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Interviewing bassist stories

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Okay, still only on page 10 (there just aren't enough hours in the day!), but had to respond to this:

Fear not. The film biz is just like the music biz. While it's entirely possible that the writer received a nice windfall from the deal you mentioned, you can bet that the contract will have had all kinds of clauses in it that will limit what the writer is entitled to under certain circumstances, and that will allow the production company a relatively free exit from its obligations to said writer (beyond the actual rights to the story) if they decide to have a more experienced writer do the screenplay (which they likely will).

There is no such truth as, "Now it's going to be a movie," in the film industry. Getting a picture green-lighted can take years - decades in some cases. And even then, there are no guarantees. Like dealing with major record labels, it's all designed to look good in the press. The reality is often far different.
You're absolutely correct.

My guides in the L.A. entertainment world introduced me to people who made a spectacular living selling movie screenplays and pilots for TV shows that everybody knew would never be made.

I met a guy who wrote a screenplay for a female James Bond and got $250,000 for it as a first-time screenwriter. That was at least ten years ago.

The best novel ever written, without a doubt, is The Far Arena, by Richard Ben Sapir. A frozen man is found in the ice by an American oil company drilling in the frozen Norwegian wastelands, and as an experiment the Norwegians see if they can revive him using a new technique developed by a Russian cryogenics expert visiting the hospital where the body is taken.

To their shock, they revive the guy, and he turns out to be the premiere Roman gladiator of his day, sentenced to death for committing the crime of disrespecting the emperor. He was taken to the furthest reaches of the Empire and sent out to fight the snow and ice with his sword, but a centurion took pity on him and gave him a poison that had a glycerine compound, which kept his cells from rupturing when he was frozen. So he was in hibernation for millenia.

When he awakens, the only person they can find who speaks fluent Latin is a beautiful young Norwegian Catholic nun who is experiencing a crisis of faith. The oil company was illegally drilling, so they assign an American guy to make sure none of this gets out. This man is an ex-college football player who sympathizes with the gladiator as a fellow athlete and someone who completely screwed up his life. The oil-company guy is seriously conflicted about the orders he's been given by his bosses.

All inconceivable hell breaks loose; lives are destroyed; soaring triumphs are achieved; and you care so deeply about the characters that once you read the novel, you never forget it.

When I bought my first copy of The Far Arena, there was a golden sunburst in the upper corner of the cover that said, "Soon to be a major motion picture."

That was in 1978. It would be one the greatest films ever made, and it would earn hundreds of millions.
 
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All was looking well, and then one night in 1996 I found I couldn't focus on the figure I was painting. I ended up getting bifocals, but even with them, I can't focus on anything closer than a foot to my face. I tried using a magnifying ring, but there was a depth-perception problem, preventing me from painting with the accuracy and artistry I did before, and you can't use magnifying rings when you're building a large, complicated model such as an aircraft, ship, or tank.
I'm older than you and have to do a fair amount of detail work in my "real life" as an EE. I normally wear bifocals but also had various single prescription glasses made for different distances as close as 6 inches that work great for depth perception. I also have a binocular microscope. If you want to know how to get any of that cheap PM me :) .
 
I'm older than you and have to do a fair amount of detail work in my "real life" as an EE. I normally wear bifocals but also had various single prescription glasses made for different distances as close as 6 inches that work great for depth perception. I also have a binocular microscope. If you want to know how to get any of that cheap PM me :) .
Thanks very much for the offer. I tried everything for years, and nothing got me back to where I was before. I have other eye issues that prevent me from using the usual magnification devices.

What I'm hoping is that I live long enough for adult stem-cell treatment to fix my peepers so I can go on an orgy of model building. My closet is full of kits I bought in preparation for building entire fleets of aircraft and regiments of soldiers.
 
Tom, you are our Euterpe, our "Giver of Delight" and muse of music. I have read your stories aloud to my wife, a historian (of the inclusive variety) and we've laughed together, both at the unique but simple way you turn a phrase and at the uncomfortably awkward situations in which you always seemed to find yourself. My very best friend is a writer in LA and his stories parallel yours enough for me to know how very true they ring, and I hang on every post waiting for the next gem to appear from the ether. I'm all in. You have a fan, and a reader, for life.
 
Tom, you are our Euterpe, our "Giver of Delight" and muse of music. I have read your stories aloud to my wife, a historian (of the inclusive variety) and we've laughed together, both at the unique but simple way you turn a phrase and at the uncomfortably awkward situations in which you always seemed to find yourself. My very best friend is a writer in LA and his stories parallel yours enough for me to know how very true they ring, and I hang on every post waiting for the next gem to appear from the ether. I'm all in. You have a fan, and a reader, for life.
Thanks very much. My memoirs will be published one way or another, and I'll make sure everyone here knows, since you were the ones who persuaded me to write them.

Maybe I can work out a Talkbass members' discount with the Web site owners...
 
Thanks very much. My memoirs will be published one way or another, and I'll make sure everyone here knows, since you were the ones who persuaded me to write them.

Maybe I can work out a Talkbass members' discount with the Web site owners...

Not good enough... we want royalties!!!! :mad:

Kidding. I will definitely get a copy of your memoirs.
 
What I'm hoping is that I live long enough for adult stem-cell treatment to fix my peepers so I can go on an orgy of model building. My closet is full of kits I bought in preparation for building entire fleets of aircraft and regiments of soldiers.

My plan is too live long enough to have my consciousness transferred to a nice, handsome, indestructable robot body that looks like me at age 30 or so. Not very practicle to base my retirement on this I suppose, but that's the pitfall of listening to too much Rush and prog rock and reading too much classic sci fi by Wells, Dick, Asimov, Clarke, and Heinlein, etc.
 
My plan is too live long enough to have my consciousness transferred to a nice, handsome, indestructable robot body that looks like me at age 30 or so. Not very practicle to base my retirement on this I suppose, but that's the pitfall of listening to too much Rush and prog rock and reading too much classic sci fi by Wells, Dick, Asimov, Clarke, and Heinlein, etc.
Jeez, if I could have an indestructible robot body, I wouldn't pick mine at any age. I look exactly like Tom Cruise--from the neck down. We both have very narrow shoulders and massively wide hips. They usually do a good job of hiding that in his films. Most of the time you see him only from the waist up or from the side. But sometimes he's caught off guard, and it ain't pretty:

http://www.celebitchy.com/120613/tom_cruise_topless_oddly_lumpy_or_fabulously_hot/

Quick L.A. quote:

"I was a singer before I came out here and that's what I was hoping to do when I moved here, but I was really discouraged by the lack of talent among the bands I auditioned with. Also, the people I was dating were like, 'Well, it won't work out if both of us are in a band.' My biggest influence was Tina Weymouth. I read how she just picked up the bass because her boyfriend was a drummer and the band asked her to do it. I thought, 'Well, if she can do it, I can do it.'

"Whenever label people talk to the band, they never want to talk to me, because they think if I'm a girl, I can't know anything about business. They assume, 'Oh, you have blonde hair and you're wearing a dress. I can't talk to you about business!"

"When I moved here, I did it on a whim. I thought I was going to meet all these great musicians, but everyone I ran into was just a joke. People who had instruments they'd gotten at garage sales or who couldn't play at all. This was in the 80s when there were all the hair bands around, with guys wearing lipstick with their hair teased up, and they were totally unable to play their instruments."
 
Here's a name I can mention: I interviewed Herb Gordy, a jazz bassist who'd played with some of the greats. Look him up on YouTube under "Herbert Gordy." He's Berry Gordy's cousin.

Here he is with Earl Bostic:

Earl Bostic - Telstar Drive - YouTube

He arranged for Cab Calloway and Lavern Baker as well.

When I interviewed Herb, he was playing bass in the Royal Street Bachelors at Disneyland. He founded the trio and played with it for 30 years. Since he was such a distinguished jazz bassist as well, I thought Bass Player would let me do a longer feature, but he was "yesterday's news," of course. The short article didn't have some of the more entertaining details of Herb's career. We weren't in the business of entertaining people, since music isn't entertainment. Or something.

In the mid 1940's, Herb--a rare left-handed standup bassist--put phosphorescent paint on the edges of the body and sides of the fretboard of his bass so that when the lights went down, the audience would see a green, glow-in-the-dark outline of the instrument.

Later in the 1940's, Herb played with Tiny (Mac) Grimes and His Rocking Highlanders. Grimes was an electric guitarist who had his all-black band play in kilts and Tam o' Shanters. At different times the band included saxophonist Red Prysock and vocalist/pianist Screamin' Jay Hawkins. They sang open harmonies in the style of the Four Freshmen.

One night at a club in New York, Herb was violently accosted by a drunken Scottish tourist, angry that Herb wore a kilt.

"What clan are ye?" the Scotsman yelled.

Herb had no idea that the tartan pattern or sett of a kilt signifies individual Scottish clans. Being a black American man born in the 1920s, he snapped, "I ain't no Klan!"

"What clan are ye, I said?" the Scotsman shouted again, before the bouncers piled on him and threw him out.

The big break for Tiny (Mac) Grimes and His Rocking Highlanders came one night in Chicago. They were scheduled to play at the Edgewater Beach Hotel and would be followed by Sophie Tucker. The Highlanders would play several 30-minute sets after an opening act. If all went well, the booking agent had other great jobs lined up. Grimes was so excited that he took the edge off by having a few drinks to calm his nerves. He didn't eat anything because he was too nervous.

The opening act consisted of a violinist, an accordionist, and a bassist walking around the diners, playing quietly. While they were performing, the maître d'--a smooth, well-spoken gentleman--approached Grimes and said, "Mr. Grimes, would you please play nothing but soft music during this first set, because this is our dinner hour?" Brush-type music, Herb called it. Always quick tempered, the stressed and now drunk Grimes blew his stack and said, "You don't tell me how to run my G-D group!"

What Grimes didn't know was that in Chicago, the maître d' actually did run his group. He ran everything in the hotel, including the band. Instead of arguing, the maître d' got on the phone to the musicians' union headquarters. As he did so, the Highlanders took to the stage. Grimes plugged in his electric guitar, turned it all the way up, and played "Flying Home" as loudly as he could.

The rep from the musicians' union came and watched. After the first set, he pulled the Highlanders' union cards, paid them for two weeks, fired them on the spot, and sent them packing.

Herb came to California in the mid 1950s. He arrived with Earl Bostic, who bought a home in Los Angeles and opened a restaurant. Bostic’s six-piece band traveled the state nine months out of the year in two Chrysler station wagons. When the nine months were up, Bostic drove the band to Union Station, paid them, and told them to return in three months for the next tour. "Just like we were a baseball team," Herb said. For the ten years that he lived in California, until his death in 1965, Bostic--born in Tulsa, Oklahoma--was pathologically afraid of earthquakes.

Herb told me several stories about Disneyland. He and his two fellow musicians were the only employees allowed to have mustaches. They got their name from Walt Disney himself, who was horrified at the thought of naming them after the awful, debauched, sexy, dangerous Bourbon Street in New Orleans. They were the Royal Street Bachelors instead.

When Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, visited the park, she scared the hell out of everybody because she had a giant security detail of agents from Scotland Yard, the Anaheim Police, and the FBI. The theme park wanted her to go right to Club 33, the private establishment beside the Blue Bayou restaurant and the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. When the Duchess saw the ride, she announced that she wanted to go on it instead and then eat in the Blue Bayou, which set off a panic among her security because they hadn’t cleared any of the area. They ended up hustling her inside and letting her ride one of the boats by herself, the craft in front and the one behind filled with armed security. She then ate alone in the restaurant, surrounded by her guards.

Herb's fondest memory of working in Disneyland was when a British symphony orchestra toured the park. The symphony bassist was a young woman at least six feet, three inches tall. She'd never seen a left-handed acoustic bassist before and asked Herb if she could play his instrument. He handed it over, along with his bow, and she proceeded to play a flawless, right-handed rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee" even though the bass was strung left handed.

"Never seen anything like it," Herb said.

The Disneyland gig resulted in Herb's trio being hired to play at celebrities' private parties all over southern California for almost three decades. Rosalind Russell saw him playing at the park, arranged for him to play at her party the next month, and then died before the party was thrown.

Here's a photo of Tiny (Mac) Grimes and his Rocking Highlanders in their kilts, taken sometime in the late 1940s. Herb Gordy is on the left.
 

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Wow!

It gets better and better.

Thanks so much Tom. This stuff really does need to be in print, I'm glad we convinced you to write it all down.

I get the feeling you would excel at anything to take your fancy.

Diplomacy?
Theoretical physics?
Cookery?

Closer to home...
Radio jock?
Entertainment lawyer?

Just in case the novelist thing doesn't pan out, eggs in baskets, all that jazz.
 
Wow!

It gets better and better.

Thanks so much Tom. This stuff really does need to be in print, I'm glad we convinced you to write it all down.

I get the feeling you would excel at anything to take your fancy.

Diplomacy?
Theoretical physics?
Cookery?

Closer to home...
Radio jock?
Entertainment lawyer?

Just in case the novelist thing doesn't pan out, eggs in baskets, all that jazz.
Thanks very much for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me.

One thing that every musician who'd experienced tough times told me--something that Scott Thunes in particular tried to pound into my head--but I ignored is that if you're going to try and make it in a field as risky, mercurial, and crazy as the entertainment industry, you need a support network. You need to have people who will be your hands, the way Bryan Beller has promised to be mine.

Without such a network, I'm telling you: Don't even try, because it just might kill you.

This time, I have a network. It's small, but that's all I need. I've always traveled light, and I'm still shedding as we speak. I can't remember the last time I commented on a political blog, for example. It was sometime before I started this thread.

For the first time in years, I feel excited and positive about a project. It will be written, and I will make it available to all of you, in thanks for your support. The new publishing paradigm makes it nearly inevitable that at some point you'll be reading the stuff that I've held back because it's not bass related.

And boy, is it nasty.
 
37,000 views and counting. Wow!
Let's get 37,000 more!

An LA. story:

A bassist invited me to a birthday party thrown for him at his friend’s house. It was full of musicians, past and present. I recognized a lot of them. Surprisingly, it was a terribly dull party because the people there were awfully timid and said nothing to me. I was the only one there with facial hair, and this seemed to throw them, as though they were 1950s frat boys seeing their first Beatnik. That, and my K-Mart clothes and my girth. Another characteristic about life in L.A. is that people can talk only about themselves or their mutual acquaintances. If you know neither, you're out of luck. Lots of long, nodding silences and lips compressed in an expression of meaningless understanding.

Not drinking is a definite strike, too. I wanted to tell people that it wasn't a value judgment. It's just that when I drink, I'm going to smoke cigarettes again, which will lead to smoking pot again, and then I’m going to start doing coke and meth again, and in L.A. that means getting hooked up with people like the Crips, MS13, or the Zetas. I'd rather just read a good book.

At one point, the bassist who invited me announced he was going to find me a babe. I almost screamed at him not to. I didn’t mind standing there in silence. These were people I’d never know or like, so why pretend? Thank God he was immediately distracted and forgot about it, because that would've been one of the most humiliating anti-quests ever. The babes, as he called them, were exactly that. Girls. I was already 35 and long past being interested in girls. And what kind of ambitious babe at a party full of L.A. musicians would latch onto a fat, bearded, non-drinking music journalist in a K-mart T-shirt?

I did try to join one conversation: A guy was talking about being a member of a Russian wolfhound rescue society. I didn't know there were so many such beasts being abandoned in L.A. that they needed a rescue society, but I told him about the time I was walking on a beach in Portland, Oregon, at about seven in the morning, and this young woman came strolling toward me. She was friendly and we stopped and chatted. I finally asked her if she felt worried out here alone in the dunes, and she smiled and said no. She whistled, and what looked like a polar bear came tumbling out of the high grass beside us.

I realized it had been paralleling us in silence. It trundled up to me, sniffing at me with its monster head three times the size of my own. Its shoulder came up to my waist.

"What is it?" I asked the woman as this terrifying animal went over every inch of me with its nose.

"He's a Russian bear hound," she said.

"I've never heard of a Russian bear hound," I said to the guy in the Russian wolfhound rescue society. "Have you?"

"No," he said, and turned right back to his companion to talk about their friend Mike. He never even looked at me again.

After a couple of hours of pretending to be a part of other conversations so that the bassist wouldn't feel bad about having invited me, I told him I had to go. His wife gave me a nice long kiss, thanking me, and then the bassist gave me a nice long kiss, thanking me.

When I next spoke to the all-male staff of Bass Player at the NAMM show and mentioned this tidbit, there was the ear-splitting silence that I imagine follows the detonation of a terrorist's fertilizer bomb. All those grown men went a toadstool gray contemplating this image, and someone finally croaked out, "You always have such, um, interesting stories to tell."

I omitted the final detail, that getting kissed by a man doesn’t feel any different than getting kissed by a woman. They’d reached their limit and had begun deliberately shutting me out of their awareness.
 
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I get these same so-called awkward moments at my day job several times daily. Well, used to..

Most of my co-workers are hunters, fishers, boaters and will talk incessantly about good fishing places, rifle this and muzzle loader that. They will pour over nautical maps of the lakes and rivers in our area discussing lake depth temperatures and where the bass lie at times of the day.

They will fumble over these maps as I sit quietly to the side with a degree in Cartography. I once tried to join in as a gesture of camaraderie, but was snubbed. I'm an outsider because I play bass and ride sportbikes. They shoot living animals for sport and ride Harleys.

I let them have their little clique because that's what they need for their own self-validation. It's obvious that their inner circle is their entire existence, and that I simply do not fit in. And to be honest, I'm quite comfortable with that. Very comfortable, actually. I really don't think I could narrow my mind to the degree as some of them, I'd find it suffocating..
 
Well, here's one of my cautionary tales. Not really a bass player story, but I think it fits here.

I learned to play in the Detroit area. I was desperate to learn to play and couldn't find any one that would/could help out in the sterile white 'burbs.

Finally, at age 17, I ran away from home with a topless go-go dancer and wound up in Ypsilanti where I met and became friends with a guy who had been a veteran of the Motown scene. He sat me down and set me straight and in the end hooked me up with some great teachers in Detroit, one of which was the great Don Mayberry.

Anyway, we played in bands in the Ann Arbor area together for a while. Finally I left town and we lost touch for many years. We've reconnected and are fast friends again.

We were talking about how neither of us had "made it". He told me that, when he was in his first year of college, he was asked to join the touring band of a MAJOR Motown artist to tour Europe. This guy was a monster back then and still is a monster and major artist to this day. He turned him down 'cuz he was in school. He told me that all 9 guys that were in that band are now dead.

All of them.

And we're not.
 
No offense meant, Neo: Poring over “Pore” and “Pour”

I just spent an hour writing an 'interesting' post in response to Tom's 'interesting' story post, and my browser just ate it. I'm not happy right now, but I'm not going to dwell on the past. I'm going to move forward and re-write this, without all the digressions that made it 'interesting'.

The 1988 Zappa tour was over, I'd been sitting around spending my money and being morose after the loss of my girlfriend (who dumped me when I told her that a piece of music I was working on was more important than her... Don't ask. I was wrong. Well, maybe...) and lack of gigs (even though I'd just done 6 months with Frank).

During an earlier tour (1984?) I met a German man who later became a 'friend' of mine. He worked as a caterer on this tour but later used his powers of people-pleasing to work for Warwick Basses as an AR guy. He called me up one day and told me A)I should be playing a Warwick. I'll get you one and B) I should come out to the Musik Messe (Europe's equvalent of the NAMM show) on their dime.

"Sure", I said, and asked for $50 so I could get my passport updated. They sent me a ticket, and I flew out to Germany with a single dollar in my pocket. I sat next to Jimmy Earl on the plane and we talked bass for a few hours. It was nice.

I spent a week being wined, dined, interviewed, and getting to share a table with John Entwistle, Doug Wimbish and a couple of other bassists. It was nice. I also met the woman who would become my first wife, but that's a different story.

Doug came up to me and asked me about my 'career'. I told him how difficult it was to get gigs based on my particular skill-set, and how insular the Zappa world was and how they weren't really all that gung-ho on getting their 'people' gigs in the outside world (except for that one time that Frank actually invited an oboist he knew up to the house to meet me [he was a orchestral union-leader who got people gigs all the freaking time]).

Doug told me in response that he had a manager and that she was great and she should meet me so she could give me pointers on what to do about my stalled career.

That night, after another day on the floor of the Musik Messe (where I sat at a wet-bar all day drinking free beer and staring into the pretty eyes of the blonde German woman who would later become my first wife, but that's another story) I found myself at a restaurant with Doug, his manager, and several other bassists, all having just eaten with the owner of Warwick basses on his dime and being served ice cold German beer and having pretty much a grand old time.

One of the things I liked to do when I went to Europe was pick up a bunch of Swiss Army knives (they were cheaper than in the US and in the 80s were starting to come out in other colors than red, such as white and black and green. Very sexy) and Mont Blanc pens. Mont Blanc is famous for their super-expensive pens, but the also make cheaper, normal pens. These pens were beautiful, and I used to get a handful of them as well, bringing them home to give away and keep as many as I could.

I liked these pens so much that I used to talk about them to people. Why? 'Cause I love pens and these were good pens.

So I'm standing next to Doug Wimbish's manager and a French bassist named Pascal and I don't know what I'm supposed to say to this woman, this beautiful African-American woman in a place of power over me, who could control my very existance by her getting me gigs that could change my life, make me rich, make me famous like Doug Wimbish.

So I pull out one of my pens, and I proudly hold it aloft - like the Lion King - and I say "Is it sick to love a pen?"

This angel, this woman - this woman who is probably so interesting in her own life that she tries spending time with us lesser mortals to keep herself humble - turns to the French bassist and says - more to the rest of the world than to either of us - and says, right as I'm kicking into my speech about how awesome this pen is: "What the hell am I listening to?" as she turns on her heels and walks away.

I never saw her again, and Doug and I never spoke after that.

For me, that was one of many formative experiences in the music world. Cutting off my own nose to spite my face, killing my career over a pen.

But more importantly, I learned the neccesity of having a good 'story' at hand to tell people you don't know. I am full of 'interesting' stories, and this is why I will never write a book about my life.

Tom, the word 'never' in the above sentence is hyperbole, and should not be construed as an excuse for you to starting ranting to me about the goddamned book.
 
I get these same so-called awkward moments at my day job several times daily. Well, used to..

Most of my co-workers are hunters, fishers, boaters and will talk incessantly about good fishing places, rifle this and muzzle loader that. They will pour over nautical maps of the lakes and rivers in our area discussing lake depth temperatures and where the bass lie at times of the day.

They will fumble over these maps as I sit quietly to the side with a degree in Cartography. I once tried to join in as a gesture of camaraderie, but was snubbed. I'm an outsider because I play bass and ride sportbikes. They shoot living animals for sport and ride Harleys.

I let them have their little clique because that's what they need for their own self-validation. It's obvious that their inner circle is their entire existence, and that I simply do not fit in. And to be honest, I'm quite comfortable with that. Very comfortable, actually. I really don't think I could narrow my mind to the degree as some of them, I'd find it suffocating..
See, that was the problem for me at Bass Player. It was just the wrong fit for me after the second visionary editor was replaced. I should've had the sense to see that, but for the multitude of reasons I've been blathering about forever now here, I instead chose to try and force reality to change and conform to my desires.

It was the same in the social circles of L.A. When my memoirs are published, you'll see countless moments like the one you described.

It's the same in the military-history community. I'm not an academic or former military man, so I'm not accepted. I don't layer everything with two inches of greasy schmaltz, or insert my oh-so-superior opinions every three lines, or clutch knowledge to my chest, barking "Mine! Mine! Hands off! Mine!" I wrote about flamethrowers because I was fascinated by them and the men who used them; I wanted to collate all that knowledge to preserve it and provide it in convenient, one-stop reference volumes; and I wanted to correct the many misconceptions being published day after day.

"Blasphemy! I denounce you, sir! Have you no decency? Begone!"

My brother put his finger on it years ago: It's tribalism. Most people want desperately to belong to a tribe, because the original purpose of the tribe was to offer a sense of belonging and protection.

The downside of tribalism, of course, is that you have to sublimate your individuality; differences are not tolerated; and you can be shunned or driven out if you transgress the mores. The tribe won't even accept you in the first place if the members see that you're not one of them.

I never wanted to be a member of the Bass Player or L.A. entertainment tribes. I just wanted to have a successful career on my own terms. It wasn't possible.

But I think it's possible now, given the new publishing models. We'll see.

And, I donated a copy of my second flamethrower book to the German Firefighting Museum in Fulda. The director just wrote me back that he's utterly astonished at my accomplishments. He said he's been looking for this information all his life, and it's going to take him weeks to absorb it all. This is a Big Dog in the global firefighting community. They're all history buffs, just like the military. Getting props from him is very gratifying.

So sometimes we hit a home run in terms of people getting what we're trying to do. They acknowledge us without demanding that we join their tribe first.
 
But more importantly, I learned the neccesity of having a good 'story' at hand to tell people you don't know. I am full of 'interesting' stories, and this is why I will never write a book about my life.

Tom, the word 'never' in the above sentence is hyperbole, and should not be construed as an excuse for you to starting ranting to me about the goddamned book.
Oh, please! YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF YOU HATE STORY TELLING!

You said it's the lowest form of communication, just like smiling for photos is equally obscene, equivalent to cancer, "bitter as the cud of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues"!

After all that, after putting me through your monstrous, merciless, testing, pulverizing mill and demanding that I never tell stories--me, a writer!--or smile in photos--me, a lover of glorious smiles!--NOW YOU SAY YOU WON'T WRITE THE BOOK WITH ME BECAUSE YOU'RE SAVING STORIES TO TELL?

Holy God. What next, a collection of photos of you grinning ear to ear? The Book of Scott Thunes Smiles.

Years ago I was sitting on my parents' front porch talking with my mother and my brother. We were all chain smokers in those days, and my father had quit his own five-pack-a-day addiction, so we were puffing away on the porch to spare him, and Dad came out with this plate of gray, shriveled, wrinkled little blobs of flesh and showed them to us.

"What're those?" I asked. They looked like little cooked testicles. I thought with horror they were rocky mountain oysters or lamb balls or something equally ghastly, but his answer knocked me flat.

"Scallops," he said. Since he's from Iowa he pronounces it skawllups. "I made them for dinner."

"But... But you hate scallops," my brother said. It was true. Dad hated all seafood with a visceral, fanatic passion. He went on long anti-seafood diatribes when we lived in Holland (where they eat raw herring) and Norway (where they eat gravlax, smoked cod, and fermented herring). People who ate seafood were perverts.

"I've always loved scallops," said Dad, and my brother and I started to silently tilt in our world, thinking, Wait: He's told us ever since we've known him that he hates seafood, and now he says he's always loved scallops, so did we miss something? Like, maybe our entire lives? Or are we somebody else now? What's happening? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS HAPPENING HERE?

And what absolute p-words Doug Wimbish and his manager were to lose their sh*t over you simply asking if it's sick to love a pen. They didn't spend, what, a total of five, six, seven days with you over our two interviews, as you pulled every single trick from up your sleeve, held me down on the grass, and ground it into my face like you were making grapefruit juice on one of those old-fashioned whatchamacallits with the sharp, fluted part sticking up and the dish to catch the juice. What the hell are those things called? Help me out here, somebody!

"Is it sick to love a pen?"

Gasp! Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! (pitter-pattering sound of little feet running away.)

Forgive me if I don't quite grok how what you said made them freak out. Maybe I'm just inured to you by now, but I don't think you did anything wrong in that situation. I mean, Doug Wimbish is a well-known handful himself, and you'd think the manager of stressed-out professional musicians would know that all you people are a little, um, out of the ordinary.

Or maybe that's your point. Who the heck knows? My world is starting to tilt again.

"Stories are the lowest form of communication. Therefore I must retain an arsenal of stories to tell at the drop of a hat. Now pardon me while I smile for this photo."

I don't understand! I don't understand! I don't understand!

P.S. Okay, now I'm really, really, really upset, confused, upside down, somersaulting through space endlessly, discombobulated, lost, and bereft.

What is that I see on your face? Am I hallucinating? Or maybe that's actually a primal scream of rage caught by the photographer? Hmmmmmm?

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