I've read the whole thread and it's made my morning. How about stage must face wall with dance floor the width of a small hallway with tables for patrons on one side and a bar on the other.
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If Bar Bands Had Riders...
- Thread starter walterw
- Start date
Actually I think what the situation is is that this venue is in some sort of parallel dimension. We all exist in our own world, but when we walk through the door of the venue we think we are entering, we actually enter this alternate universe where every bad thing that can happen to a band exists...hmmmm. Would make a neat Twilight Zone episode.
BnB
Bar will ensure that the speaker with the feed from the Bistro will be kept at full volume and periodically announce "number 76 your order is ready" and an advertisement for the pokies every 5 minutes, usually over the heart-wrenching solo of Still Got the Blues for You..."Win big! Win today! <jingle plays 17/22nds offbeat> Go Jackpot! GO! GO! GO!"
I play that one regularly with my hard rock band. Also, the exit is on one side of the stage and the toilets on the other. The guitarist hides behind the PA stack, while I am mindful of my bass neck to avoid hurting passing patrons.
I've been thinking about this one the whole time. I once played an Eagles club where said speaker was located directly over the stage, just above the drummer. As soon as we launched into a soft sappy country ballad, you would hear (use your best redneck accent when reading the following) "Fred your cheeseburger's up!" or "65 on the bucket...65". We were there four nights a week for a month. After about two weeks of that, and asking the bar manager to make sure the dude did it in between songs, to no avail, the bass player at the time stuck a rag in the speaker to muffle it. That worked for the rest of the night. The next night we came back and the rag was gone and we dealt with it again. Later that night we heard "Bob your fries are --" and then nothing. I looked over and the bass player had cut the wire to the speaker. Problem solved.
Minus the toilets, I play the same place in town. I'm on the door side and have to turn sideways to keep from hitting people with the neck when the enter/exit. Guitar player is on the other side behind the PA.
BnB
I can't believe this hasn't been written in yet:
Venue agrees to provide 2 (two) drunk, overweight, recent divorcees who think that they are far more attractive than they are. Divorcees agree to dance right in front of the band all night, trip over the monitor cables, and jump on stage uninvited and attempt to sing on all backup microphones at least 3 (three) times per night.
Venue agrees to provide 2 (two) drunk, overweight, recent divorcees who think that they are far more attractive than they are. Divorcees agree to dance right in front of the band all night, trip over the monitor cables, and jump on stage uninvited and attempt to sing on all backup microphones at least 3 (three) times per night.
Also, all microphone stands must be placed so as to facilitate dancing patrons kicking them into the singer's teeth.
After telling the band to turn down all night, venue staff plays cookie monster metal tunes on the in house 8" distorted speakers twice as loud as the band was while they are packing up.
If at all possible have the room where the liquor is stored be behind the stage with the only door in the middle of the stage and please have the only power outlets that don't buzz be in that room. Also when the band is packing up and need to access said room to unplug their extension cords make sure no one on site has the key and no one knows who has the key forcing the band to abandon their extension cords with the promise the club will "hold" them until the band returns.
Make sure that the area where the band sets up is on both sides of the entrance to the restroom or kitchen so that people keep walking back and forth between the band members and over your cables, etc.
the venue shall get the name of the band or the date of the event wrong on all social media and never change it even after repeated contact from the band, alternately the venue shall have no social media presence at all
When promoting the band’s upcoming show please continue to use an ancient old promo picture that features no less that 3 ex members. Continue to ignore the request to use the updated picture you have been emails no less than 8 times, forcing the band to continue to explain the harrowing story of what happened to Chuck.
Wow! This thread brought back a lot of memories! During 40+ years of bar gigs I ran into every one of those situations.
