• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

If Bar Bands Had Riders...

#101
Okay, these have all been really funny and this one I have to explain because it is really weird.

Club agrees to provide the performers with showers during their performance to help them stay cool.

Played a hotel in Paducah, KY, and the club was on the roof. The hotel was round so each room was like a pie wedge. On the roof were the club and the swimming pool separated by a wall that did not go all the way to the glass dome roof. The condensation caused by the swimming pool would drip on us during the gig. Every night after the gig, we had to cover all our equiment with plastic tarps.
 
#102
Richland123 said:
Have tables and chairs with diners in area where band is to set up and make sure that patrons are served their food and drinks when the band shows up for set up and make the band wait an hour until patrons are finished eating and chatting. Add to this, yell at the band because they did not start on time due to said inability to load in and set up.
Click to expand...

It's funny because it's TRUE. There is nothing I love more than planning, arriving early, and then having to start LATE.
 
#103
  • Stage must be no deeper than four feet, and provide a two foot wide "canyon of death" before encountering the back wall.
  • Drum riser must be fabricated by placing four card tables next to each other. Fastening the tables together by any means is strictly prohibited.
  • Structural support poles must be located no greater than three feet from the front of the stage, and positioned to provide maximum obstruction of lead singer's face.
  • Power sources for the P.A. and the instrument amplification must be isolated, and cannot share the same ground. Preferably one of them is completely ungrounded.
  • All outlets must be two-prong only, and no adapters can be provided by venue. No notification of this condition may be given prior to band arrival.
  • If a P.A. is provided, microphones must be stored in a mouse infested location and pungency must be significant enough to make the non-singing drummer complain.
  • Outlets must be only available in a location requiring extension cords to be run through the audience. No means of preventing these cords from getting unplugged may be employed. Once unplugged, no assistance may be given to the band by anyone located in the back of the room.
  • Venue must ensure at least one patron is available to argue the deeper true meaning of the song lyrics. Patron must not allow agreement, disagreement or indifference to interrupt said argument. Any means of distancing oneself from aforementioned patron will be construed as provocation.
  • In the event of catastrophic equipment loss, venue will promptly file an itemized list of destroyed items with their insurance company then silently pocket any settlement check.
Yep, they've all happened. And yet I keep playing...
 
#107
Bar must solve their rat / mouse problem by keeping a few cats inside the club. Cats will use the stage carpeting as a cat box. For at least five years..

Bar will score a great deal on 4 theater spotlights, and install them about 8 feet high and ten feet away from the stage. Venue will leave all stage lights off until band is on stage, then will turn everything on at once, thereby blinding band for the next 30 minutes.

Bar will give free drinks to the women who dance at the local topless bar, and said women will get drunk and try their act out on stage while the band is playing.

Bar owner has this girlfriend who thinks she can sing and he will insist band allows her to sing a couple of songs. And she can't carry a tune in a bucket. But she's stacked.....

Bar will have one outlet in front of the stage, and patrons will be allowed to accidentally kick it out of the socket at least once per set.

Bar will provide two separate badly grounded outlets, each on its own breaker and one wired possibly in reverse, thereby giving guitar player with talk box enough of a shock to knock him flat on his back, as well as many other electrical surprises.

Bar will provide pole fan to cool drummer, but said fan will not have a shroud, and will be teetering very close to the drummer.


Here's to my LA days.............
 
#109
As a gesture of good will, bar must promise to provide hot food for the band between sound check and concert. This agreement must be "miscommunicated" so that no bar employee actually present has heard of it.

If pay2play, the bar's 200 regulars who love concerts and new music must mysteriously fail to show up whenever there's an actual concert.

Stage must be up to industry standard, i.e. stacked pallets with a carpet thrown over.

"Backstage" area, if provided, must under no circumstance be located behind, or close to, the stage.
 
#114
Lonnybass said:
Bar will have a clean bathroom with both hot and cold water, and soap.
Click to expand...
no see, that's what you find on a touring band's rider.

on a bar band's rider, you'd find something more like,

"restroom shall have no locking door or other means of ensuring privacy and shall likewise have no working sink or any means of either washing or drying hands.

under no circumstances will a restroom separate from the patrons be available to the band, and overall restroom capacity shall likewise be wholly inadequate for the volume of patrons in the establishment."
 
  • Like
Reactions: AGH and Lonnybass
#115
knumbskull said:
The venue shall provide one (1) creepy old guy who will stand at the side of the stage throughout the performance. He shall try and engage the band in conversation during no less than 5 songs, and shall emit two or more of the following odours at regular intervals: urine, BO, methylated sprits, bowel gas, mothballs.
Click to expand...

Said creepy guy must claim to be close personal friends with the Allman Brothers.
 
  • Like
Reactions: knumbskull
#116
Bar must require waitresses to use a pre-set route to and from every table that starts with a walk from left to right across and immediately in front of the band and ends with a walk from right to left across and immediately in front of the band.
 
#117
The venue will ensure that there is a discreptancy between agreed upon performance fee and what is actually presented in the pay package at the end of the night. Venue will supply many excuses for this discrepancy up to and including: "The manager that booked the band is not the manager on duty tonight" or "I'm just the bartender, this is what the owner left with me to pay you".

The venue agrees to supply a complementary meal and beverage for each performer. Furthermore, the venue will ensure that each peformer is fully billed for a meal and beverage at the end of the night regardless of if said performer has consumed any food or beverages on the night of the performance.

The venue agrees to hire the band for three one (1) hour sets beginning at 9:00PM with a 15 minute break between sets. The venue reserves the right to hassle the band to continue to play until last call (2:00am), with no additional peformance fee, if more than 50% of the venue's customers arrive after midnight. In such a situation, the venue's management reserves the right to criticize the band if a song is played more than once during the performance.

The venue shall take particular care to book and seat a large party in the immediate vicinity of the stage area at the exact same time that the venue requires the band to arrive and setup thier equipment. Furthermore, the venue shall ensure that members of the large party are aware that the band's equipment is available to use, for no extra fee, for speeches, announcements and other miscenallenous activities.

The venue will ensure to seat those members of the audience that do not like loud music as close to the stage and dancefloor as possible. The venue will entertain all and sundry requests from the audience to turn the music down, up to an including interrupting the performance to speak to the band about the volume of the music. Such requests will only be made during the first half of the first set after which those audience members will sit with folded arms and stare at the band with hostility. Additionally, the venue will ignore comments from those members of the audience who would like the music louder so they can dance, drink and generally have fun.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: GregC, John Swartz, AGH and 1 other person
#118
Venue will ensure that at least one (1) patron will clog the only toilet cubicle and/or hand basin with vomit at some time prior to 11pm.

In order to ensure maximum spillage, drinks must held, but not consumed, by drunken “dancers” as close as possible to monitors at front of stage.

Any tambourines or hand percussion will become and remain the sole property of whichever drunken cougar removes it from the stage first

Definitions: PA Provided will hitherto refer to 2 abused speakers and a 4 channel mixer. Cables, monitors, mic stands are not PA.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Pulverizor and John Swartz
#120
Venue men's room shall consist of 1) filthy sink with perpetually empty paper towel dispenser, 2) urinal covered in urine and hairs, that apparently doesn't flush, with a large puddle immediately in front if it, and 3) a clogged toilet similarly covered in urine and hairs, with an impossibly large turd poking up out of the water.

Said men's room entrance shall be close to stage, ensuring that Band will get to experience its stench while onstage.
 
  • Like
Reactions: nolezmaj and bound'n'blocked

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back