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Lesson in respect!

#41
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#44
Philly Watts said:
Next scheduled practice comes so I explained how I felt and even offered to play the next show before I bow out... She tells me to just leave and that there's no point. She blames her mom and her mom's friend for getting in her head about how I was trying to "take over" the band... Whatever... Thankfully, things ended with a respectful goodbye (she deserves credit for giving me that respect at least).
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I think you're giving her far too much credit. She made no attempt to fix the situation. You were told to "just leave" after all. And she's still blaming her mother and taking no responsibility for what went down.

Make no mistake. She wants you gone. She just isn't going to assume any responsibility for it.

If that's what passes for respect these days among the young uns, they're welcome to keep it.
 
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#45
Philly Watts said:
Even though she apologized I just couldn't allow someone to disrespect me so badly.
...
Thankfully, things ended with a respectful goodbye (she deserves credit for giving me that respect at least).
...
This, very simply, was a lesson in respect.
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With all due respect (heh), this was also a lesson in forgiveness. You said she apologized. You said things ended with a respectful goodbye. Was there spite on her part? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds a lot like insecurity, which is part and parcel with musicians, if we're being honest with ourselves.

Sounds like it's over, but it also sounds like it could've been a great musical experience for you. It's worth giving anyone at least one chance, especially when the only thing that was hurt here was your pride.
 
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#50
What she said wasn't exactly appreciative...and I think if you had've been there you might've been able to assess if it was belitting or not -- tone of voice, and body language have a lot to do with it. It didn't sound overtly belittling to me -- just kind of ambiguous about what she meant.

Anyway, if she had her panties in tight wad over the OP's motivation, then its a leading indicator of what is to come in the future. The woman would just cause drama later on. I've seen it before, and its maddening -- passive agressive behavior, withholding information, turf crap. Life is too short for such people.
 
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#51
IME, dealing with singers is the biggest pain as they think they should "be in charge". A couple of bands ago we had a really good female singer and she was nice and all but there was always this simmering "this is all about me" kind of undercurrent. Towards the end of that band, she insisted that she control the email list and wanted to approve any and all marketing materials I put together (keeping in mind that is what i do for a living, I did send it to everyone before making anything "live" and on a good night I would walk out of a gig with about $20). I started passive aggressively suggesting singing tips to her, which she didnt appreciate. I just said, now you know it feels when someone with no experience with something starts to tell you what to do.
 
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#52
I'd say public humiliation and delusion of power struggle... at the first gig... is a fair reason to walk. WOW. It's a bummer you had to put in so much time and have it fizzle, but yeah, you weren't going to regain the respect you lost for her. Maybe she'll learn from it, the apology was nice, but when the bloom comes off the rose, and falls in a pile of poopie that fast, cut your losses.
 
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#54
It sounds like a bit of silliness all the way around. A little dig on stage and a misunderstanding about getting a business card. It all got a little blown out of proportion. My only advice ( and this is from the heart ) is try to have just a bit thicker skin. Sometimes I get insecure and someone could say something that insults me. But maybe they really weren't trying to be hurtful.
Best bet is to just talk it out. Then they have the chance to explain why they said what they said.
I'm not saying you did anything wrong at all. I may have done the exact same thing but.... I would always rather be gigging.
 
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#56
Philly Watts said:
Have you ever had to stick up for yourself? Show others that you are to be respected?

Recently, I joined an existing pop rock project. I was very into it! They had the songs, which included backing tracks and backing vocals going to front of house. They just didn't have any idea how to run the sound to the front of house and play to a metronome using in ear monitors. Keep in mind that this is a non paying gig... All I was getting out of it was fun times and experience.

I was a natural fit for these guys (one guy drummer, one gal singer/guitar player). We get along very well! It's a bonus that I have a lot of live experience and have been loving to use the Behringer XR18 for running in ear monitors.

I go out and purchase a separate one for this project, get us up and running with an XLR splitter so we can share mic inputs with front of house (MS8000), and even bring a rack to enclose everything. I also bought her a new guitar pedal she needed and let her use my spare pair of in ear monitors... We seemed to be on our way to a good run of fun and awesome shows!

During the very first show, I'm setting up her guitar pedals for her, setting up the rack and board, making friends with the other bands, and talking with the sound guy as well as the stage manager. She's in her car putting makeup on and changing clothes...

We get on stage, the setup worked flawlessly. We are kicking ass out there! I'm very proud of our stage presence.

From there, something very weird happened. When introducing the members during our third song, she basically belittles me in front of everyone. It slipped out of her, seemingly by accident...

I get over it, but don't ever forget. We finish the show, clean up, and after a little while I'm out of there.

Later on I get a text saying "Hey, my mom told me you gave your phone number to the photographer that was there. I'd like to know what's going on with that? I want him to speak with me first."

First of all, this never happened... He liked our set, and so I got his business card with the intent to give it to her, as she was not socializing with the photographer herself. Secondly, I'm thirty one years old... Ain't nobody got time for that!

Now why would anyone in their right mind be so unprofessional, negative, and belittle the person who basically helped set up the entire stage, the in ear monitor setup, backing tracks, backing vocals, and socialized with all people involved?... All so that the said person can look and sound awesome?

Long story, I know, but this is where it ends... After the show, for about a week, I just couldn't motivate myself to even practice the material any longer. Even though she apologized I just couldn't allow someone to disrespect me so badly. I saw it as a red flag... A serious one, at that.

Next scheduled practice comes so I explained how I felt and even offered to play the next show before I bow out... She tells me to just leave and that there's no point. She blames her mom and her mom's friend for getting in her head about how I was trying to "take over" the band... Whatever... Thankfully, things ended with a respectful goodbye (she deserves credit for giving me that respect at least).

Summary:
All I did was give 100% and try to help to the best of my abilities. I took all my stuff and went back home.

They're left without a bass player and need to figure out how to run their own sound from now on. Needless to say, they were shocked!

This, very simply, was a lesson in respect. When you're not Beyoncé or Celine Dion and you're not paying a lot of money to your team, you need to actually respect those who are giving their all to you and your music... Period!
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You did the right thing by splitting pronto. Grace with your presence and professionalism people that appreciate and deserve you. Leave the socially ******** to their own devices. Life is too short.
 
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#57
FirewalZ said:
For new gigs, I stay quiet...under the radar and slowly EARN respect..usually by the following approach.
  • always prepared; I know my parts, your parts, and the arrangement....every tune.
  • always on time or even early, with solid gear and a good tone that fits the gig.
  • I have good ears and a strong singing voice...but I don't throw it in a lead singer's face(they hate that), but they eventually learn that i can sing as good or sometimes better.....and the band eventually starts to rely on my ears.
  • Stay Humble, appreciative and thankful; I am not naturally the outgoing/friendly type, but I really try and work on it.
  • Be friendly to patrons, other musicians and bar staff (tip them well, even with free drinks).
I basically become the one who is consistently solid, dependable, always in the pocket, always on point and in key.....and respect and appreciation usually follows.
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We must make clones, many many clones :-)
 
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#58
Philly Watts said:
"Hey, my mom told me you gave your phone number to the photographer that was there. I'd like to know what's going on with that? I want him to speak with me first."
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Uhh... no. OP does not owe this woman another chance, apology or not. This was not a jobbing gig, and if a BL texted me something that crazy, I'd think long and hard about that next gig even if I were getting paid for it. I'm always surprised at what people on these pages will and won't accept from others. Here's the normal way to say the above:

"Great show! Thanks for all the help! I heard you were speaking with a photographer, please make sure I get an introduction or their contact information in the future, I want to make sure I'm the point person for any PR opportunities, thanks!"

No accusation, no jealousy, clarifying roles... you know, good management stuff. Nobody's perfect, but the actual text she sent was beyond ridiculous. Obviously OP got bad gut feelings about other things too, but that's some pretty pat evidence of a weird enough situation to bug out.
 
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#59
I can't count all the bar gigs I've done in my life and how many bar players I've had the fortune of meeting. Even when the egos were big and people could be general a##hats offstage, once onstage and publicly we always pulled together. No matter how much we fought or disagreed, even if we were furious with each other, a successful gig was the most important mission, and we always tried to hire people with a professional attitude.

You would be the kind of person our band would have loved to hold on to. Being Johnny-On-The-Spot for your own reasons is an excellent work ethic and will take you a long way in life.

Moral of my story if it has one-- work with people who put the gig and public face first over petty insecurities and divisive control from "mommies." You are on the right track. Oh, and one more thing-- guitarist who's in their 30's and still taking mom's directions-- good move on your part to leave, and do yourself a favor: Don't go back!

Good luck!
 
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