Guitarist had breakdown today

[sloasdaylight]

Calling a guy a pussy because he doesn't want to play covers in bars is a pretty Dick move, imo. If you've been playing with a guy for a year, and are just now seeing that his priorities are different from yours, there's your problem. The guy told you to pursue what you wanted to do with other musicians, so I don't know why you reacted the way you did.

Besides which, this isn't a "leadership" situation. You're not leading anything; you're a bass player that has been playing with a guitar player for a year and are looking for a drummer. Beyond that, there was no reason to cancel the drummer's audition unless you think a drummer and a bass player can't play together without a guitarist. If nothing else you could at least met up with the guy and discussed things/got to know each other to see if your personalities mesh well enough to even be in a band together.

Long story short, most of this, if not all of it, was caused by you and your attempt at "leadership."

 

[Vertigo Jones]

Exactly. I try to be calm and understanding, but when it's the same thing from the same person again and again, it becomes frustrating.

Signs, signs, everywhere is signs....this says he's been telling you he's been disinterested for a while now.

It's incredibly disappointing to do that to someone who claimed he had a real hunger for making music.

Maybe he does have that hunger -just not with you? Just trying to shed light on the other guy's perspective.

 

[soitainly]

I don't call people names in an online forum, but I have to really hold back this time. DrSpunkwater, you are just wrong, and should be ashamed of yourself. Regardless of the guitar players faults, you are using the situation to bully and belittle your friend, rather than either being sympathetic and helpful.

I am not saying your guitarist is right. He should be able to play 5 songs if you have been working on them for a year. He should be able to learn 5 songs in a week if he agreed to do so. BUT, he obviously has real life problems to deal with and you call him a pussy for dropping the ball. If he doesn't have the qualities you are looking for in a bandmate, drop him, don't try and bully him into something he isn't. It sounds like you have no respect for him as a person or musician, and actively let him know that. Again, I am not saying the guitarist is doing the right thing, but your attitude towards him is just caustic.

It sounds like all along that he doesn't really have the ambitions that you have. You need to move on from the situation. Sorry for being so direct and blunt, but in this case I can't see beating around the bush and saying it's all ok and will work out.

 

[Nate thegreat]

With this:

And this:


I lost my respect for you. The guy doesn't want to do gigs. Big deal. Yeah, you wasted a year, but he doesn't mind you getting on with other project to get out and play. He just wants to jam sometimes and be friends...

So yeah, let's call him 'A pussy that needs to man up'. That'll definitely solve the problem and will surely reward his honesty and willingness to stay friends... Very mature!

EDIT: And this I stand behind:


I once had a drummer that backed out of the band TWO DAYS before our FIRST show, after a lot of practicing and managing! Of course I was mad at start, but I didn't get all 'Don't back out, pussy'. I accepted it, because she also said that she had 'things going on in her life'.

A while later it turned out that she was getting intensive therapy in a mental health clinic, because of suicidal tendencies. Calling her a pussy would most likely have pushed her over the cliff.

AMEN!!!! The guy needs to chill out maaan

 

[Bassdirty]

The dude doesn't want to play out yet...if he feels he's not ready, he's probably not ready...you trying to shame him into playing by calling him a pussy is not cool. I respect him for being up front and telling you he's not ready, instead of trying to play gigs and train wrecking every song...

Anyways I get the feeling there's more to this story we don't know.

+1

yeah..he shlda known the songs after makin comminment..and after playin together so long.

but YOU(op) pushed him into meltdown..YOU called him names...this was all your doin imo.

but..sounds like it was time to move on anyway.

 

[SquierJazz72]

Dude tells him the night before a drummer audition that he hasn't learned the tunes, doesn't want to do the saturday audition... and he's supposed to be all nice and supportive? F that.

I'll agree that I don't think that's cool, but I wont judge either side too harshly, as it seems like it's been coming for a while.

One guy made a commitment then didn't, in the end, want to carry through. Perhaps he should have been more assertive and backed out whenever he realized he really didn't want to be out there.

But the OP says he's noticed this kind of behavior for a while. Perhaps he should have called him on it at an earlier point, and when he realized their goals were no longer the same, gone looking for a more gig oriented guitarist.

As you say, hindsight is 20/20, but(as I see it) mistakes have been made on both sides, leading to this particular confrontation, when it could have been avoided at an earlier point.

 

[Mystic Michael]

For better or for worse, this is pretty much the status quo with the new generation. Real face to face? Nah, we got FaceTime! It's the exact same thing! But for what its worth, texting lets you plan out what you will say more precisely so you don't accidentally strike a wrong chord or anything. But that shouldn't really be a big deal with anyone who's... well, socially satisfactory

Ya got that right. A lot of twenty-somethings - and even older - are so continually tethered to their iPhones & their Androids, i.e. habitually texting, Twittering, posting to Facebook, etc. that they don't even perceive the outside world going on around them.

You couldn't hold a sustained conversation with them if you tried. The moment the d@mn phone goes off - and it goes off constantly - it's as if you no longer even exist. If they've got an attention span of even 30 seconds, consider yourself fortunate. To many of them, 30 seconds is an eternity!



MM

 

[FunkHead]

@ OP> I would have just said ok. The guys head is in a different place right now. Then tell him you are going to pursue other options. Name calling and such is just burning the bridge behind you. I left a start-up band to join the band I'm in now because it just wasn't happening. It was the best move I ever made. I am still friends with the Drummer & guitarist from the other band. I left on good terms and I was 100% honest with them. The problem was finding a singer and an overall difference in musical tastes. There are established bands around looking for a bass player that can cut it. That's what I looked for and I found it. I'm not saying that start-ups don't work. They do but there needs to be equal commitment, talent and enthusiasm for it to work.

 

[1958Bassman]

Let me be clear: This isn't an isolated incident. This sort of thing has been going on since I started pushing earlier in the year for us to get off our asses and get out there because I've had my fill of "jamming," and it's reached its climax within the past couple of weeks with a lot of whining about work, not having time to do anything, and saying he's not in any hurry.

I get not wanting to be in a hurry. But holding out for a drummer 2 1/2 hours away? That's ridiculous.

What you call bullying, I call leadership. When you make a commitment and then back out the day before, you best be prepared to hear about it. Truth be told, I restrained myself from berating him more than I did, because I try to maintain some level of professionalism. I don't do motivational talks, and I don't want to hear endless whining. You have a job to do, and if you have personal business to handle then take care of it, but we still have work to do. If you can't handle the job, I'll find someone who can.

Either they get better, or they have to go. Guitarists aren't hard to find.

Leadership doesn't require name-calling. Just an FYI.

Also, telling others how awesome you are is pretty weak.

 

[Thick McRunfast]

If nobody is following your lead you aren't a leader. You're alone

 

[Bassist4Eris]

These things happen more frequently than you might think. I'm betting this was his first attempt at a band, and maybe yours too. Once people find out how much work it really is, they often get cold feet. Once you start gigging, *you* may get cold feet. However:

Dude tells him the night before a drummer audition that he hasn't learned the tunes, doesn't want to do the saturday audition... and he's supposed to be all nice and supportive? F that. The other guy is the one being an ass, not the OP. This conversation would have been very different had it occurred a week before the OP spent all week getting songs ready for this. OP had every right to call the guy out.

+1 (emphasis added). But there are two things I will put squarely on the OP's shoulders:

One, why did you put up with this guy for a whole year? He didn't waste a year of your life, you wasted it yourself on a poor decision. In your own words:

Let me be clear: This isn't an isolated incident. This sort of thing has been going on since I started pushing earlier in the year......Guitarists aren't hard to find.

Two, since MysticMichael beat me to it....

You had a dialogue as important as this one...via text???

...I'll simply elaborate: Texts are a great tool when you want to contact your whole band with one message, something like, "Yo, can you play Joe's Tavern on the 15th?" They are the worst imaginable form of communication for a dialogue like the one you were having. Face-to-face is best, but when impractical, a phone conversation is the way to go. In most cases, if you can text someone, you can call them. Tone of voice plays a big role in communication. Perhaps more importantly, texting allows you to avoid dealing with whatever the other person is saying to you. It's much easier to tune out (or misinterpret) some words on a screen than it is to tune out a friend's voice, with its emotional shadings. When you can simply blast your point of view at someone over and over without having to stop and listen to what they are saying, no actual communication takes place.

 

[morgansterne]

Insisting on a bandmate who is 2.5 hours away? I doubt spunkwater's guitarist friend (eh, former friend maybe) ever had any intention of actually playing out. I'd be p.o.'d and call people a few names if they wasted a year of my time.

I'd still apologize to the guy for name calling but I'd encourage him to go out and perform. Getting out and embarrassing yourself a few times (or, a lot of times) is a prerequisite to being good.

 

[GlennW]

I'd be p.o.'d and call people a few names if they wasted a year of my time.

I know where you're coming from, and have been in similar situations myself.

But the truth is, there were plenty of clues, and the OP (and I) disregarded them. Who's fault is that? The OP's, and mine.

It's just that simple. People allow other people to waste their time, and then get huffy about it when deep down they know good and well they knew what was going on and let it continue. People will willingly hang in a futile situation in hopes that the other people will change. Won't happen.

The ****suckers wasted my time!

Yeah, but I let them.

 

[3star2nr]

Poor kid is scared do a couple open miss that will help

 

[DethByDoom]

Yeah... Good luck "getting out there" and finding band mates willing to deal with your rude & pushy attitude. If a musical partnership doesn't work out it doesn't work out. You can end it without burning it down and salting the earth. YOU escalated that really fast and for no reason.

 

[pacojas]

Poor kid is scared do a couple open miss that will help

+1

 

[tmdazed]

agreeing to auditioning a new drummer then hissy fitting because its his way or the highway is a pussy move, OP was well within his rights to voice his opinion. Kick this guy to the curb, guitar players are easy to replace, a good drummer is not

 

[Blueinred]

OP must not do mornings.

Love this group therapy, though. We should start a reality show or soap opera. So many shrinks, so little time.

They're both guilty of things, but I hope they stick out the friendship. It's worth it 99.999% of the time. Every one of us has something good to add to this world, regardless of personality. "What don't kill us, only makes us stronger."

 

[Lee Moses]

Yeah... Good luck "getting out there" and finding band mates willing to deal with your rude & pushy attitude. If a musical partnership doesn't work out it doesn't work out. You can end it without burning it down and salting the earth. YOU escalated that really fast and for no reason.

I've been in bands in times long past that would have conversations like this about every other week. And then the next week we would get along just fine. I hardly see it as "burning it down and salting the earth." I would probably have a much harder time having a drama queen like you for a bandmate than having the O.P. for a bandmate.

 

[sean_on_bass]

Just wanted to chime in and say OP was being a jerk and his guitar buddy just isn't that serious about being in a band. Nothing wrong with that. The end.