Looking for Love Advice

[bluewine]

Not Good, but I am one of those guys that got dumped for a chic. Weird

Same thing happened to me. Exactly.

It was going great, then BAM, I'm a single man and she's with another guy. She broke up with me, wouldn't consider talking about it, and I loved her so much I was willing to work to fix it, but she wouldn't have it.

Needless to say, we still go to school together and run into each other on occasion. Both her and her new boyfriend avoid eye contact like the dickens and think they're getting to me. But instead, I laugh at how juvenile they're being and I've moved on.

Chin up bud, you don't want to be with a girl like that anyway. I know I'm a lot better off at the moment and couldn't be any happier about it.

 

[bluewine]

"Drop her like a hot potato"

Awesome advice

I moved on when I got divorced, 6 months later. We showed up at the same party together, I was with my new 26 year old girl friend, I'm 56. Sweet!

 

[jumbosilverette]

It's great that you had as good relationship with her for as long as you did, but you'll get over this. It's a good learning experience and let me tell you, between your current age and mine (52) you're gonna meet a lot of women, many good, some great, and at least one that's really gonna break your heart. This girl is doing you a favor, especially if she's the type that likes a-holes. Don't be surprised if she crawls back to you in a year for comfort between abusive bf's. Whether you show her any sympathy is your own call. Enjoy being 20, dude.

 

[Baryonyx]

Dude, I've been DIVORCED twice now.

Now that is a tough time, soldier!

 

[D.Don]

So my girlfriend of a year and a half, who I love to death, decided over this last week to break up with me. Her reason was that she doesn't love me like she used too... she doesn't think she is in love with me anymore. She also wants to date other people and see if the love we had was really what she thought it was. She has dated other people before, but the guys were huge douchebags. She always thought it was weird that she fell in love with the first nice guy she dated.

What sucks the most is I genuinely didn't see it coming... I thought everything was good well. I mean... I knew something was wrong with her recently, but I had no idea it was anything this serious.

The thing is, at this point, I want to be able to at least be friends with her if I can't date her anymore, because not only do I love her, but she is my best friend. Because of this, I want to not push her and fight her for our relationship... but on the other hand... this is the person I love most in the world... and I am just letting her go... I don't know if I can do that... I want to be strong and let her do what she needs to do, but this is killing me on the inside. I have been a wreck for the last week. I feel hollow and empty.

I've talked to a lot of friends about this, one girl in particular who has been a friend for a while. She was dating my best guy friend for 2 years and then they broke up for a similar reason and things went really bad after they broke up and now they hate each other. So I have been looking to her as to not let that happen with me and my girl. She keeps telling me not to confront her about this, and let her do what she needs to... but what about what I need?

So, basically I am looking for advice on what to do... talk to her... or don't talk to her... AND in the end, it's gonna make you feel great that you are the one who have the pants on!!

Thanks for listening...

Tell her that you are fine with the decision, but that you never want to see her, or talk with her again, ever, not scream, not being rude, just plain honest and nice.

I give it 2 weeks MAXIMUM, then she'll come crying and wanting you back.

They are like kids, you say one thing, they do the opposite. And in this case, it's gonna annoy here that you actually now "dump" her instead of she dumping you... you are in control, they love that... AND in the end, you are gonna feel GREAT being the one with the pants on here!!

(I have tried this with a sheila that dumped me after 4 years together, she come crying after 8 days... pity for her I didn't want her back, I have trust issues, and if you let me down for real, there's not a lot left for you in me...)

D.Don

 

[bluewine]

[QUOTE=jumbosilverette;"Don't be surprised if she crawls back"

Jumbo, I'm 56, I never experienced this "crawling back" thing?

 

[tasty sweeps]

situations like that i like to keep a little tune in mind;

"just between us, i think it's time for us to recognize
the spaces in between leave room for you and i to grow."

leave the light on for her if that's what you choose, but don't squander the time you've been given to explore the 'single you'. that's an age where you can compromise quite a bit of yourself for a relationship. and that is not good. find out if that's something you've been doing, for yourself.

 

[Dfinch]

What you're dealing with is totally common and totally normal. I'm about to turn 40 and I'm the poster child for "nice guy".

You're both young. When you're young you have your priorities screwed up and you do stupid stuff (this phase repeats itself about every 10 years). What she's telling you is a clue to where her immaturity is coming from.

"I don't love you like I used to" = I'm bored. I thought I wanted a nice, stable guy but my youthfulness is craving excitement and risk.

"I don't think I'm "in love" with you anymore" = I don't want you to hate me, but I want the freedom to check out that greener grass.

"I want to date other people and see if the love we had was what I thought it was" = I'm selfish, want to screw other people, but just in case it turns out to be a huge mistake I want to be able to come back, tell you that our love WAS what I thought it was, and slide right back into the comfort and security that is provided by the typical "nice guy". By keeping this door open I get to have my cake and eat it too, and I don't really care how badly your heart is broken in the meantime.

"I always thought it was weird that I fell in love with the first nice guy I dated" = My immature side likes drama and excitement, but part of me knows that eventually I will want security and predictability. Not wanting to let that get away, I grabbed onto it. Now I'm bored, because it happened too early in life, so now I want to go back to playing the field and I'm trying to keep the door open to coming back later.

My advice, that you won't take (because none of us do), is to let her go and don't look back. You may very well become friends again down the road, but right now you will not think clearly because of your feelings for her. Don't be a doormat. She's spoken loud and clear. Let her go.

Take advantage of the freedom that this will bring. Don't define yourself by your relationship.

You WILL get over it. Sometimes it takes a long time. In one case with me it took years. Now I look back and make fun of myself about how I suffered for someone who was an absolute mistake. The faster you can start taking care of yourself instead of worrying about her and what she's doing, the faster you will find happiness again.

 

[bryan bailey]

put on jailbreak and lift weight.

 

[bluewine]

situations like that i like to keep a little tune in mind;

Tasty, I realize this guy is only 20 so it really doesn't matter, however this is when he should learn to play "hard ball."

"spaces in between leave room for you and i to grow"

Yeah, a space for her to grow into this other dudes bed, now way.

 

[D.Don]

situations like that i like to keep a little tune in mind;

Tasty, I realize this guy is only 20 so it really doesn't matter, however this is when he should learn to play "hard ball."

"spaces in between leave room for you and i to grow"

Yeah, a space for her to grow into this other dudes bed, now way.

She's not the only thing growing in that bed now...

SORRY, couldn't resist that one!



D.Don

 

[bluewine]

put on jailbreak and lift weight.

Nice one!

And another thing, if you ever make it in the "biz" and some roady comes up to you and says theres some chic that says she knows you. Tell the roady to tell her your busy , but that you will get in touch. Sweeeet!

 

[bluewine]

I hope I don't seem like a jerk, because I remember being 20 and having some other guy take my "A" away from me and I was am emotional nut case.

 

[James_B]

Man, I don't care. It's so hard to move on in the middle of winter with no money and school work up the bum.

 

[Gard]

situations like that i like to keep a little tune in mind;

"just between us, i think it's time for us to recognize
the spaces in between leave room for you and i to grow."

leave the light on for her if that's what you choose, but don't squander the time you've been given to explore the 'single you'. that's an age where you can compromise quite a bit of yourself for a relationship. and that is not good. find out if that's something you've been doing, for yourself.

Tasty, I believe if you read the entire lyric in context, you figure out that isn't what Peart was trying to say at all. I believe he was referring to "space" in a healthy relationship (friendship, love interest), not at breaking up with someone! I believe that THIS selection from his lyric writing is most accurate to the present situation:

(from "Emotion Detector")

"Sometimes our big splashes
Are just ripples in the pool"

Dfinch has given the best, most articulate advice here, along with very accurate scenarios to illuminate it.

To the OP: Just move on. You'll be happier in the long run, it may take a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but you'll be better off if you do that NOW. Don't even look back.

Hard, I know, but for your own sanity, do NOT repeat the mistakes I made during my first divorce, and instead try to follow the example of my second.

 

[Handyman]

your 20. there's more love to be had. I agree with Alembic and Bary. she's probally already got a new man. I would suggest tagging a few of her friends if possible.

I wish I listened to you guys back in my single days. I would have at a lot more fun.

 

[bluewine]

I wish I listened to you guys back in my single days. I would have at a lot more fun.

I know, seriously, if I was 20 I'd be tappin everything I could get my hands on. This is a good thing not a bad thing.

Keep in mind I have never been in love so what do I know.

 

[Happynoj]

So my girlfriend of a year and a half, who I love to death, decided over this last week to break up with me. Her reason was that she doesn't love me like she used too... she doesn't think she is in love with me anymore. She also wants to date other people and see if the love we had was really what she thought it was. She has dated other people before, but the guys were huge douchebags. She always thought it was weird that she fell in love with the first nice guy she dated.

What sucks the most is I genuinely didn't see it coming... I thought everything was good well. I mean... I knew something was wrong with her recently, but I had no idea it was anything this serious.

The thing is, at this point, I want to be able to at least be friends with her if I can't date her anymore, because not only do I love her, but she is my best friend. Because of this, I want to not push her and fight her for our relationship... but on the other hand... this is the person I love most in the world... and I am just letting her go... I don't know if I can do that... I want to be strong and let her do what she needs to do, but this is killing me on the inside. I have been a wreck for the last week. I feel hollow and empty.

I've talked to a lot of friends about this, one girl in particular who has been a friend for a while. She was dating my best guy friend for 2 years and then they broke up for a similar reason and things went really bad after they broke up and now they hate each other. So I have been looking to her as to not let that happen with me and my girl. She keeps telling me not to confront her about this, and let her do what she needs to... but what about what I need?

So, basically I am looking for advice on what to do... talk to her... or don't talk to her...

Thanks for listening...

About 8 months ago I parted ways with a girl I had been with for 3 years. We had both seen it coming, and we both knew that it was the right thing to do. Before we went to uni, everything seemed perfect. While we were at uni, things were changing. She changed quite a bit, while I (as my friend put it the other night) 'mellowed out'. Breaking up sucked more than anything in the world, because neither of us wanted to lose what we had, but we both knew that it was for the best.

I was convinced that I still loved her, but I think that I loved the girl that she used to be. She said pretty much the same stuff to me that your ex said to you - hope we can still be friends, I want the chance to see other guys while I'm still young, blah blah blah... The seeing other guys thing seems to be working out for her - I don't know what's going on, but I know more than I need to.

The friends thing? Well, for a few months after the breakup we got together every 3 or 4 weeks, had coffee, chatted about what was going on in our lives, all that stuff. I last spoke to her properly in October. I saw her at Christmas, and although we were around each other for several hours (we went busking together), we didn't really talk properly about anything. The whole time she seemed like she was annoyed at me, although I couldn't think of anything that I had done to aggravate her.

Then we saw each other again at a New Years party. We barely said 2 words to each other the whole time - it felt like she was ignoring me, and I tried to speak to her a couple of times, but she just gave me short answers and then moved away, and it almost seemed like every time I moved even vaguely in her direction, she found somewhere else to be. I didn't understand what was going on, and when I said goodbye later on she was really cold to me. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since then, and I don't care. Right now I don't care what/who she is doing, and it feels quite liberating.

My advice to you is that you shouldn't work too hard at being friends - don't go out of your way to meet up, don't force conversation. Sure, meet up for coffee or whatever, but don't get hung up about being her friend, because things between you are never going to be the same. You'll make small talk about uni/work/weather/whatever, but she isn't going to talk to you about anything personal at all, and I can't think of any of my good friends who I can hang out with and just talk about uni or work - that is 'acquaintance' stuff - people who you know, but don't REALLY care about.

So get on with your life, say hi to her, but don't worry too much about actually being her friend - if it's possible then it will happen naturally, if its not possible then you will just force things to become awkward.

EDIT: Sorry for the stupidly long post.

 

[Baryonyx]

"Sometimes our big splashes
Are just ripples in the pool"

Quoting Rush's second best album is cool.

 

[Sir Edward V]

Hi.

My philoshophy about love is that if You love someone enough, you care more about their happiness than your own selfish needs.

If You truly love someone, you can let them go.

Just my 0.02€
Sam

That's what I am trying to do... I really do want her to be happy...

This is true. She's probably been getting some on the side for a while now and she's just looking to cut her baggage so she can commit to her new man full time.

You're better off leaving this one.

your 20. there's more love to be had. I agree with Alembic and Bary. she's probally already got a new man. I would suggest tagging a few of her friends if possible.

Seriously... Don't talk about her like that. I know she would never have done anything while we were dating.

Man, I don't care. It's so hard to move on in the middle of winter with no money and school work up the bum.

+1