If Bar Bands Had Riders...

[walterw]

OK, this was mentioned in the middle of a long thread about john mayer's hospitality rider over on TGP and was just too funny, so i stole it and brought it over here:

If bar bands had a rider: "Bar agrees to provide an overhead flat screen, this screen to be installed to obstruct the singer as much as possible, show re-runs of hockey fights and MMA cheaters, and under no circumstance, have the correct aspect ratio set"



Andy

yes!

there shall be no more than one (1) 15 amp circuit for the entire band, and said circuit outlet shall be no less than 30' away from the "stage area".

the "stage area" (AKA "corner") shall be cleared of tables and chairs no earlier than thirty (30) minutes before downbeat, especially if the manager is fanatical about start times and stands in front of the band looking at his watch like this

the "stage area" shall be no more than five (5) feet from at least two large glass picture windows, insuring maximum piercing stage volume from minimum sound equipment.

what else?

 

[Deathblade Eric]

Audience to be restricted to two men & a dog for safety reasons.

 

[FretNoMore]

Audience shall be made aware that designated areas for empty or half-empty beer glasses are the top of the PA subs, the FOH mixer or any unused floor space next to pedalboards and floor monitors.

 

[HolmeBass]

Bar agrees to be entirely unenthusiastic about the band's upcoming performance, to the point of erroneously telling potential patrons who enquire about the band that the band is actually not playing at the establishment on the agreed upon date. When notified of their error, bar staff will shrug listlessly and walk away.

 

[FretNoMore]

A corollary to the previous post; bar owners should refrain from any marketing activities, including but not limited to local papers, billboards, social media and their own premises and web pages.

 

[Jay Corwin]

15 amp dedicated circuit shall have at least two neon beer signs (cheap domestics only) connected to ensure that there will be plenty of noise passed through to your amplifiers. Sufficient grounding with respect to NEC of said circuit is completely optional.

 

[RoadRanger]

15 amp dedicated circuit shall have at least two neon beer signs (cheap domestics only) connected to ensure that there will be plenty of noise passed through to your amplifiers. Sufficient grounding with respect to NEC of said circuit is completely optional.

Don't forget the popcorn machine which must be on that same circuit but out-of-sight of the band and mix person and turned on at random times while the band is playing. Oh, and in no case shall the third prong be connected to earth ground - connection to the hot is preferred.

 

[Dogbertday]

None of the outlets for this allotted circuit should be near the stage.

All (see 2+dog) are encouraged to make requests. If not fulfilled, the response "come on" is allowed and expected.

 

[AGH]

"Stage" area should be placed blocking the rest rooms, causing bar clients to have to walk through the band while playing.

 

[socialleper]

Somehow through a strange intersecting of the multiverse, we have all been playing the same bar!

 

[knumbskull]

The venue shall provide one (1) creepy old guy who will stand at the side of the stage throughout the performance. He shall try and engage the band in conversation during no less than 5 songs, and shall emit two or more of the following odours at regular intervals: urine, BO, methylated sprits, bowel gas, mothballs.

The venue shall provide a storage / backstage area with floorspace equivalent to one (1) mop bucket (bucket to be included at venue's discretion).

 

[knumbskull]

Somehow through a strange intersecting of the multiverse, we have all been playing the same bar!

there is only one bar venue... it just exists in many different places.

 

[Joedog]

All patrons are required to loudly yell "FREEBIRD" repeatedly.

 

[mellowinman]

Patrons who chain-smoke are encouraged to sit at front tables, thus saving the band money on fog machine fuel.

At no time shall any bar employee be responsible for turning off jukebox.

 

[socialleper]

At no time will the bar staff try to interfere with a drunk patron getting up on stage and then sing/talk into the mic during or between songs.

No bars are allowed to keep extra cables or mics on hand in case of the one currently in use fails.

The bar venue should always maintain that they are doing the bands a favor by letting them be there.

 

[tedious1]

Load in and sound check are to be scheduled a minimum of three hours ahead of the actual performance. This is to ensure that the venues designated employee has a sufficient window to:
1) Destroy/lose and notes the engineer may make.
2) Change all the current settings on the sound board.
3) Clear any presets the engineer may have configured on the board.
This is vital to ensure that the first two songs of each band sound like unadulterated dump, and further to ensure that the rest of the staff have ample opportunity to turn your pay into a bar tab.

 

[sparkyfender2]

The assigned doorman shall not collect a cover from any of his friends coming through the door.
Or any attractive females. Or anyone who grouses about a cover charge.

UNLESS the bar is receiving the cover. Then, everyone shall be charged, even the band members.

 

[Esoge]

At no time shall any bar employee be responsible for turning off jukebox.

This drives me insane every time. And the promoter will just stare at you like you're holding up the starting of the set.

Also a new rule in the rider:

Venue will provide a promoter that does nothing to promote the show, but then hold the act to a minimum standard of ticket sales which they will sell to their friends (who don't show up ever).

 

[fhm555]

No band member shall park within 500 feet of venue access for load in/out. In the even of inclement weather, this distance shall be increased to 700 feet.

In the event venue is on a different level than access, IE second floor, basement, etc., all equipment must be loaded in/out using stairway access only. Use of any available elevator(s), freight lift, or other mechanical lifting devices is expressly prohibited.

All venue employees are prohibited from rendering any and all aid to band members during load in/out, including but not limited to; opening or holding doors, pointing out electrical outlets, etc. Employee(s) complaining about doors left open, bar furniture moved, etc., is not considered rendering aid and is in fact encouraged by bar management.

Band shall abide by any decision of bar management to reduction in agreed payment for services, and shall accept without question whatever bar management cites as reason for this reduction. Any attempt to question this decision shall constitute a violation of this agreement and will result in a penalty reduction of payment equal to 100% of A) full promised payment amount, or B) full promised payment amount less any downward adjustment made by bar management, whichever is lowest.

 

[tangentmusic]

No attractive single female patrons shall be allowed near the bass player..