It's just hard because I feel like I'm breaking the rules, or not going about it the right way.
I want to respond to this particular point because I think it's important to the issue that you're working on, and also because it resonates with me as something that has held me back.
I don't mean to be pedantic, but I really don't think that there are "rules" in music. I know it's a common expression to say, "learn the rules before you break them", but I really think that "rules" is limiting in this context. I know that there are many other players that are more than fine with wording it this way, but I find it to be really inhibiting. Talking about "rules" implies right/wrong notes, but I really prefer to think about it in terms of consonance and dissonance (or tension and release). I know this is more ambiguous and also more subjective, but it's an important distinction because thinking in terms of the consonance and dissonance encourages listening (and perhaps feel) and pulls us beyond a purely cerebral approach.
Having said that, I absolutely think that applying basic theory can help
predict which combinations of notes are more likely to blend well with the overall chord structure and the other parts, so learning some basic approaches is of
definite value. Knowing the chord/scale tones and using them to derive your bass line are a safer starting point than just randomly playing notes to see how they sound. It would be foolish to ignore the benefit of this kind of knowledge.
Ultimately, I am striving toward a point where the sound of the notes, the theory descriptions, the fingerings on the fretboard/fingerboard, the dots on the staff, and the way the notes I play relate to other players notes, all merge together in my mind to be just multiple ways of thinking about the same thing. I want to be clear on this, it's not an either/or distinction; It's really both/and, or if you prefer, all of the above.
Moving to something more practical, try to change your self-talk from thinking "that note was 'wrong'" to something more like "that sounded more dissonant than I was hoping for". Or instead of saying "yes, I got it 'right'", notice when "those notes sound really good together, in that context". Then attach the theory descriptions to the sounds with thoughts like "that chord tone led well into the next chord" or "that non-diatonic chromatic approach tone really emphasized that change in chords", etc.
-
As always, there are many approaches to playing. I'm just offering my response to your question. As Bruce Lee said, “Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”
