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If Bar Bands Had Riders...

#81
The venue and promoters shall ask for any and all ticket money upon the band's arrival, claiming that set times will be based on said ticket money and that they will return half. After which point said set times will not be based on ticket sales, and upon asking for the aforementioned ticket money, both venue and promoter will blame the disappearance of said money on the other individual, and upon showing up to another show at said venue will find out rather pleasantly that they were banned after buying a ticket for said other show.
 
#82
A drunk patron shall try to pick up the singerbabe by refusing to talk to her but by jabbering at the male members of the band about her for most of the night. There will be a large, heavy table placed in front of the doorway used for load-in and load-out. Said table shall be occupied by said drunk patron.
 
#87
Stage area will be approximately wide enough for a small kit. And a fender champ to comfortably reside. This width is the exact same dimension as the bar. Which consequently the direction that the band must face .
In order to entertain the patrons on the dance floor situated 10 feet to stage left. On stage left will be an ice machine used to replenish the bar. Which of course was built in 1940 and whizzes and rattles constantly. Also the dump of new ice will be timed perfectly so as to coincide with the final notes of Patty cline crazy. The bar backs must walk through the dance floor repeatedly carrying buckets of ice which they then must stand directly in front of the singers while handing the buckets over the top of the bar and successfully spill one complete 5 gallon bucket of ice ON the monitors. And splash the drippy ice all over the dance floor just for the patrons safety.
 
#89
Ritchie_Darling said:
+1

This was my amp's volume setting last Saturday night. There were tables sitting ten feet away asking us to turn up.

And the neighbors across the street from the club called the cops FIVE TIMES between 7:00 - 10:00pm.....

ARSE!!
Click to expand...

Hey, were you playing in Sedona, of the 50dB night noise limit? :D They are baffled why there is no scene there.

1a) If a stage is provided, it shall be home built by the bar owner's nephew, to the approximate springiness of a trampoline.
1b) Said stage shall have a pile of feces from the bar owner/manager's dog at the corner nearest to load in access.

...from the rider on the 1st stop on my 1st "tour".
 
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#97
• Bar must have no plan for load-in or load-out of gear, so that in a packed house during an ongoing street festival we must awkwardly and injuriously carry heavy tube amps through crowds of drunk people that will not budge more than just a casual shoulder move, ignore the proclaimed "EXCUSE ME", and glare at us like we are the a-holes. If any gear is dropped, this is a plus. Also, this helps to ensure that we will have no feasible parking within blocks of said facility, as we dislike comfort and ease and prefer the worst scenario possible for playing to a crowd of "bros" that want to fist bump you all night on stage.

• Bar must only have one bathroom available with no door on the stall because we prefer no privacy if we must use the facility after a long drive of coffee and food on the go.

• Bar must smell like dirty mop and/or dirty punk rockers that can't afford (or won't, depending on how nihilistic they may be) deodorant, and also must ensure that all of our gear and shoes be covered in an unremovable sticky substance after playing.
 
#100
These first three things actually happened to me all at the same bar.

Bar must have an old foam mat covering entire floor of men's room and saturated with decades of urine thus making mat squishy and have a wonderful aroma.

Bar must have dilapidated drop ceiling tiles that continuously fall apart and sprinkle particles like snowflakes upon the band while performing.

Bar must have booths that ensure that patrons fall backward onto the floor upon sitting on them.

And, this one happens often.

Under no circumstance shall there be any parking spaces for the band to unload nor park their vehicles after unloading.
 

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