your own behaviour and how it can be perceived. Are you fair? Did you give him too high a workload? So much potential in a band for disputes, running one is not easy. If you don't make sure what and how you do things are ok to newbies, the problem could repeat?

 

[SquierJazz72]

Perhaps you could have(IMO) handled a couple aspects of that better, but I realize you have probably become frustrated over time. But it seems like he's been dropping the hint for a while, in his own way. Some people are just not good at backing out strongly and /or verbally, either from shyness, fear, or that desire to not let someone else down.

So the best(and obvious) thing to do is just let him go as a committed member and find those who are ready for what you are.

I have no problem with jam bands, as long as it's stated and agreed up front, but we all know problems start when peoples' goals are too divergent(especially if communication is lacking).

 

[guy n. cognito]

The guitarist's decision after a year is lame. The only drama I see, however, was created by you. You seem to think yourself some sort of leader, but real leaders don't exhibit the traits you've shown in this thread.

 

[James_E]

Dude tells him the night before a drummer audition that he hasn't learned the tunes, doesn't want to do the saturday audition... and he's supposed to be all nice and supportive? F that. The other guy is the one being an ass, not the OP. This conversation would have been very different had it occurred a week before the OP spent all week getting songs ready for this. OP had every right to call the guy out. Sure a few things could have been said a bit differently, but hindsight is 20/20. Regarding calling him a pussy... I can call my best friend a pussy when he's being one... then we discuss and get over it... as we all should. Good friends call each other on their crap, deal with it, and move on.

 

[remainthesame]

Just go your separate ways. If you want to jam casually with him thats great but somebody who tells you "i have other things in my life going on" isn't going to see the band as a big priority. In my experience, those people dont usually change their mindset.

I don't know about you, but for me music comes first. It comes before family, friends, food, etc... So it's kind of hard for me to jam with people who "have other things" But then again, I never just do a casual jam with my buddies. I usually try to make every project a serious one.

Theres plenty of musicians who can take his place, and even some who wouldnt need that full week you provided to learn the songs. But when i read your dialogue i noticed that you said you love him so im assuming hes a close friend, dont ruin what you guys have. Keep hanging out and jamming a couple tunes here or there and who knows, but i would seriously start looking for another project.

 

[ChrisB2]

What you call bullying, I call leadership.

Nah. Leaders are defined by the fact that they have followers. Since this guy was the only other member of the group, and did not follow you, you are not/were not leading.

I guess thinking you were being the leader is a way to make yourself feel better about your overly-aggressive behavior toward your "friend."

 

[Salamenster]

With this:

Me: "Dude. Stop being a pussy."

And this:

Me: "I don't know what's going on, but you need to get your head on straight if you want to be somebody."

I lost my respect for you. The guy doesn't want to do gigs. Big deal. Yeah, you wasted a year, but he doesn't mind you getting on with other project to get out and play. He just wants to jam sometimes and be friends...

So yeah, let's call him 'A pussy that needs to man up'. That'll definitely solve the problem and will surely reward his honesty and willingness to stay friends... Very mature!

EDIT: And this I stand behind:

The guitarist's decision after a year is lame. The only drama I see, however, was created by you. You seem to think yourself some sort of leader, but real leaders don't exhibit the traits you've shown in this thread.

I once had a drummer that backed out of the band TWO DAYS before our FIRST show, after a lot of practicing and managing! Of course I was mad at start, but I didn't get all 'Don't back out, pussy'. I accepted it, because she also said that she had 'things going on in her life'.

A while later it turned out that she was getting intensive therapy in a mental health clinic, because of suicidal tendencies. Calling her a pussy would most likely have pushed her over the cliff.

 

[Vertigo Jones]

Well since the OP put it out there....it sounds like the guitar player isn't the one that's being jerky here. He just essentially said that he's not able to commit to being in a band with the OP and the OP went all Biff on him. Guitar players are easy to replace so what's the big deal?
I would have went ahead and rehearsed and maybe got something going with the drummer anyway -since they're a lot harder to find.

 

[GlennW]

I don't know about you, but for me music comes first. It comes before family, friends, food, etc...

Looks to me like music comes second for you, after self-indulgence.