Hit on by drummer

[KevtheRev]

Just a jab back at JimmyM. Back to the OP's delima ...

 

[jomahu]

i agree with kev here, i just don't think it needs to be the OP - i think the band needs to know that the drummer is doing these things - this guy is not gonna stop being a slime ball.

exactly. from what the OP said, HE was the one was being inappropriate. there is no reason why SHE should have to watch her back any more than any other band member should. nor (and this is the REAL effed up part) should she have to defend her actions/shoulder any blame for HIS lack of boundaries.

 

[ErebusBass]

How do you think the new drummer in this band is going to feel?? [Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

Probably a little bit "cheeky."

 

[john turner]

Just a jab back at JimmyM. Back to the OP's delima ...

gotcha.

 

[Elrend]

its natural too happen, the bassist and the drummer forms a special bond you see. And sometimes that becomes physical attraction

(not really )

 

[scrotimusprime]

chicks in bands full of dudes == problems every time.

There always seems to be somebody who gets a crush or whatever. Watch behind the music - every band with a chick (or gay dudes) has issues like that.


That and chick bass players are the hottest thing known to man.

 

[Phalex]

chicks in bands full of dudes == problems every time.

There always seems to be somebody who gets a crush or whatever. Watch behind the music - every band with a chick (or gay dudes) has issues like that.


That and chick bass players are the hottest thing known to man.

Most of that sounds like crap, but I gotta agree with that last line!

 

[BigMac5]

That and chick bass players are the hottest thing known to man.

 

[mrokern]

been my experience that band members when there is mixed gender frequently flirt with each other. Certainly band members get flirted with by audience members, whether they are married or not. It's part of the deal. I think perhaps you're making way too much out of this. You've told him no pretty clearly. if he presses it, then I think you need to have a confrontation. But I think if you are two adults you can merely say it was a mistake and not speak of it after this. It happens. I'm married. Sometimes I get flirted with by women from the audience, some of whom are repeat customers. I don't make a federal case out of it. I just don't respond to their offers. no big deal.

This is getting beyond flirting. If it had been the one incident, I'd agree...but the email story isn't flirting of any style I've ever seen, unless it's by a stalker.

-Mark

 

[Captain_Arrrg]

The sad truth of thing is that some guys are incapable of viewing women with anything other than lust. Friends and band members be darned, as soon as "Hey... She's a woman... I can have sex with that!" crosses their minds, it's all over.

How was your relationship before this happened? Was he someone you would hang out with outside of practice? If so you may be able to get a semblance of that back (Kinda like if you fall asleep and try have the same dream- It's never the same). If not, the band's line up needs to change.

I hope it all works out!

 

[BillyRay]

Yeah, this guy is A grade stalker material. This is not an incident where someone was drunk at an after gig party and tried to kiss the cute female bass player: the guy sent creepy e-mails, tried to feel her while SHE was helping him and he then proceeded to tell her that he wanted to get all sweaty with her...

He has a crush on you for months and make multiple passes. This is serious. Talk to the band members and have them straighten him out and if he doesn't work, it's ultimatum time. Either Grabby McStalker goes or you go. This guy needs to learn some manners. We aren't living in caves anymore and not everything is up for grabs as he sees fit.

I've seen to many reputations ruined and relationship tank due to immature crap like this. If he wants to cheat on his girlfriend so bad, there's Craiglist.

 

[prattguy]

Drummer made a mistake. You set him straight. He promised he would not make the same mistake again. Take him at his word. If he makes the same mistake again, then it's time for one of you to leave. Just my opinion/advice for your consideration.

Sounds fair...

 

[::::BASSIST::::]

My .02

If you tell your bf, your place in the band is over. No self-respecting guy will allow some doofus to hit on his gf. Band members spend alot of time together. Your bf won't like that.

If I were you, I'd explain the situation to the bandleader and essentially say the drummer has to go, or you are forced to leave.

Ultimately, its a choice between your bf or the band (if they choose to keep the drummer).

That choice is yours.

 

[Rattman]

That's a bad situation to be in.
Sounds like the drummer can't conrol himself. Even if he says he'll "cool it", he has proven by his actions that he can't..

Man... thats a major drag for sure. Yeah, I can't imagine things will ever be 'the same' between you and him again. What a screw up thing to do to a prefectly good rhythm section... sorry turn of events

 

[davec]

originally, I was going to simply say, "tell him your letting your BF know what happened and that he (the drummer) has assured you that it was a error in judgement and that it will not happen again" and gauge his reaction, it should tell you all you need to know..... however, then you posted this

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the input. Lots of different inputs, even.

Just to be clear, I wasn't in the car with him. I have been, since I'm usually the designated driver (only non-beer-lover in the gang) and his car is the only one big enough to fit his drum kit. But this time I wasn't, and I sure as heck won't be again!

My BF already knows. The drummer grabbed at me while we (me, singer, lead guitarist) were helping him build a home studio (his GF was downstairs, the other guys were outside smoking, I was getting my gear ready to leave), and at the time I didn't feel like reading too much into that - some people are just grabby, and I just told him not to grab at me 'cause he startled me. I told BF, saying I was kinda confused and annoyed (not a touchy feely person). I thought no more of it until I found some kinda lascivious mails from an anonymous guy. (Sent to a rarely used mail address, so I didn't see them until a month after they were sent.) When I mailed back to tell whoever it was I wasn't interested, I got an e-mail back saying 'Oh, then I'm glad I didn't REALLY kiss you the other day,' and I figured it was the drummer. I was at work at the time, and kinda freaked out and called BF straight away. He said he's not jealous, rather feels sad for drummer's GF and hope I figure something out that makes ME feel OK, so that's not something I have to worry about. He trusts me, as well he should since I get more freaked out about being hit on than he does!

He's not going to punch anyone, but I WILL punch anyone that pulls the 'not married, therefore single' trick on me! If being left alone by clueless males is the only reason to marry, that's not good enough.

I'm not worried about my reputation either. I've been with my first boyfriend for all of my adult life, so they've got a ways to go to tarnish my reputation, while the drummer's a divorced father of two. Not that that makes him a bad guy, mind you - my own dad's a divorced father of two, and I like him just fine.

I'm not looking to create drama or get him kicked out, but I AM wondering if I can look him in the eye after this

1. the guy is loser, with a good history of bad choices.
2. the mariage thing,
(a) any one who is divorced at some point in there relationship made a bad choice...period.
(b) mariage is the social norm, tax brakes are given, insurance benefits ect. If you are in a long term relationship example 8 years, and not taking advantage of this, I would suggest that you really ask yourself why?

 

[nsmar4211]

If that had been me, and he grabbed me on purpose like that there would have been a scene. Right then and there. I would've put down whatever equipment I was carrying and chewed their butt out. We're talking full out horns and nails and making sure everyone heard it. Because......no guy in his right mind is going to let another guy paw at an unwilling woman!!!

If you still have the emails, you need to give them to the band leader and say, "Hey, I think this might become an issue". Yes the boyfriend needs to know in case drummer tries to blame you. And unless you were doing a strip tease, you did nothing wrong.

Whoever said chicks in bands are trouble...... not when the guys are mature. I'm female, played with several different groups and only once have had to tell another musician to back off. Said musician was a pig anyway and I chose to never share a stage with him again.

What he's doing is harassment and needs to stop, NOW. Do not be alone with him, stay out of arms reach, and he can carry his own drum stuff.

As for the never get in a car with a male musician....errrrrrr.....that's a line of baloney. Friend is a friend, male or female. You can't trust them to ride with them, you shouldn't call em a friend .

Boy am I glad my band is all good friends.....and is living proof you can have both sexes in a band with no probs .

 

[D.Don]

IMO the root of your problem - if you are not legally married, then you are available. That is the purpose of marriage - to say to others "I am taken and there is no chance that you will get anywhere with me!". 9 times out of 10 (don't flame me) if a couple has been together that long and are not married it is because either one or both parties has apprehension about the other. And speaking in general terms a man will not pay for what he is getting for free (dig?). Being musicians further complicates the problem. If none of this applies to you (truthfully), then please ignore me.
Respectfully,
Kevin

This may apply in an amish community, or in a country with less developed civilizations, but not in the rest of the western world dude!!

To OP, if that'd happen to me (I am a guy, but still), I'd demand an excuse from him, and not accept it until I felt he meant it, then I'd tell him that one time is forgivable, but that I NEVER want to see that behavior from him again..


D.Don

 

[calebbarton]

Advice from a 47 y/o married 25 yrs to my high-school sweetheart: Keep it professional and try not to be too apprehensive. He screwed up and probably knows it. But he's also an individual and you can't tell him how to live, nor should you try. I suspect by your comments that he got strong message from you, so give it some time to see how he handles it. If he persists, you have a problem - then you need to do what's right for you. That might be a kick in the balls to the band, but look out for number one (you) FIRST.

Sorry for the dad-level advice, but guys (me included) can be idiots when they think with the wrong head.

i agree with this guy

 

[smeet]

OP - imho, one of you needs to leave.
You are in a band together, he is a drinker, and he has made multiple "passes" at you. He's not going to stop, he's going to be drunk around you often, and this could go much further than a "pass" or unwanted groping...

 

[john turner]

My .02

If you tell your bf, your place in the band is over. No self-respecting guy will allow some doofus to hit on his gf. Band members spend alot of time together. Your bf won't like that.

it's not a question of "self-respecting" it's a question of the guy being mature enough to treat his woman like a grown up, and not his possession. it is your choice to be in the band, not your boyfriend's, and any grown up is gonna know that there's no reason why -you- should be punished in any way whatsoever because this individual acted out of line. definitely tell your boyfriend - he needs to know so that he can help you if the situation gets worse.

If I were you, I'd explain the situation to the bandleader and essentially say the drummer has to go, or you are forced to leave.

i would tend to agree with that assessment.

Ultimately, its a choice between your bf or the band (if they choose to keep the drummer).

That choice is yours.

wow, now -that's- a stretch. why should she be forced to choose anything? and what bearing does her boyfriend have on anything?