Lesson in respect!

[prowla]

If nobody mentioned age, you'd think this was a spat between teenagers.

 

[DrayMiles]

Some people get nervous about their abilities, and since she was the "front person" with a mike, she utilized her power...
You made her nervous with your experience, and she had to talk down/belittle you in order to feel on par... IMO.

It's like the girl that likes you, but instead of telling you, she constantly hits you when your attention is elsewhere...

Yes, I believe it's time to quit... Trix are for kids, and so are games...

That's why I'm being VERY selective about what I'm doing, who I work with, and what I'm playing these days.

 

[Philly Watts]

With all due respect (heh), this was also a lesson in forgiveness. You said she apologized. You said things ended with a respectful goodbye. Was there spite on her part? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds a lot like insecurity, which is part and parcel with musicians, if we're being honest with ourselves.

Sounds like it's over, but it also sounds like it could've been a great musical experience for you. It's worth giving anyone at least one chance, especially when the only thing that was hurt here was your pride.

I agree wholeheartedly with you here, but as I said earlier, I didn't feel as if it were worth moving forward. If it was a well paying gig, I'd work it out.

There were some other issues I hadn't talked about earlier, such as not calling to let me know practice is canceled.

 

[Philly Watts]

It sounds to me like your lizard brain/gut was telling you that it was time to go, regardless of what she would do to make it up to you. Always trust your gut.

Some people feel they are worth more than others, I tend to find these people aren't really worth anything. No big loss, go do something where everyone on the team realizes you're a team.

Exactly! Right on! Very eloquent and succinct way of putting it. Thank you!

 

[Philly Watts]

I'd say public humiliation and delusion of power struggle... at the first gig... is a fair reason to walk. WOW. It's a bummer you had to put in so much time and have it fizzle, but yeah, you weren't going to regain the respect you lost for her. Maybe she'll learn from it, the apology was nice, but when the bloom comes off the rose, and falls in a pile of poopie that fast, cut your losses.

Perfect way of looking at it, lol

 

[Jughead6]

Firstly, musicians are a weird bunch. Embrace it. Secondly, what was so insulting about what she said? Thirdly, demanding respect is a contradiction in terms.

In the early part of your story it sounded like you were having a great deal of fun, so I can't help but think quitting was an over-reaction.

 

[brianrost]

I was in a folk band where the leader felt the members were "taking over the band". We were starting to get gigs at prestigious festivals and see some decent money coming in when suddenly the bookings dried up. It turned out the leader simply stopped all booking activity and waited for people to quit.

First we lost one percussionist because he was a full time pro and needed to gig. I bowed out after that because another band I was in was starting to get more gigs. The first show after I left, the leader had a fistfight with the other percussionist claiming he was trying to be louder than the leader in the mix. With the percussionist gone, the female vocalist walked as well. Our CD which was being mixed was never completed and the leader had to refund all the money raised by crowdsourcing.

It was probably the most disappointing band experience I have ever had.

 

[Philly Watts]

Firstly, musicians are a weird bunch. Embrace it. Secondly, what was so insulting about what she said? Thirdly, demanding respect is a contradiction in terms.

In the early part of your story it sounded like you were having a great deal of fun, so I can't help but think quitting was an over-reaction.

Like I've said before, if the band had many gigs to play (they don't) and were paying well (they don't pay), I wouldn't have left... Fact is, it was going to cost me money to play in that band and that's not worth it. Especially when stuff like this happens.

 

[StraffordMike]

There is confusion these days. I just left a band. The confusion is. They ask you be in the band, but they just want a bass player. They didn't want a fellow band member. You thought. I have knowledge. I can help. They thought. Shut up and just play bass.

Been there, done that!

 

[James Collins]

Like I've said before, if the band had many gigs to play (they don't) and were paying well (they don't pay), I wouldn't have left... Fact is, it was going to cost me money to play in that band and that's not worth it. Especially when stuff like this happens.

I just can't believe you tried to take over a band on the first gig! Shame on you! j/k

I really don't understand why a band needs to have a single person in charge. It is supposed to be a group of people with one common goal to help each other have fun playing music.

 

[two fingers]

I need to back up a step. Seriously, I'm confused.

What would be the point of "taking over" a non-paying-gig band? Power over one's peers and community notoriety?

(.....he types while trying not to laugh out loud....)

 

[john_g]

Like I've said before, if the band had many gigs to play (they don't) and were paying well (they don't pay), I wouldn't have left... Fact is, it was going to cost me money to play in that band and that's not worth it. Especially when stuff like this happens.

Hey this is TB...your going to get a ton of <Sam Elliot Voice>"A man with integrity does the right thing (footage of a cowboy rounding up cattle) and follows through to the end because he has to look at himself in the mirror at the end of the day. And drinks Coors the Banquet Beer" </Sam Elliot Voice> BS. No, OP, you did the right thing. Huge red flags at the first gig is a good indicator of things that would follow.

 

[FunkBear]

Good for you, not taking people's crap. I'm in a band that is writing originals and early on our RG comes up to our singer with some notes and was like "I showed my friend the song and lyrics and he gave me these notes." I overheard and walked over to give him the business before the singer could. I'm all for being open to criticism but the way it was approached was a problem; his friend is not involved in the band in any way and his notes were crap as well (his friend is not a musician in any sense).

 

[HolmeBass]

If you heard it in context, the way she said it was very condescending. What she actually said didn't bother me much. It was the place it came from in her heart... and believe me, if it were playful how you're thinking it might have been, I would have laughed it off too!

Also, she's a few years older than I am and I'm 31 years old...

Well good riddance. Being that old and still having mom in the management mix is a bit on the odd side, but the real deal breaker is instead of adding perspective and insight mom just seems to be fanning the crazy. So leaving makes a lot of sense.

Good luck in your future endeavors.

 

[Michael Schreiber]

I just wanna take a stand for all parents who are reasonably supporting their kids, whatever age they might be: \m/
I can't see what would be wrong with that - vice versa, I'd find it odd, if parents would not support their kids.
As long as they don't overdo it, that is

 

[Ox Boris]

It sounds like you gave up an awful lot of positives for one mistake, that was explained and contritely apologised for.

From there, something very weird happened. When introducing the members during our third song, she basically belittles me in front of everyone.
Now why would anyone in their right mind be so unprofessional, negative, and belittle [me, after all I'd done for her].
Even though she apologized I just couldn't allow someone to disrespect me so badly.
This, very simply, was a lesson in respect.

it didn't bother me at all what she said

Make your mind up.

You sound massively cut, yet deny it, but you're leaving anyway? If I were in the band, I'd be thinking I dodged a bullet.

 

[mellowinman]

When ANYONE's mom is in the picture, you are either in high-school or someone needs more meds.

No one asks if the mom was attractive. I hate this board.

 

[guy n. cognito]

There's several things to be learned from this experience:

1. Don't over commit in a new band. Before spending over $1,000 on gear to fix their (perceived) problems, give it a few months. Play a gig or five. Make sure your position is secure.
2. Know your place. Are you a side man coming into an artist gig? Are you on "probation" until the new members decide if they like you? If you cant tell, ask.
3. Don't assume your efforts (beyond playing bass) are wanted or appreciated. If you jump in too soon, you may come off like the guy asking for marriage on a first date.
4. Ask how AR and media is handled. More a concern for originals, but most side guys know better than to interject themselves in these things.

Being a Type A personality, I tend to try to jump in and fix things where I see a problem. Some of these lessons I learned the hard way. It's a learned skill to allow yourself to sit back and get the lay of the land for some of us.

 

[Jimmy4string]

I hope your next project is great. You seem to have a lot to offer a band.

 

[Nickweissmusic]

It sounds like you gave up an awful lot of positives for one mistake, that was explained and contritely apologised for.



Make your mind up.

You sound massively cut, yet deny it, but you're leaving anyway? If I were in the band, I'd be thinking I dodged a bullet.

Massively cut? Certainly one doesn't vent if they're not somewhat irritated and disappointed, but there are degrees here. I didn't get the impression of someone who'll need therapy to process this trauma.

Why must someone have completely binary feelings about something? The OP explained he doesn't really know what the singer meant when she was messing with his name, but it didn't feel right. That, coupled with some other red flags, led to a decision.

The band dodged the bullet? The bullet of a helpful guy with good gear? Even if the OP is the conniving usurper of a band that never played before, I'd still call it a win/win, seeing as the OP doesn't have to be watched over by/ awkwardly run into the singer's mom at the next gig. And pay for the pleasure by the way.

I can't quit this thread, entertaining stuff!