Instant ***hole, just add microphone

[DanNowhere]

This is why I don't miss cover gigs. The band I'm with now plays venues with security staff to keep this crap from happening. I feel much luckier now.

The leader of a coverband I was with years ago used to encourage crowd participation and would let just about anyone up on stage. It was one of the reasons I cited for leaving when I quit his crappy band.

 

[TylerDurdenPSSC]

Been there, did it.

Our lead singer quit the band the day of the show, so being the member with the most talent *cough;* I decided to dumb my playing down so I could focus on vocals. Which with our special blend of southern/modern hard rock wasn't too hard... until we got to our Killswitch Engage cover.

I for the life of me cannot sing, our buddy on the floor, can. The drunk cougar next to him, thinks she can do it better.

Chain of events is as follows:

We announce a cover,
I pass the mic to our buddy,
we start playing, actually accomplishing the first verse, and chorus, not to bad.
Cougar gets ANGRY!! "I can do it betta!" Her Rolling Rock fueled mind says.
cougar grabs mic, hits friend in the throat in the process.
cougar proceeds to "sing" but is to drunk to form words.
Song now goes "dundun, dundundun, whaaaaaaaaaaglaaaaaaaaaaa!! Dundun, dundundun, whooooooooooooblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
we stop playing.
Cougar continues.
Sound guy cuts mc.
Cougar continues.
Bartender hops OVER the bar, and takes the mic back.

This is why I will NEVER play at the Lima Frehouse again. (Not a current firehouse, mind you.)

 

[Richland123]

This is why I will NEVER play at the Lima Frehouse again. (Not a current firehouse, mind you.)

Well, the TV show Glee is set in Lima, OH.

 

[HolmeBass]

People! They suck so much. Two guys start talking to me - while we're playing a song:
- hey do you know <some country song>?
- No, I don't know it.
- Well my buddy here is a real good singer and the song is really easy, can he sing it?
- I don't know it.
- It's really easy, it's by <some country star I don't know>.
- That's great but I still don't know it.
- Oh come on man...
- Look, get your own gig, ok?
Of course then they get pissed- *** was wrong with that guy?

Or the cute girl who comes up and asks, again *while we're playing a song*, "Where's your tambourine?" I say, "We don't have one." She heads back behind my rig and starts opening my cord bag, which at this point during the gig has my wallet and cell phone in it. I yell at her to leave my bag alone, there's no tambourine in there. She asks, "Why don't you have a tambourine?" I say, "Because no one in the band plays tambourine." "I do!" "You're not in this band." She leaves in a huff. Fortunately we do usually keep drunks off of the mics. This is one reason I love a real stage- just a foot higher, or a good two or three feet, and you never have to deal with this crap. When you're on the floor with them they just don't take it as seriously.

 

[spaz21387]

keep an eye out if they happen to be tilting the mic stand if they are step on it and the mic goes directly to the face of the mic thief.... it works wonders its like smacking a dog with a newspaper....

 

[busmandan]

This is one reason I love a real stage- just a foot higher, or a good two or three feet, and you never have to deal with this crap. When you're on the floor with them they just don't take it as seriously.

I, for one, don't like the foot-high stage. Why? I was doing a gig on one once when some nitwit comes out of the crowd and waves me over to him. I leaned over to him (while in the middle of a song) to see what he wanted. Bad idea. He proceeded to put his arm around the back of my neck to pull me closer to him so I could hear - and pulled me right off the stage in the process, landing bass-first. Fortunately, I was playing my old solid Ash '72 Jazz Bass - which has lived through worse - and came through this incident unscathed.

 

[Phalex]

We used to play a place with a five foot or so high stage. One night some guys starts climbing up, and the guitar player planted his foot in the guys chest and shoved him back down. It was pretty epic!

 

[plangentmusic]

There is an invisible line 2 feet in front of the stage that separates the audience from the performer. ANd just as you don;t just walk into someone's house, you don;t cross that line. Anyone who does, doesn't deserve politeness.

I have an on/off switch on my mic chord. It's great to watch some douche grab the mic and say something and nothing comes out. That gives me just enough time to get the mic back from him and tell him to sit down and chill.

 

[s_mcsleazy]

ok heres one. we were playing a show in glasgow and when we walked in this polish guy came up to us and started saying "you have to play guns and roses or you'll be in trouble" so we soundcheck one of our songs and the polish guy comes on stage and says "what the hell you only played one song and it wasnt guns and roses" then started screaming into the mic "these guys dont deserve to play if they dont know guns and roses"

we had to explain to him that
a. we were a origionals band
b. that was just the sound check

 

[My name is Mudd]

...that was just the sound check...

I'd think that this would be the time to give the guy the mic and let him get it out of his system.

 

[Luckie]

This is why god gave us the mixer's break switch.

You're certainly my Main Mon Munji...

 

[namraj]

My wedding band has had it's fair share of drunk nuts stealing the mics, we usually let them have a bit of fun for a bit (it's entertaining for the audience to see their friend make a tit of themselves), then get them off with help from their friends.

The real problem we used to have with mics is me. I get nervous when I'm talking to the audience, which is weird, because normally I'm extremely confident talking to large groups of people without a mic, problem is, when I get nervous I swear to compensate, which offends some people, I get away with it because we normally move on quickly, but my band stopped giving me a mic for a while just in case, lol.

I'm a bit better now, but I still have the odd moment of saying something a little silly.

 

[PJSShearer]

Questions and Answers:

"Can I make an announcement?"

NO, but tell me what it is and I'll do it for you!

"Can I get up and sing?, I used to be a pro"

Got your charts with you?. Be VERY careful using this one if you don't read!!!.

"My friends and I have band, can we play a couple of songs?"

NO - get your own ****** gig!

 

[Munjibunga]

We played a bar out in the middle of nowhere a couple years. We played our first set to a few people and there was a guy there who was enjoying our music. We took a break and he came over and said how much he liked the band and he was extremely well spoken and polite and he was sober. We got back up for the next set and he very politely asked if he could say something to the audience. Well, he takes the mic and proceeds to recite the most racist speech imaginable. We did not know what to do or say and were quite appalled. He finished and thanked us for letting him use the mic. We dubbed him the "articulate racist". So, the moral of the story is that no matter how well dressed, well spoken, sober, polite, or educated somebody appears, you have to be very careful of who you let use your mic.

What would've been wrong with shutting down the PA? Why would you let a stranger have a mic at your gig? Did you express your disgust to the audience and apologize to them?

 

[Richland123]

What would've been wrong with shutting down the PA? Why would you let a stranger have a mic at your gig? Did you express your disgust to the audience and apologize to them?

Yes, we apologized to the audience and told them not only did we not approve of such messages but we had nothing to do with the guy. He originally said he wanted to make an announcement for the bar and also to compliment the band but it all happened so fast that we did not have a chance to turn off the mic. It sure was a lesson learned for us.

 

[s_mcsleazy]

I'd think that this would be the time to give the guy the mic and let him get it out of his system.

nah he ran out crying shortly after

 

[D.M.N.]

Man, I hate these shenanigans.

One show we were playing, there was this one woman, of course intoxicated, and of course she figured she could sing along (can't remember the song). She'd been a bit of a pest all night, hollaring and being all around a bit boisterous. Anyways, she slowly starts creeping closer to the mic, so I ask her to back away. She steps away, and about a minute later starts doing it again. Do the same thing, politely say please don't. She backs away, and 30 seconds later, comes up again. This time she comes in quicker, and gets right up on the mic infront of me. So I nudge her off it, and turn to her and, off mic, go "Lady, step off!" She really gets it this time, grabs her jacket, pays her tab, and stumbles off. She came back about a half hour later, but didn't try to sing anymore.

Another time, I had to deal with this one guy. He's always at this bar, and he's a cool enough dude sober, but drunk, and he gets bloody annoying. The whole band has had to deal with him on a few occasions, and the guitar player/singer has grown quite unfond of him, as he's constantly messing about while we're playing. So one time, he's coming up to my area, dancing about and all that. Almost knocks over a PA column. Starts trying to dance with me and sing. I push him off the stage area. He comes back. I've had enough of the guy, and ended up side-kicking him in the hip enough to put him on his butt. While continuing to play and sing. I thought it was quite good. He got it at that point, and went to annoy some ladies elsewhere in the bar.

 

[walterw]

People! They suck so much.

sig-worthy!

 

[PJSShearer]

Been there, did it.

Our lead singer quit the band the day of the show, so being the member with the most talent *cough;* I decided to dumb my playing down so I could focus on vocals. Which with our special blend of southern/modern hard rock wasn't too hard... until we got to our Killswitch Engage cover.

I for the life of me cannot sing, our buddy on the floor, can. The drunk cougar next to him, thinks she can do it better.

Chain of events is as follows:

We announce a cover,
I pass the mic to our buddy,
we start playing, actually accomplishing the first verse, and chorus, not to bad.
Cougar gets ANGRY!! "I can do it betta!" Her Rolling Rock fueled mind says.
cougar grabs mic, hits friend in the throat in the process.
cougar proceeds to "sing" but is to drunk to form words.
Song now goes "dundun, dundundun, whaaaaaaaaaaglaaaaaaaaaaa!! Dundun, dundundun, whooooooooooooblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
we stop playing.
Cougar continues.
Sound guy cuts mc.
Cougar continues.
Bartender hops OVER the bar, and takes the mic back.

This is why I will NEVER play at the Lima Frehouse again. (Not a current firehouse, mind you.)

^^^ For this reason, you should Never, Ever, hand a Mike to a member of the audience. If you must then get them up on stage to sing, then you can take the Mike back off them at the end of the song and, with an arm over their shoulder, and a "give a big hand for ..." you can escort them to the side of the stage get rid of them...

 

[jive1]

I worked with a guitarist/singer who had the nastiest mic ever. The screen of his mic was covered in spit, and other nasty residue. It was really gross to look at, real gross. Looked like someone spilled a spitoon on the mic, and never cleaned it up. Whenever some drunk would try to take his mic, I couldn't help but simultaneously laugh and cringe knowing what the drunk was putting his/her mouth up against.

Personally, I hate sharing mics with anyone. Over time, mics are natural spit collectors. In drunk bar situations, it's good to use a windscreen for the drunk in the audience who is going to spit all over your mic.