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Hit on by drummer

#21
I agree with talking to at least the band leader, if not the whole band. You don't want it affecting you and you don't want him to take you down either.

Plus, talking about it with the band will send a clear message to the rest of them, just in case they were thinking of trying something now or any time in the future.
 
#22
TimWilson said:
what were you doing in a car alone with your drummer anyway? I know it's old-fashioned, but your case shines a light on it: Situations like that ONLY lead to situations like these. He shouldn't have offered the ride. You shouldn't have accepted.
Click to expand...

:rollno:

see, this right here is why you need to come clean, sister.
if this gets out, homeboys are gonna find any which way to paint you as the slut.

accepting a ride from a bandmember is a catalyst for gettin hit on? really? :eyebrow:
 
#23
Drummer sounds like a scumbag. If you've been with our boyfriend for eight years I highly doubt you were being suggestive towards him. If you're as bothered by this as you seem to be, either walk away, or bring it up with the band, and see how they feel about it.
 
#27
IMO the root of your problem - if you are not legally married, then you are available. That is the purpose of marriage - to say to others "I am taken and there is no chance that you will get anywhere with me!". 9 times out of 10 (don't flame me) if a couple has been together that long and are not married it is because either one or both parties has apprehension about the other. And speaking in general terms a man will not pay for what he is getting for free (dig?). Being musicians further complicates the problem. If none of this applies to you (truthfully), then please ignore me.
Respectfully,
Kevin
 
#28
My exwife had a flirty friend that she never told me about... and eventually things grew between the two and it lead to an affair.

I wish she had told me.

If it were to happen to me... The first thing I would do would be to tell my spouse, or in your case, your boyfriend. This is not the sort of thing to keep to yourself, imo.

If it breaks the band... it sucks... but its better than breaking your relationship.
 
#30
Wow.

If the drummer said he was cool with it, is there a reason for you not to take him at his word? Is there a history of cheating on his girlfriend?

Also, avoid all situations where the two of you are alone.

I think you must let your boyfriend know, it is only fair. But only if he can act maturely and not drive over to the drummers house and punch him in the nose. You owe it to your boyfriend to let him know someone made a pass at you, but you handled it, and it's cool and your boyfriend is still your one and only guy. But again, only if he will not act rashly.

As it sounds, the drummer made a mistake, He read things wrong. However I wonder about his maturity as the first thing he did was blame you for putting out signals....

The apparent lack of maturity on his part is why you should not allow yourself to be alone with him. Show up 5 minutes late to every practice and gig from now on. (late to gig meaning uif the band is getting there at a set time, not 5 minutes after the gig is to start)

Also, you said nothing on how he hit on you. Some guys are shallow thoughtless clods and if his delivery is what is creeping you out, I can then understand.

You should have no reason to beat yourself up. You seem to have done nothing wrong except innocently accepting a ride from a friend that you trusted.
 
#33
Riiiiight, legally married people never cheat on each other. :)
Not that I am defending infidelity (I am a big fan of monagamy), but something like 1 in 3 men cheat, and I'm willing to bet that number is higher for musicians, and even higher for drummers. Besides, we've all been in situations where we were attracted to a friend who wasn't interested, or vice versa. I guess what I'm saying is I would think long and hard before setting wheels in motion that will get this guy kicked out of the band, or in hot water with his girlfriend--or with your boyfriend! Again, this is assuming the guy did not physically or emotionally traumatize you, obviously that's over the line.
 
#34
I guess we just have different takes on this. My concern would be that making this little episode into a big public drama would create more problems than it solves - unless it's Wolfy's intent to just get drummer boy drummed out of the band. Because then he's going to be publicly humiliated - and that can't be good for band morale either.

While drummer boy seems less than straightforward and honorable, JT's crime analogy is a little over the top, IMHO. Drummer boy and Wolfy - while they each have long-term partners - aren't married. So there's not even the potential violation of marriage vows at issue here.

As far as not keeping a "secret", "coming clean", not "covering up" and not "looking complicit", I guess I don't understand the big taboo here. And I don't see why Wolfy should be on the defensive - about anything. Because some jilted schmuck might lie about her? Please...

At the end of the day, either you trust your SO or you don't. So no, my wife or girlfriend doesn't need to clear her conscience by running to me every time some guy makes a pass at her - unless she needs protection from him. If I didn't trust her to be true to me, I wouldn't be with her in the first place... :eyebrow:

MM
 
#35
jomahu said:
yes, but that's on him for being a douche, not her.
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I know it isn't fair, but it's just the way it is. In our modern, enlightened society, I SHOULD be able to drive a hot, drunken cheerleader home late at night and there be no question about it from anyone. My wife should be able to accept a midnight ride from a truck full of shirtless Chippendale's construction dancers without reservation. But that's just not the world we live in.

Every time a problem like this erupts, it can be traced back to one specific time when someone was alone with someone else who made the first move. In the end, it doesn't matter if the move was encouraged or not... By then, it's too late. And the whole thing has got to come out fast or everyone looks equally guilty.

Is it really so hard to just avoid potentially explosive situations like this in the first place? That's why I don't go out clubbing alone or even with the guys. And my wife doesn't do girl's night out. We party out together. Hard. And often. She's at every gig. And the next day while our friends are fighting with their S.O.'s about rumors and allegations, we're cool.
 
#36
I would suggest listening to the following advice (suggested by various other posters):

1) Tell your boyfriend
2) Tell the band leader
3) Do not tell the drummer's girlfriend
4) Stay with the band unless the drummer hits on you again.

However, don't tell the boyfriend and band leader that the drummer hit on you. Instead, tell each of them that "another band member" made a pass at you and that you explicitly turned him down. Let both of them know that this "other band member" promised not to do it again and that you would like to keep playing with the band so long as everyone understands that you are in a committed relationship.

If either the band leader or your boyfriend asks which person hit on you, explain that you don't want to rat that person out but that you will take steps to ensure that you are never alone with that person again. Repeat that you are in a committed relationship and are not interested in any of the band members.

You might then ask the band leader if you have been acting or talking in a way that might have given someone the wrong idea. Your behavior doesn't excuse the drummer for trying to cheat on his girlfriend, but any feedback you can get might give you some ideas for preventing a second incident.

Caveat - obviously, the "another band member" reference won't work if there are only 3 of you in the band.
 
#37
KevtheRev said:
IMO the root of your problem - if you are not legally married, then you are available. That is the purpose of marriage - to say to others "I am taken and there is no chance that you will get anywhere with me!". 9 times out of 10 (don't flame me) if a couple has been together that long and are not married it is because either one or both parties has apprehension about the other. And speaking in general terms a man will not pay for what he is getting for free (dig?). Being musicians further complicates the problem. If none of this applies to you (truthfully), then please ignore me.
Respectfully,
Kevin
Click to expand...
Yes, this is the proper answer...if it was a hundred years ago. What business is it of yours if she wants to get married or not? And since when does a woman have to "prove" she's unavailable to fend off unwanted advances? She doesn't want to bang the guy or be hit on by him, she shouldn't have to put up with it regardless of whether she's married or not.

I hate to break it to you very religious types, but not everyone follows your religion or your ideals of how the world should be.
 
#38
KevtheRev said:
IMO the root of your problem - if you are not legally married, then you are available. That is the purpose of marriage - to say to others "I am taken and there is no chance that you will get anywhere with me!". 9 times out of 10 (don't flame me) if a couple has been together that long and are not married it is because either one or both parties has apprehension about the other. And speaking in general terms a man will not pay for what he is getting for free (dig?). Being musicians further complicates the problem. If none of this applies to you (truthfully), then please ignore me.
Respectfully,
Kevin
Click to expand...
WOW!:scowl::rollno::eyebrow::rolleyes::spit:
 

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