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Joke time

#181
I haven't read every joke on every page, so aopologies if there are a few reposts

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but nobody notices

How do you break a soundguys thumb?
Kick him in the a$$.


A band was enjoying their first time on a big stage. As they're going through their opening song, the lead singer is thinking to himself,"Look at all the hot girls here! I bet I could take any one of them home tonight!" The guitarist was thinking, "Man, look at all these people hanging on my every note. This is amazing!" The drummer is in back thinking to himself, "I can't believe how many people came to this show! And without me back here, everything would fall apart. This is incredible!" And the bass player is standing there thinking to himself, "1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4,"
 
#182
Enjoy:

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
#183
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"



I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.



Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.



The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"



A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.



I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
 
#184
A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor.
The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?"
The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.'
The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend.
Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me.
Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said,
I'd like a huge orange head.'"
 
#185
dbase said:
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"



I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.



Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.



The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"



A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.



I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Click to expand...



All Good :D
 
#186
0hJOYZ9.jpg


:( :rollno: :hiding: :D :bassist:
 
#187
There's a whore house on the top of a hill. One man is approaching; one man is leaving; and one man is inside. From their relative positions can you tell me their nationalities?














Answer: the one approaching he's Russian; the one leaving he's Finnish and the one inside Himalayan.
 
#188
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

Yea, and it was so.
 
#192
So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.
The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
 
#195
Sorry if this is already posted,

A banjo / accordion jazz duo got a new years eve gig.
The owner of the establishment was so happy he fronted them after the gig.
"That was great guys, would you be able to do the next year for the same money?"
"We'd love to,.....can we leave the gear set up??"
 
#197
New Performance Plug-Ins
Tools your band can't be without!

Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. Can also be achieved by ineptitude.

Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that the audience thinks it was the bass player.

Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.

Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.

Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.

Fluff box: Filters out excessive musical substance.

Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and forever.

Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."

Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.

Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.

Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by injecting them with nerve toxins.

Off Switch: Improves the sound of your amplifier.
 
#199
TheOxRocks said:
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

25. One to change the light bulb, and the rest to figure out how John Entwistle would have done it.
Click to expand...

I think I read one like that somewhere (maybe this thread) that went something like this:

How many Bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

25. One to change the bulb and the rest to tell him that a flatwound bulb will produce a much more pleasing, mellow/less bright light.
 

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