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Is this proper jam etiquette?

I've done some fill-in work with some open jam house bands. And in the area that the OP is talking about. The players in the North Jersey / NY Hudson Valley area vary greatly in terms of experience, musicianship, technical aptitude and manners. With that in mind any time you're part of the house band and you're providing the backline, you've got to be prepared to work somewhat with the players in attendance. To my way of thinking that has always meant having some flexibility, both from a musical standpoint AND with people using your gear. If you're not comfortable with either of those concepts, then being the house bass player at an open jam probably isn't for you.

Laying down some basic ground rules about using your amp is worthwhile. And when I've been the house bassist I have worked with the guest bass players to get them set up on my own amp. Am I terribly concerned about ALL of my settings? Not really. Because when you're providing the backline there's going to be an expectation that whoever is playing should be allowed to do some basic tone shaping. My concern with how someone was using my amp had to do with two things:
-Is the input gain being overdriven to the point where the amp is clipping?
-How loud are they running the master volume? And could that lead to speaker damage?

As for the OP's story about this one player who was twiddling knobs for 20 minutes? I've seen some people take their time getting set up, but if you're really taking that much time then the jam host will generally just usher you off the stage. Most of the time it seems that the big time holdup is with people who need to set up elaborate effect pedal configurations. Nothing personal, OP, but I'm calling BRAVO SIERRA on 20 minutes of knob twiddling. Or at the very least, wild levels of exaggeration.

Another thing that comes up at jams, which I don't think was touched upon? Having a bass that jammers can play. My main bass these days is the 5 string seen in my avatar. When I play a jam, I'll generally bring a 4 string that I would be okay with a jammer using. In the circles that I've been playing in it seems that everyone understands to bring their own instruments.