If Bar Bands Had Riders...

[eukatheude]

Venue's sign will either fail to show the band's name, or, as an option, show the name of last week's band.

Venue will then be required to complain about the event's attendance.

 

[lowfreq33]

Female guests will be encouraged to dance on stage during DJ set/load out in such a manner as to impede said load out as much as possible. Upon being asked to move, said females should be as rude as humanly possible.

 

[theduke1]

It really cool that we have all played the same place and never met or very strange great read.
How about
The bar owner or any regular customer reserves the right to assume soundman duties at any time.

 

[obimark]

The bar will have a rave dj starting no more than 15 minutes after your last song. At this time the bar will surprise you with your bar tab

Yes- been there done that several times at a dumpy bar in Kennesaw Georgia--- has a stupid Frog in the name... hint. Man do these "country" girls like their hip-hop rap dj too- you wouldn't think but they got on that floor so fast when the DJ started slinging the latest crap, it blew my mind. Game. Over. ;-)

 

[kev b]

The band room/dressing room/cupboard must be filled with stacking chairs, if this is not possible then the door must be locked and the key thrown away.

Load in and out must be through the door furthest from the stage, others must be locked or alarmed to prevent ease of access.

 

[nukes_da_bass]

The venue shall have a direct current wiring system installed by Edison himself no later than 1911.
Power spikes will be guaranteed to fry the band's PA, and all amp heads no.exception.
WHEN the power fails, the sound engineer WILL blame the band.
The venue will have an actual FUSEBOX, with glass fuses older than Methusela.
Said fuse will be out of stock.

 

[Flad]

The Juke Box must be set to auto-play Clarence Carter's "Strokin'" approximately 30 seconds after the Band's first song begins.

 

[John Wentzien]

Drummer must take up 99% of available stage space...with crap he doesn't ever use!

 

[Darchyboy]

"Stage" area should be placed blocking the rest rooms, causing bar clients to have to walk through the band while playing.

Oh man, I have had to play like this before.

 

[snarebear]

Doorman must not be able to count past 10 and let at least 20 friends in for free.

 

[tedious1]

Venue's sign will either fail to show the band's name, or, as an option, show the name of last week's band.

It is also acceptable to horribly mis-spell the band's name.

 

[Philonius]

Bar reserves the right to schedule another act (who has shown up earlier and is playing the entire evening), and not inform the band until they have arrived with all of their equipment and at least a dozen fans. OK, this didn't happen to me, but to a good friend of mine.

 

[FretNoMore]

Load in and sound check are to be scheduled a minimum of three hours ahead of the actual performance. This is to ensure that the venues designated employee has a sufficient window to:
1) Destroy/lose and notes the engineer may make.
2) Change all the current settings on the sound board.
3) Clear any presets the engineer may have configured on the board.
This is vital to ensure that the first two songs of each band sound like unadulterated dump, and further to ensure that the rest of the staff have ample opportunity to turn your pay into a bar tab.

Sound check should be finished a minimum of three to four hours prior to the start of the first set to let the band enjoy sightseeing around the local neighborhood before the gig.

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

The venue shall have a direct current wiring system installed by Edison himself no later than 1911.
Power spikes will be guaranteed to fry the band's PA, and all amp heads no.exception.
WHEN the power fails, the sound engineer WILL blame the band.
The venue will have an actual FUSEBOX, with glass fuses older than Methusela.
Said fuse will be out of stock.

Were you at that club in Norfolk? They had the heating system, the juke box, and 4 or 5 pinball machines on the stage circut. It was 1967 and we had 3 brand new Standel amps and a PA (can't remember the brand), maybe played at 3 or 4 gigs. Early beginnings of solid state and very sensative to line spikes. We lost all 3 amps and the PA in a 5 minute time space. When the amps blew, all 3 put B+ to ground through the speaker coils. One big whhhhoooop and they were dead.

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

Venue will not be permitted to provide a raised stage or platform for the band. Only a strategic spot on the floor immediately adjacent to the dance floor and in line with the normal path of wait staff to the tables. Venue further agrees that floor spot shall be near the door, and the door shall remain open at least 60% of the time, so that the refreshing Helena, Montana, winter breeze can keep the band members from sweating while performing.

 

[THUNDERGODX]

Pool tables will be placed if not directly in front of the stage, then in close enough proximity so that table lights will render ineffective any stage lighting the band may try to use.

Pool shooting shall be prioritized over dancing, thereby providing band members close up views of pool playing guys rather than dancing girls.

If pool tables do not have individual lights, then the bar's interior overhead lights shall be used to totally disapate and render completely ineffective and useless any lighting that may be used to focus attention on the band.

Whenever possible, the bar shall be constructed of cinderblock walls and solid concrete floors for maximum sonic sustain and equalizer uselessness.

The bar shall provide at least one patron, drunk upon the band's arrival, and continuing throughout the evening, who shall, at random times, yell out some inane saying or slogan, or loudly request "Freebird."

This patron will be required by management to occupy and regale band members during breaks with accounts of how good other bands that play there are.

This patron, or some other designated by management, shall be assigned to help with tearing down, particularly helping to pull cables before they are disconnected, and wrapping cables by means of the ""forearm loop" technique.

These "in-house" stagehands shall start immediately at the last chord of the last song of the evening, to plod onto the stage, being sure to either kick or stomp any and all floorboard effects, all patch and mic cables, and mic stands. They shall place themselves stragecially so as to impede or completely block musicians from accessing their road cases or cable boxes in order to start packing up.

They shall be recognized by their identifying code phrase, "Wha-yaw nee-dun?"

 

[THUNDERGODX]

It is also acceptable to horribly mis-spell the band's name.

Or put "The" and " 's" around the name.

 

[Esoge]

The bar's exterior shall be indistinguishable from a residence, or dilapidated structure with no signage except for one light up sign (that hasn't lit up since 1984) that is covered by a tree that's grown over it.

The band's friends are required to call the band for the 3 hours prior to their set trying to find the place. The bar staff will provide no help in giving said directions.

Said bar will complain about attendance.

 

[Tomservo-Crow]

Bar shall provide one sound man that shows up drunk, sloppily sets up microphones and then mixes sound from a different room entirely. This will enable the sub optimal sound that patrons can complain about.
This sound man shall then proceed to hit on the lead guitarist's sister during the beginning of the first set. Once rejected by said sister the sound man will leave the venue due to "family issues". This will ensure that any sub optimal sound set up during sound check can continue for the duration of the bands performance.

 

[Esoge]

It is also acceptable to horribly mis-spell the band's name.

Or put "The" and " 's" around the name.

I used to perform in a hip-hop act named "Mortal Shellz" and the best mis-spelling ever was:

Montal Shalls

What was that person on I ask you?