married guys i need your help

[Ed Fuqua]

I think the hilarious thing is gonna be when she does find out (and she will) is that, since they are "friends", Married Guy is gonna be trying to get his money back...

 

[beyondhairy]

I think the hilarious thing is gonna be when she does find out (and she will) is that, since they are "friends", Married Guy is gonna be trying to get his money back...

either that or single guy has new room mate lol

 

[teedub]

He needs to man up and discuss it with his wife, and honestly.

If he's hiding stuff like that, the marriage is doomed.

+1000. No secrets, ESPECIALLY regarding finances. My wife's always very supportive with my bass-related purchases (that are warranted and affordable).

 

[Bluesdog]

I never read anything so funny as this thread, Tell me you're all kidding, please.

I only been married for 25 years but I think its about 'trust'. ; My wife 'trusts' me enough that if I or we need a new car even, I go and buy it , a new TV , I go and buy it, a new house , I go and buy it,...... well ok we have a thing about houses she does come and help out on that one.

The point is , she trusts me to spend our money , same as I trust her to spend it , I never question her on a decision she makes and she never questions me, we respect each others ability to make informed decisions and know what will be best for ourselves and each other.

If it ever got to the point where we had to 'discuss' a purchase , I think I'd turn to hard liquer, and the girl probably would too.

 

[guy n. cognito]

I never read anything so funny as this thread, Tell me you're all kidding, please.

I only been married for 25 years but I think its about 'trust'. ; My wife 'trusts' me enough that if I or we need a new car even, I go and buy it , a new TV , I go and buy it, a new house , I go and buy it,...... well ok we have a thing about houses she does come and help out on that one.

The point is , she trusts me to spend our money , same as I trust her to spend it , I never question her on a decision she makes and she never questions me, we respect each others ability to make informed decisions and know what will be best for ourselves and each other.

If it ever got to the point where we had to 'discuss' a purchase , I think I'd turn to hard liquer, and the girl probably would too.

Your missing the point. I would imagine that your trust would be violated if you went and spent thousands of dollars, then HID the purchase from your wife, right? If not, then what you have is not trust, but something else entirely.

 

[Bluesdog]

Your missing the point. I would imagine that your trust would be violated if you went and spent thousands of dollars, then HID the purchase from your wife, right? If not, then what you have is not trust, but something else entirely.

No, I'm not missing the point,
An example would be when my son's car died and he was at Uni, I took him out and bought him a cheapie to get around in, now i didn't 'hide' it from her, but I didn't tell her either and I know she wouldn't want to see the young bloke stuck in the city without transport either.And she wouldn't want to worry about it.

Maybe I just think differently , running my own business, or maybe its the Aussie way of doing things, we dont talk we just do stuff.

My point was actually that ; if the bloke wants to buy that amp , and he buys it . . . . she should support that, and trust that he knows what he's doing,

 

[guy n. cognito]

No, I'm not missing the point,
An example would be when my son's car died and he was at Uni, I took him out and bought him a cheapie to get around in, now i didn't 'hide' it from her, but I didn't tell her either and I know she wouldn't want to see the young bloke stuck in the city without transport either.And she wouldn't want to worry about it.

Maybe I just think differently , running my own business, or maybe its the Aussie way of doing things, we dont talk we just do stuff.

Again, here is what was said by the original poster:

the problem is while he can afford it, he is trying to figure out a way to "hide" the fact that he is spending a thousand dollars on a rig from his wife

This guy is looking for a way to hide this purchase from his wife. Did you intentionally deceive your wife about the car purchase? Not having to discuss it and intentionally hiding are two different things. For example, I just spent $1,000 on a new bass. I didn't discuss it with my wife, but I also didn't hide the bass from her, either.

 

[Cherry Black]

No, I'm not missing the point,
An example would be when my son's car died and he was at Uni, I took him out and bought him a cheapie to get around in, now i didn't 'hide' it from her, but I didn't tell her either and I know she wouldn't want to see the young bloke stuck in the city without transport either.And she wouldn't want to worry about it.

Maybe I just think differently , running my own business, or maybe its the Aussie way of doing things, we dont talk we just do stuff.

My point was actually that ; if the bloke wants to buy that amp , and he buys it . . . . she should support that, and trust that he knows what he's doing,

I agree with you 100%. Unless it's something that both parties will use (ie a sofa, computer, or other "homey" stuff) what is there to discuss? If you have the disposable income for it, and that income isn't soley provided by the other person, then what's the problem?
I still can't understand what right someone would have to deny their partner a rig/bass when there is no legitimate reason.

 

[Diggler]

There is a difference between HIDING the fact that he's buying the rig, and just going out and buying it because he has the money for it.

Best thing: Discuss with wife, buy.

Neutral: Just go out and buy it without discussing, but don't hide the purchase. This would be OK if there is disposable income available to each spouse to use as they see fit, no questions asked. Otherwise, it's irresponsible and disrespectful if you normally discuss large purchases and you don't for this one, but at least you're not involved in an ongoing deception.

Bad thing: Buy the rig and lie about it or hide the fact that you paid for it from the wife. This is just blatant dishonesty, and you're less of a man for it.

 

[Cherry Black]

Personally I think she's less of a woman for putting him in the situation where he'd have to be dishonest. It's a marriage, not a dictatorship.

 

[guy n. cognito]

Personally I think she's less of a woman for putting him in the situation where he'd have to be dishonest. It's a marriage, not a dictatorship.

Maybe they don't really have the money. Maybe he already has half a dozen rigs. Maybe they need the money for bills, or savings. Maybe he is very irresponsible with money (seems likely since he's hiding major purchases.) Who knows. All we do know is that this guy is trying to hide this purchase from his wife, which leads one to believe that he's doing something he shouldn't be doing.

 

[Diggler]

Personally I think she's less of a woman for putting him in the situation where he'd have to be dishonest. It's a marriage, not a dictatorship.

Then he needs to stand up for himself and make himself more equal in the relationship. If he lets himself be pushed around, then it's still his problem, not hers. Nature abhors a vacuum, and if there isn't an attempt to equally share in the decision making, then someone has to be in charge. Doesn't sound like it's him.

I find your first statement false; he doesn't HAVE to be dishonest. He is choosing to be dishonest, which is the short-term easy way out. He either doesn't have the balls to discuss this particular purchase with his wife, or he doesn't have the balls to discuss potentially bigger marital problems with his wife (lack of parity in decision-making).

 

[Delberthot]

Okay, here's what I do:-

I play semi-professionally in 3 different bands regularly so need good reliable gear. My wife knows that the money I make goes towards holidays and other extra stuff for the both of us (minus tax obviously)

I know that I can comfortably buy something new as long as we can afford it. My wife still occasionally hits me with the "can I buy those shoes I saw since you're spending £1000 on new gear?" which I don't mind

 

[MikeBass]

Paging TomBowlus!!

Actually, a friend of mine has a neat saying:
"It's easier to say your sorry, than it is to ask for permission"!

 

[bassguitar]

They need to talk about it. Period. We don't know the entire situation, so like others have said, maybe he's got a bunch of rigs already, maybe he doesn't have a job, etc.

She'll come around I'm sure.

 

[MJ5150]

Any update on your buddy Dave? I gotta believe this thread went down a road you never planned on. It looks like you are among quite a few smart married guys who would rather have a happy marriage than new gear. Count me as one of those. My wife and I talk about all kinds of things, including money we spend. Your buddy should try it in this case.

-Mike

 

[Phil Smith]

Any update on your buddy Dave? I gotta believe this thread went down a road you never planned on. It looks like you are among quite a few smart married guys who would rather have a happy marriage than new gear. Count me as one of those. My wife and I talk about all kinds of things, including money we spend. Your buddy should try it in this case.

-Mike

There is no one size fits all, maybe you're in a marraige where this is what you need to do to keep it a happy marraige, and that's cool, but don't think for a moment that it's the only way. There are also couples that have the freedom to buy want they want without having to ask the other partner as a few people have already indicated in this thread. Perhaps it's a class perspective, if you're a business owner your perspective about money may be different than if you're working a regular job for someone else. The amount of discretionary income you have will also shape your views about money, where and how you spend it.

The people that talk about hiding stuff from their wife, partner, whatever, IMO, don't really have the freedom to make their own choices because of the dynamic that's set up in the relationship and everyone has their own idea of what marraige is and what it is not. These people have made the choice to be in these relationships and have traded off one thing for another. It's like the guy that likes X activity but falls in love with a woman that doesn't want the guy doing XY or Z. He gives up XY and Z hoping for the greater good and that the need and desire for XY and Z will be satisfied by the relationship. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it's irrelevant.

 

[MJ5150]

There is no one size fits all, maybe you're in a marraige where this is what you need to do to keep it a happy marraige, and that's cool, but don't think for a moment that it's the only way.

My comments go beyond talking about buying things, as I said. Communication between marriage mates is vital.

-Mike

 

[Phil Smith]

So what happens if you go to pay for junior's car and find that your wife spent the money on something she wanted without telling you?

Communication is what prevents just those kinds of "surprises"...

You assume that he's not in touch with his finances, had the cash in hand, had his own account with the money in it, etc, etc.

 

[Phil Smith]

I find your first statement false; he doesn't HAVE to be dishonest. He is choosing to be dishonest, which is the short-term easy way out. He either doesn't have the balls to discuss this particular purchase with his wife, or he doesn't have the balls to discuss potentially bigger marital problems with his wife (lack of parity in decision-making).

When your wife asks you does she look fat, do you answer yes?