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Lesson in respect!

#21
guy n. cognito said:
Honestly, it sounds like you grossly overstepped your bounds as the new guy.

What exactly did she say on stage to disrespect you??
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Considering how she didn't even know how to set up her own pedal board and that I was the only one who knew how to set up the in ear monitor system, I'm not sure why you'd think I overstepped.
I did exactly what we agreed that I would do.

Keep in mind, they had only recorded in a studio. They had never played a show before under this band name and with these songs.
 
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#22
Philly Watts said:
Considering how she didn't even know how to set up her own pedal board and that I was the only one who knew how to set up the in ear monitor system, I'm not sure why you'd think I overstepped.
I did exactly what we agreed that I would do.

Keep in mind, they had only recorded in a studio. They had never played a show before under this band name and with these songs.
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Don't worry, they made a fault, sure. From their perspective, you also may or may not have made the fault of crossing boundaries as the new guy. However, they did not let you know - so, they'd be to blame for being inable to communicate.

In the end, it may be that all had different expectations on each others behaviour; couldn't communicate and seek understanding for each other. Of course, you're to "blame" as well for not being able to forgive them, and solve the dilemma.

Fazit: Whether you reacted wrong or not - who can tell, if not yourself. I'd say all of you contributed to that outcome; be it intended or unintended. But chin up - you did nothing (intentionally) wrong. So, you don't have to blame yourself at all, IMHO. Still, it'd be their right to blame you for not meeting their expectations, just as you might blame them from your point of view, for not having met their expectations. And all are to blame for not communicating each one's expectation.

Aside from that: Feel free to look forward, not backwards. From what I've read you're an awesome and caring band member who deserves awesome, caring band members. \m/
Much success, Happy Easter!
 
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#23
Thanks for everyone's comments and support. Honestly, I wish those guys nothing but the best.

I could have talked it out and made it work with them, but from the perspective of a husband, father, and teacher, I realize how much time I've wasted trying to change people to be good or do the right thing. This was not a situation that was paying my bills either, so it was best to walk away.
 
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#26
The insult, or belittlement, doesn't seem all that insulting or belittling to me. I don't get it. I would have laughed that right off.

The thing with the photographer I do get. But not realizing that a young BL *just might* be a control freak is on you. Surely you had to have some inkling about Mom, too. Something to remember going forward.
 
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#27
I doubt I would quit for the above reasons.

She stumbled introducing you - oops. Either "Big Philly" or "Lil' Philly" on their own aren't terrible stage names.

She apologized about the photographer thing and even recognized that she was misled.

Honestly it sounds like you and her were at a point where you were starting over, only this time she has some appreciation for what you can bring to the table.

Better luck next time.
 
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#28
I can cause the same type of carnage myself and I absolutely do not intend it!

We sound like kindred souls - more than willing to go the extra mile (or ten) to help the band. Always well prepared for rehearsal, always having a capo or drum key in the bag, always on time...etc. I never intend to be overbearing nor do I intend to "take over". Things need doing so I do them, so the band can progress.

Oh how I wish I had the ability to turn this off! There are times I wish I could just show up late, barely prepared, barely contribute to the band and get my check. It's not in me and at my age, it isn't likely to change.

In this case it sounds like you did the right thing - I mean, mom's involved!

Not to overstep my bounds here, but in the future walk a little more softly at the start. I truly believe my musical endeavors would be more enjoyable to me (and probably my bandmates) if I had the ability to just allow "things to happen".

Dang. Am I even on topic?
 
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#31
charlie monroe said:
I doubt I would quit for the above reasons.

She stumbled introducing you - oops. Either "Big Philly" or "Lil' Philly" on their own aren't terrible stage names.

She apologized about the photographer thing and even recognized that she was misled.

Honestly it sounds like you and her were at a point where you were starting over, only this time she has some appreciation for what you can bring to the table.

Better luck next time.
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Yeah, I agree I could have worked it out, but at this point I'm looking for something more professional with less that I need to work on other people and their character issues etc.

Especially when I'm not being compensated in any fashion. If it was a well paying gig, I would probably put up with a considerable amount of bs.
 
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#32
guy n. cognito said:
Huh? Are you a big fella? Do you typically invest this amount of money in equipment in bands before the first gig??
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Dude I'm a short guy, for sure... it didn't bother me at all what she said. What bothered me is that the knock on me came from out of nowhere, for no other reason than maybe she was upset at her own performance (she started the set two beats too early and forgot to tune her acoustic). I don't have time for immature or unprofessional people is what I'm saying.
 
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#33
Renaissance said:
I can cause the same type of carnage myself and I absolutely do not intend it!

We sound like kindred souls - more than willing to go the extra mile (or ten) to help the band. Always well prepared for rehearsal, always having a capo or drum key in the bag, always on time...etc. I never intend to be overbearing nor do I intend to "take over". Things need doing so I do them, so the band can progress.

Oh how I wish I had the ability to turn this off! There are times I wish I could just show up late, barely prepared, barely contribute to the band and get my check. It's not in me and at my age, it isn't likely to change.

In this case it sounds like you did the right thing - I mean, mom's involved!

Not to overstep my bounds here, but in the future walk a little more softly at the start. I truly believe my musical endeavors would be more enjoyable to me (and probably my bandmates) if I had the ability to just allow "things to happen".

Dang. Am I even on topic?
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Great advice! Trust me, I'd love to have been in a situation where I could just do my thing and know that everything was taken care of. Too bad I had to be the guy to have all that responsibility, pull it off with amazing results, and still get attacked.

Btw I'm always that guy with extra batteries and strings and cables too lol
 
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#34
Philly Watts said:
The XR 18 doubles as a killer audio interface and recording device as well. I knew if it didn't work out that I'd have tons of use for it. It has Midas preamps that sound much better than my Focusrite 2i2!
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Also, just so you guys know, she paid me for the guitar pedal I bought her. As far as I'm concerned her and I are on good respectful terms and we handled it like grown ups. I just don't want to be involved with that type of atmosphere.
 
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#36
HolmeBass said:
The insult, or belittlement, doesn't seem all that insulting or belittling to me. I don't get it. I would have laughed that right off.

The thing with the photographer I do get. But not realizing that a young BL *just might* be a control freak is on you. Surely you had to have some inkling about Mom, too. Something to remember going forward.
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If you heard it in context, the way she said it was very condescending. What she actually said didn't bother me much. It was the place it came from in her heart... and believe me, if it were playful how you're thinking it might have been, I would have laughed it off too!

Also, she's a few years older than I am and I'm 31 years old...
 
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#40
Aberdumbie said:
You handled that remarkably well and professionally. I commend you on that. I see it more and more these days with the whole social media phenomenon. Common courtesy often seems lost on people. You sir have put a solid cornerstone in place with your reputation among the working musicians in your area.
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Wow, thanks man! I appreciate your positivity!
 
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