Happily Ever After?

[slobake]

Yesterday, Mrs. slo and I were sitting in the front row of a fairly large gathering. We are friends with the speaker and when he started talking about marriage we lost it and started laughing hysterically to the point that we interrupted the meeting and the speaker took time to explain what Mrs. slo and I were laughing about.
Our friend was talking about people who want to get married and/or have a relationship thinking that will solve all their problems and they will live happily ever after. Most of us know that only happens in fairy tales but there may be some of that belief still lingering in our thoughts. I know when I was single, I believed it was true. I remembering listening to a Bob Dylan song where he sang "Have a bunch of kids that call me Pa, that must be what it's all about" and yearning for a mate.
Of course when you do get involved with someone it is a whole different story. Having a relationship did not solve all my problems, in fact it made my life more complicated.
I am not down on marriage or relationships, mine has been amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. It has also been painful and a lot of work at times but it has really helped me to grow as a person and it still does. Now, I have someone in my life who isn't afraid to point out my shortcomings so I can work on them.
The fact remains that getting married did not solve all my problems and it is not the true source of my happiness. Thinking that way puts way too much pressure on my wife and on myself as well.
All this got me to thinking about other things I thought might make my life complete. I remember believing that if I could just get that 1949 Chevy half ton pickup I would be cool and it would make me happy. I did get the truck but after that I needed something else to make me complete. A new bass or amp? A house? More friends? Sex, Drugs and/or alcohol, Fame?
All that stuff has one thing in common. As soon as I get them (or sometime after) I need something else. Stuff, will never be the true source of my joy but only leaves me hungry for more.
So, that leaves me asking what is the source of my contentment? I'm not saying . I will say that it is an inside job and each of us has to find out what that is or spend our life wanting more. Can't say I do this perfectly but when I do catch myself thinking that someone or something is going help me live happily ever after, I turn around and come back to reality.
Does anyone else here on T.B every contemplate these things?

 

[Winslow]

Contemplate? Yes. Figure out the answers? Nope.

The best thing I ever heard about marriage, and the only thing I tell younger friends & family going into it, is that the journey is not undertaken with the two participants facing each other, gazing into each other's eyes; It's done hand in hand, both facing forward, and moving in the same direction. But everyone's gotta walk it for themselves, so that's as far as I go.

Personally, I'm a lucky barstige: I got married later in life than was typical for my peers, but I'm glad I held out, because I found the right gal for me, and we've hung in together through all kinds of nonsense. Can't think of anyone else I'd rather be with.

Congrats on having a good one!

 

[Gorn]

It solves problems between two single people as much as having a kid solves problems for a couple.

 

[slobake]

It solves problems between two single people as much as having a kid solves problems for a couple.

Very true. Some couples think having kids will solve their marriage woes. It doesn't, in fact it can make a difficult marriage even more complicated.
It is also too much pressure on our kids to base our happiness on their success.

 

[Gorn]

Very true. Some couples think having kids will solve their marriage woes. It doesn't, in fact it can make a difficult marriage even more complicated.
It is also too much pressure on our kids to base our happiness on their success.

My friend's marriage started falling apart about a year ago. Their first kid is three now. They decided a second kid would fix things right up. It's been great for our friendship at least. We spend more time together than we have since before he met her. Too bad for the kids though.

 

[MJ5150]

It wasn't till I got into my early 40's that I realized stuff/things/possessions were not key for me to enjoy a satisfying life.
I do believe being married to the person I am has contributed to my satisfying life and will continue to do so as long as I walk this earth with her. If she was no longer my wife, I am sure I would find a way to continue on, but it would be challenging for me to put the pieces back together and carry on the satisfying life I enjoy now.

-Mike

 

[Bassball Fever]

I agree with this sentiment. There is no one thing, one person, one idea that can make me whole. I am always going to want more. I'm ok with that. I was married to the wrong person for 17 years, but now I found the right one. I'm getting married in December, and I am not expecting any of my problems to go away. However, I am now a part of a team that will face everything together.

To piggy-back on @Winslow 's idea, I think in a good marriage the couple will face some things hand in hand, some back to back, some with one carrying the other, some with the other doing the carrying, and any other manner that can get them through what they are facing.

 

[S-Bigbottom]

I'm getting married in December

Invalid Link Removed

 

[hrodbert696]

Absolutely agree that marriage is no "happily ever after" fairy tale and I don't know any married person who would say it is.

I still wouldn't give mine up for anything, though.

The thing about marriage is that dedicating yourself to a partnership with another person, that intimately, forces you to look hard at yourself, and either deal with things... or not. Whatever your flaws are, whatever your immaturity, your self-deception, your little bits of selfishness or whatever - all the stuff that you can sweep under the rug or not worry about when you're single, get thrown in your face when you're married. That's a hard thing, but in the long run it's a good thing. It pushes you to grow and mature and become a better person with more appreciation of life than you otherwise would have.

Of course, in some cases, it's a strain that people aren't prepared to handle. There's no formula or guarantee to make it work. You just have to do it. It isn't for everybody, and I'm sure there are ways to grow and mature other than the pressure-cooker of a marriage. But it's definitely powerfully transformative.

Plus, may as well say it, married people get laid more than single people. There's a cliche out there that marriage means "game over," but the studies show the opposite - or rather, precisely because you're no longer "gaming," there's much more satisfaction to be had. No more going home alone because they decided not to invite you up to the apartment after a date. It's a great thing to know that you don't have to keep impressing the other person, you don't have to compete with somebody else who's also trying to take them home, that they're still going to be in your bed tomorrow and next week, and that maybe the earth will move tonight but if it doesn't, there will be fireworks the day after tomorrow, so it's OK.

 

[TheDirtyLowDown]

Ok, so if we're getting philosophical here, I'll point out one thing that
has helped and is helping me think about contentment is Stoic philosophy.
Wikipedia summarizes it far better than I could, so here goes:

"Stoicism is a philosophy of personal ethics informed by its system of logic and its views on the natural world. According to its teachings, as social beings, the path to eudaimonia (happiness) for humans is found in accepting the moment as it presents itself, by not allowing oneself to be controlled by the desire for pleasure or fear of pain, by using one's mind to understand the world and to do one's part in nature's plan, and by working together and treating others fairly and justly."​

As a practice it flourished during times of political instability and unrest; its concept of conscience impacted early Christianity, and although it is difficult in practice, especially for folks like me that struggle with anxiety, it can help answer the kinds of questions you are asking. Marcus Aurelius wrote "The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength." and I think that's especially important now. To learn more, take a look at https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Stoic-Ancient-Philosophy/dp/0465097952 ...

Whew -- I hope that's not too heavy a response; I hope it helps!

 

[S-Bigbottom]

when he started talking about marriage we lost it and started laughing hysterically to the point that we interrupted the meeting

Myself and The Wife almost interrupted a church service recently because we were laughing so much about a marriage topic.

The topic was about divorce and it was taken very serious. At one point Pastor says "some get divorced for reasons like she feeds me rotten food." and we both loose it.

I am trying not to make a spectacle and did not want to walk out as I will be on stage in a few minutes playing the Bass, but we could not help it. We were as quite as we can in this quite room, our shoulders are clearly bouncing up and down from internal giggling for the rest of the service. Eyes watering, small wheezing sound and all.
It was funny, just not the right time to be out loud.

What brought this on was, the night before I was out mowing the lawn while The Wife was making dinner. When I got in she said, "Your salad is in a bowl next to the sink and your plate is on the table."
I grab the bowl of leafs and other mixed vegetables that have been cut up and head to the table. Put a raspberry vinaigrette on my salad and take a bite, it was good. The next bite had a hard core like feel so I pause. Look at the rest of the mix in the bowl and there are wilted and other wonky slimy parts in there.
It was the compost bowl I was eating. My bowl was on the other side of the sink.

Everyone laughs.
I say, "You fed me compost?"
She can not stop laughing, eyes watering and all.
I say for one of the only times ever and of course jokingly, as we do not take this phrase lightly, "This is grounds for a divorce!"

The next day with this incident very fresh in our minds as she was even giggling that morning and on the drive to church, when Pastor mentioned "serving your husband rotten food" so soon it was too much.
Pastor also enjoyed my story as I told it to him after service.

Laugh at each other and themselves together, in my opinion this is a healthy thing for married people to do.

 

[S-Bigbottom]

All that stuff has one thing in common. As soon as I get them (or sometime after) I need something else. Stuff, will never be the true source of my joy but only leaves me hungry for more.

Now on to your core question.
We are by nature Hunters and Gatherers, as such we have an innate need to get stuff. Since we no longer hunt or gather to survive we channel those feeling into new gear and such.

Shopping at a store or online is the Modern Hunting. Having a mass of the items you bought or "your collection" is the Modern Gathering.

I came to this conclusion a long time ago and as such I have always just been happy with what I have and have had the same Bass for over 20 years until last year I got a five string, and do not care to have more than one or two basses and do not understand the collecting of items.

Also have had the same car since 2002. It does what I need and still runs great even though it is from 1996, do not care to get another.

My joy comes from doing activities not gathering stuff.
Got to remove that Hunter and Gatherer mindset and enjoy what you have and only get things that will really improve a/your situation.

I am not without, just do not need more that one or two of something and do not need everything.

 

[Biggbass]

I just want a good bowl of ice cream that hasn't been pre licked by some nutcase at the grocery store.

 

[Gaolee]

My wife and I met about 35 years ago. We got married 30 years ago. We had a kid almost 29 years ago. We were so busy surviving and trying to be good parents that we never got around to killing each other or any of the other things people contemplate. Sometimes being too busy is good.

 

[slobake]

Myself and The Wife almost interrupted a church service recently because we were laughing so much about a marriage topic.

The topic was about divorce and it was taken very serious. At one point Pastor says "some get divorced for reasons like she feeds me rotten food." and we both loose it.

I am trying not to make a spectacle and did not want to walk out as I will be on stage in a few minutes playing the Bass, but we could not help it. We were as quite as we can in this quite room, our shoulders are clearly bouncing up and down from internal giggling for the rest of the service. Eyes watering, small wheezing sound and all.
It was funny, just not the right time to be out loud.

What brought this on was, the night before I was out mowing the lawn while The Wife was making dinner. When I got in she said, "Your salad is in a bowl next to the sink and your plate is on the table."
I grab the bowl of leafs and other mixed vegetables that have been cut up and head to the table. Put a raspberry vinaigrette on my salad and take a bite, it was good. The next bite had a hard core like feel so I pause. Look at the rest of the mix in the bowl and there are wilted and other wonky slimy parts in there.
It was the compost bowl I was eating. My bowl was on the other side of the sink.

Everyone laughs.
I say, "You fed me compost?"
She can not stop laughing, eyes watering and all.
I say for one of the only times ever and of course jokingly, as we do not take this phrase lightly, "This is grounds for a divorce!"

The next day with this incident very fresh in our minds as she was even giggling that morning and on the drive to church, when Pastor mentioned "serving your husband rotten food" so soon it was too much.
Pastor also enjoyed my story as I told it to him after service.

Laugh at each other and themselves together, in my opinion this is a healthy thing for married people to do.

Great story, thanks for making my day.

 

[P. Aaron]

DOING THINGS is the key to happiness. There is something to the old saying that "Idle hands are the devil's work."

So, have a job. Whether you love it or not. Getting and doing work can lead one to what they really enjoy. AND, expose what you dislike. Both are healthy.

Relationship addicted people seem to think marriage (and kids) will solve the relationship problems. It merely exposes them.

Marriage can be a blessing. We've always heard; "Get to know each other...first." Anita and I met in July, I proposed by that November. Married the next August. It'll be 27 years this coming 8/8. So who knows?

I like stuff. I've come to prefer a financial cushion for rainy days even more.

Only I can improve my bass playing. A Fodera Precision V would be awesome but, my practice attitude would need to change if I were to improve.

Been in Texas for a month. Still haven't seen an armadillo.

 

[friskinator]

Absolutely agree that marriage is no "happily ever after" fairy tale and I don't know any married person who would say it is.

I still wouldn't give mine up for anything, though.

The thing about marriage is that dedicating yourself to a partnership with another person, that intimately, forces you to look hard at yourself, and either deal with things... or not. Whatever your flaws are, whatever your immaturity, your self-deception, your little bits of selfishness or whatever - all the stuff that you can sweep under the rug or not worry about when you're single, get thrown in your face when you're married. That's a hard thing, but in the long run it's a good thing. It pushes you to grow and mature and become a better person with more appreciation of life than you otherwise would have.

Of course, in some cases, it's a strain that people aren't prepared to handle. There's no formula or guarantee to make it work. You just have to do it. It isn't for everybody, and I'm sure there are ways to grow and mature other than the pressure-cooker of a marriage. But it's definitely powerfully transformative.

Plus, may as well say it, married people get laid more than single people. There's a cliche out there that marriage means "game over," but the studies show the opposite - or rather, precisely because you're no longer "gaming," there's much more satisfaction to be had. No more going home alone because they decided not to invite you up to the apartment after a date. It's a great thing to know that you don't have to keep impressing the other person, you don't have to compete with somebody else who's also trying to take them home, that they're still going to be in your bed tomorrow and next week, and that maybe the earth will move tonight but if it doesn't, there will be fireworks the day after tomorrow, so it's OK.

Married people get laid more than single people? Wow, I must be doing it wrong, then

 

[hrodbert696]

Married people get laid more than single people? Wow, I must be doing it wrong, then

Married People Have More Sex

 

[Gaolee]

Married people get laid more than single people? Wow, I must be doing it wrong, then

You are a bass player. That governs.

 

[slobake]

DOING THINGS is the key to happiness. There is something to the old saying that "Idle hands are the devil's work."

So, have a job. Whether you love it or not. Getting and doing work can lead one to what they really enjoy. AND, expose what you dislike. Both are healthy.

Relationship addicted people seem to think marriage (and kids) will solve the relationship problems. It merely exposes them.

Marriage can be a blessing. We've always heard; "Get to know each other...first." Anita and I met in July, I proposed by that November. Married the next August. It'll be 27 years this coming 8/8. So who knows?

I like stuff. I've come to prefer a financial cushion for rainy days even more.

Only I can improve my bass playing. A Fodera Precision V would be awesome but, my practice attitude would need to change if I were to improve.

Been in Texas for a month. Still haven't seen an armadillo.

Mrs. slo and I both retired about a year ago. (She did keep one client but that is about one day a month). It wasn't what we thought it would be at first. We are getting there. We like having things to do also. I became a pastor in a network of churches that meet in homes, worked with homeless, refugees, church members, spend time with my grandson etc. Mrs slo has her things too.
The trick is learning to manage your time. Life is good.