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Hit on by drummer
- Thread starter WolfDeca
- Start date
Your drummer made a mistake. This should be his only opportunity to make this particular mistake. Keep it between the two of you unless he tries again, then lower the boom on him in whatever way you feel is appropriate. In my 40 years as a musician, I've found few things as rewarding as the integration and acceptance of women in all areas of the business. I've known some who flirted all the time, and didn't have much use for them. They usually didn't last long, as flirtation skills took precedence over musical competence. Band members pairing off is usually a recipe for disaster, IMHO. The ones who could play AND hang are the ones who improved everyone's lives, both musically and interpersonally.
Hey guys,
Thanks for all the input. Lots of different inputs, even.
Just to be clear, I wasn't in the car with him. I have been, since I'm usually the designated driver (only non-beer-lover in the gang) and his car is the only one big enough to fit his drum kit. But this time I wasn't, and I sure as heck won't be again!
My BF already knows. The drummer grabbed at me while we (me, singer, lead guitarist) were helping him build a home studio (his GF was downstairs, the other guys were outside smoking, I was getting my gear ready to leave), and at the time I didn't feel like reading too much into that - some people are just grabby, and I just told him not to grab at me 'cause he startled me. I told BF, saying I was kinda confused and annoyed (not a touchy feely person). I thought no more of it until I found some kinda lascivious mails from an anonymous guy. (Sent to a rarely used mail address, so I didn't see them until a month after they were sent.) When I mailed back to tell whoever it was I wasn't interested, I got an e-mail back saying 'Oh, then I'm glad I didn't REALLY kiss you the other day,' and I figured it was the drummer. I was at work at the time, and kinda freaked out and called BF straight away. He said he's not jealous, rather feels sad for drummer's GF and hope I figure something out that makes ME feel OK, so that's not something I have to worry about. He trusts me, as well he should since I get more freaked out about being hit on than he does!
He's not going to punch anyone, but I WILL punch anyone that pulls the 'not married, therefore single' trick on me! If being left alone by clueless males is the only reason to marry, that's not good enough.
I'm not worried about my reputation either. I've been with my first boyfriend for all of my adult life, so they've got a ways to go to tarnish my reputation, while the drummer's a divorced father of two. Not that that makes him a bad guy, mind you - my own dad's a divorced father of two, and I like him just fine.
I'm not looking to create drama or get him kicked out, but I AM wondering if I can look him in the eye after this.
Thanks for all the input. Lots of different inputs, even.
Just to be clear, I wasn't in the car with him. I have been, since I'm usually the designated driver (only non-beer-lover in the gang) and his car is the only one big enough to fit his drum kit. But this time I wasn't, and I sure as heck won't be again!
My BF already knows. The drummer grabbed at me while we (me, singer, lead guitarist) were helping him build a home studio (his GF was downstairs, the other guys were outside smoking, I was getting my gear ready to leave), and at the time I didn't feel like reading too much into that - some people are just grabby, and I just told him not to grab at me 'cause he startled me. I told BF, saying I was kinda confused and annoyed (not a touchy feely person). I thought no more of it until I found some kinda lascivious mails from an anonymous guy. (Sent to a rarely used mail address, so I didn't see them until a month after they were sent.) When I mailed back to tell whoever it was I wasn't interested, I got an e-mail back saying 'Oh, then I'm glad I didn't REALLY kiss you the other day,' and I figured it was the drummer. I was at work at the time, and kinda freaked out and called BF straight away. He said he's not jealous, rather feels sad for drummer's GF and hope I figure something out that makes ME feel OK, so that's not something I have to worry about. He trusts me, as well he should since I get more freaked out about being hit on than he does!
He's not going to punch anyone, but I WILL punch anyone that pulls the 'not married, therefore single' trick on me! If being left alone by clueless males is the only reason to marry, that's not good enough.
I'm not worried about my reputation either. I've been with my first boyfriend for all of my adult life, so they've got a ways to go to tarnish my reputation, while the drummer's a divorced father of two. Not that that makes him a bad guy, mind you - my own dad's a divorced father of two, and I like him just fine.
I'm not looking to create drama or get him kicked out, but I AM wondering if I can look him in the eye after this.
Keep it professional. He stepped over the line, and you let him know in no uncertain terms that it will be his ass if he does it again. Then let it go.
But keep an eye on him- the fact that he tried to hit on you then blame you for it speaks of a personality problem that could cause problems in the band.
lucky for him you are not the physical type- you could have responded with a kick to the gonads- he should consider himself lucky you are not that.. yet.
Whoops- i read your last post- this guy is headed for trouble and he doesn't seem to know how to act right. If it was me in your place, I would smack him one and scream at him. Forget keeping it cool- this is plain old harassment and doesn't seem to be getting the message.
I have worked w a lot of women musicians, married to a great singer right now, players and singers, straight and gay, shy types and big & brassy "do not F with me" types. You are a musician first and your sex has little to do with besides giving you a particular voice. You are to be respected and you are to be worked with as part of a team, and vice versa.
But keep an eye on him- the fact that he tried to hit on you then blame you for it speaks of a personality problem that could cause problems in the band.
lucky for him you are not the physical type- you could have responded with a kick to the gonads- he should consider himself lucky you are not that.. yet.
Whoops- i read your last post- this guy is headed for trouble and he doesn't seem to know how to act right. If it was me in your place, I would smack him one and scream at him. Forget keeping it cool- this is plain old harassment and doesn't seem to be getting the message.
I have worked w a lot of women musicians, married to a great singer right now, players and singers, straight and gay, shy types and big & brassy "do not F with me" types. You are a musician first and your sex has little to do with besides giving you a particular voice. You are to be respected and you are to be worked with as part of a team, and vice versa.
I think you should look at the band and how well its doing...
If nothing happened then there is nothing to report. Saying anything will only break the drummer up with his GF, piss her off at you and could cause friction and aventualy break up the band.
You handled it from the start. He will respect your wishes, if not then you can aproach him again with the threat. You may also consider desussing it with the rest of the band.
If nothing happened then there is nothing to report. Saying anything will only break the drummer up with his GF, piss her off at you and could cause friction and aventualy break up the band.
You handled it from the start. He will respect your wishes, if not then you can aproach him again with the threat. You may also consider desussing it with the rest of the band.
Wow! I think he just couldn't control himself and stepped over the line! He's probably feeling like crap about it. Have a talk with him and let him know how you feel about what he did and how you feel uncomfortable at the moment. I'll assume that you're 'hot' and it's tough for guys to control themselves. We have a seriously hot chick in our band but I would never go there with her as I deeply respect her and plus I'm married! He screwed up!
Don't be alone with him, keep your BF informed (it's a committed relationship, no reason to keep this situation covert). Seems like you've already got this down. 
If he even twitches the wrong direction, make sure he knows where you'll stick his cymbal stand if he ever gets out of line again (and from the email thing, he sounds like a freaking creep). If he does, make good on your threat and then explain to the rest of the band why he's walking funny.
-Mark
PS - I'd be more passive in my suggestion, but from your post about the email and studio "grab", it sounds like this isn't an isolated thing.
If he even twitches the wrong direction, make sure he knows where you'll stick his cymbal stand if he ever gets out of line again (and from the email thing, he sounds like a freaking creep). If he does, make good on your threat and then explain to the rest of the band why he's walking funny.
-Mark
PS - I'd be more passive in my suggestion, but from your post about the email and studio "grab", it sounds like this isn't an isolated thing.
You are seriously lucky to have such an awesome and trusting relationship with your BF--and for 8 years!!! Some people never experience that even once in their entire lives. Seriously.
I think you did the right thing, and suspect that things will work out fine with the band. Good luck!
I think you did the right thing, and suspect that things will work out fine with the band. Good luck!
That changes things a little bit, and I'm gonna go ahead and disagree with all the people who say he's not gonna do it again. In this post I'm counting at least three passes he made, and they're getting more bold every time. Even though you were pretty blunt with the last one, he still may not get the point.
I'm gonna say one of you should leave. It's up to you and the rest of the band who that's gonna be, but you need to tell them about this if it's bothering for you. And as for creating tension with the group, I'd say the drummer created more tension by hitting on you than you would by bringing it up.
I think tycobb73's advice is the best alternative. Depending on the degree of the drummer's lack of maturity and professionalism, I think you need to protect yourself. Discussing it with the band leader will document the incident and provide you some proof of a first occurrence should it happen again. Otherwise it could become a 'he said, she said' kind of situation. If the incident has made things too unsettling for you, you should still discuss it with the leader and depending on his response, make a decision regarding your continued association with the band. The sad truth is that there are some men that are just jerks whether or not they're a musician in a band.
Most of the time, a band member acting improperly like this can sink an otherwise good band. The remark about Fleetwood Mac's situation is very much the exception. Forty-two years of playing have proven this to me. If you're going to have a professional band, everyone has to act professionally to make it successful and an enjoyment for its members and fans.
Lloyd Howard
There is an aspect of a good bass/drum relationship that is very close to a sexual/spousal thing and it is often misinterpreted by those involved and by outsiders. After your initial post I was going to suggest trying to get past it, but after reading about the emails and his subsequent comments I think it's best one of you move on. Then again it might be time for you to explore other playing relationships.
hey imo just chill about the incident and keep going with the band if you feel cool with it. but if you do stay then just watch out for freaky situations, be alert (especially when guys are drunk
)
but thats just me, an 18year old guy, so good luck ahead!
)but thats just me, an 18year old guy, so good luck ahead!
I don't drive and therefore get rides from bandmembers all the time, sometimes my female lead singer. There's no way I would cheat on my wife with her and no way she would let me. You should really move forward in your thinking.
been my experience that band members when there is mixed gender frequently flirt with each other. Certainly band members get flirted with by audience members, whether they are married or not. It's part of the deal. I think perhaps you're making way too much out of this. You've told him no pretty clearly. if he presses it, then I think you need to have a confrontation. But I think if you are two adults you can merely say it was a mistake and not speak of it after this. It happens. I'm married. Sometimes I get flirted with by women from the audience, some of whom are repeat customers. I don't make a federal case out of it. I just don't respond to their offers. no big deal.
john turner
You don't want to do that. Trust me.
i don't see these things as being issues of religion, so much as i do of sexist ignorance.
Hey - you're a feisty bunch. It was strictly my opinion. Didn't realize viewpoints of "religious-types" were excluded here. Let me offer this (totally morality-stripped) - if the 8-year relationship is something you value and after repeated warnings the drummer won't back off, one of you should probably leave.
john turner
You don't want to do that. Trust me.
i agree with kev here, i just don't think it needs to be the OP - i think the band needs to know that the drummer is doing these things - this guy is not gonna stop being a slime ball.
and just for the record, i don't see any "religious stuff" being focused on here from the op. what does this have to do with anything? am i missing something? why is this coming up?
and just for the record, i don't see any "religious stuff" being focused on here from the op. what does this have to do with anything? am i missing something? why is this coming up?
