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Joke time

#162
A blind guy sitting at the bar asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a blond joke, the guy sitting next to him said " you might not want to till a blond joke, the bartender is a blond, the guy on the other side of you is a blond, the waitress behind you is a blond, and the two people who just walked in are blond". The blind guy said " you're right it's just not as funny when you have to explain it 5 times"
 
#164
A scientist goes on a research expedition deep in the amazon. When he arrives, he is greeted by his guide. While walking through the woods, he notices he can hear drums playing. He asks his guide about them, who simply replies, "when drums stop, no good!" A few days pass and the drumming continues, but the guide keeps saying the same thing, "when drums stop, no good!" After two weeks of constant drumming, the scientist has had enough. He yells at the guide, "what happens when the drums stop?" He replies, "when drums stop, BASS SOLO!"

How do you get a bassist off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
 
#165
Tommygun_ted said:
A scientist goes on a research expedition deep in the amazon. When he arrives, he is greeted by his guide. While walking through the woods, he notices he can hear drums playing. He asks his guide about them, who simply replies, "when drums stop, no good!" A few days pass and the drumming continues, but the guide keeps saying the same thing, "when drums stop, no good!" After two weeks of constant drumming, the scientist has had enough. He yells at the guide, "what happens when the drums stop?" He replies, "when drums stop, BASS SOLO!"
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Beat ya to it :) (first page, 3/4 down) You worded it better tho!
 
#173
For the military inclined:

3 generals are having a meeting when they run out of coffee. They summon a private to make a fresh pot of coffee and one of the generals changes the subject of their conversation to making love with his spouse declaring that it's about 50/50 work vs. pleasure. Another general pipes in that it's closer to 30/70 and the third insists it's closer to 80/20. At this point the first general turns to the private making their coffee and asks him what percentage of making love is work vs. what percentage is pleasure, and the private says by his reckoning it's all pleasure, because if there was any work involved the generals would have called him to do it!
 
#174
Webtroll said:
For the military inclined:

3 generals are having a meeting when they run out of coffee. They summon a private to make a fresh pot of coffee and one of the generals changes the subject of their conversation to making love with his spouse declaring that it's about 50/50 work vs. pleasure. Another general pipes in that it's closer to 30/70 and the third insists it's closer to 80/20. At this point the first general turns to the private making their coffee and asks him what percentage of making love is work vs. what percentage is pleasure, and the private says by his reckoning it's all pleasure, because if there was any work involved the generals would have called him to do it!
Click to expand...

good one, reminded me of this one:
there were two soldiers in the restroom, one marine and guy from the army. the marine started to leave after he finished his business, the man from the army said, "in the army, they teach us to wash our hands!" the marine says, "that's funny, in the marines, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
 
#175
mattbass6945 said:
good one, reminded me of this one:
there were two soldiers in the restroom, one marine and guy from the army. the marine started to leave after he finished his business, the man from the army said, "in the army, they teach us to wash our hands!" the marine says, "that's funny, in the marines, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
Click to expand...
Another good one.

Reminds me of a story a friend of mine told me, a true store to boot!;

My friends father, (retired navy man) and his older brother, (a Marine) jokingly harassed each other about one branch being better than the other, but one day it got a bit heated and the father said;
"Just look at your paycheck, the part where it says "A Department of the Navy"!

The son replies; "Yeah, The men's department"

:D
 
#176
lowsideonacurve said:
Another good one.

Reminds me of a story a friend of mine told me, a true store to boot!;

My friends father, (retired navy man) and his older brother, (a Marine) jokingly harassed each other about one branch being better than the other, but one day it got a bit heated and the father said;
"Just look at your paycheck, the part where it says "A Department of the Navy"!

The son replies; "Yeah, The men's department"

:D
Click to expand...

ZIIIIIIIIIIING!!!:D
 
#178
So a string walks into a bar, the bartender says, "hey! We don't serve strings in here, get out!" The string leaves the bar and goes and sits in the curb outside, all sad and depressed. Then the string gets an idea, he rubs one end of him self on the curb really hard until he starts falling apart, then loops himself around himself several times. He then walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "aren't you that string I just kicked out of here" the string looks the bartender dead in the eye and says, "no sir, I'm afraid not"
 
#180
Okay, the second lamest joke in the thread:

Duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender <use duck voice>

“Got any bread?”

Bartender- “Naw duck, no bread, now hit the road.”

Next day duck comes back- “Got any bread?”

“Naw duck, no bread for you, NOW GET THE EFF OUT, AND DON’T COME BACK!”

Next day duck comes back in “Got any bread?”.

Bartender loses it, “F’IN DUCK, NO, NO BREAD, AND IF I SEE YOU AGAIN I’M GONNA NAIL YOUR F’IN BEAK TO THE BAR!”.

Next day duck comes in again “Got any nails?”

“NO, I GOT NO F’IN NAILS!!!”.

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“Got any bread?”
 

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