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My new Invention, "The Mojo Kit."

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by dasbusking, Jan 12, 2013.

  1. I love the look of the road worn Fenders but I come from the play it to wear it camp, unfortunately thanks to the modern materials used in today's instruments you would have to play your new bass or guitar for a hundred years to get the mojo of a well used 70's era piece. Enter the Inventor's mind I have developed the concept for the four piece Mojo kit, now it will be possible to naturally get the road worn look simply by using your guitar or bass while using my patent pending accessories.

    #1.) The Rash-Master belt buckle.
    You wear pants while you play,don't you? How do you hold these pants up? If you answered Suspenders you probably wont buy my kit anyway, but if you answered A belt this product is for you! It is called the Rash-Master belt buckle. With 365 small sharp randomly placed points this buckle will create a years worth of belt buckle rash on the back side of your instrument each time you use it. After 40 uses the back of your bass will look like a bass played since the 70's by a Rodeo Champion.

    #2.) The Sandpaper Sports-coat
    Hey its Winter time here in the good old U.S.A. so you need to wear a jacket, why not add a touch of class and wear my newly designed Sandpaper Sports-coat. The Sandpaper Sports-coat is a classy casual gentleman's sports-coat with interchangeable sandpaper pads attached by Velcro to the right sleeve and the belly area. Replacement sandpaper pads can be purchased in various grit levels to custom tailor (bad pun intended) you sports-coat to your desired wear level. Optional shop-vac attachment will keep the stage floor at gigs free of sanding dust.

    #3.) The Relic-Case
    It is always a good idea to carry your instrument in a hard case to keep it from getting accidentally damaged, but a real road worn instrument will have its share of bumps and bruises, enter the Relic-Case. The Relic-case is an instrument hard-case with a built in Random latch trapdoor mounted in the bottom. The beauty of this case is the microprocessor controlled ground penetrating radar. It would be a waste of your time if the case randomly dropped your bass on the three inch thick stinky shag carpet at the rehearsal room, that's why we have installed sensors to detect ground conditions hard enough to give you instrument real mojo. Drop the Bass more often than Shrillex with the Relic-Case

    #4.) Mojo-Mounts
    The other accessories in my kit address the wear typically found on a well loved instrument but your chrome still looks brand new, Mojo-Mounts will help you get the final part of the look, corrosion. Mojo mounts will allow you to mount your instrument to the undercarriage of your vehicle because nothing says road worn like road dirt, and the best place to find road dirt is the underside of a car. The length of time you should leave the instrument mounted to the bottom of your car varies by region and time of year. For example if you live in Michigan and its winter time one hour of driving on the salted roads could simulate 40 years of corrosion, but if you are in Texas you may have to leave your bass attached to the bottom of your car for 9-10 months to achieve the desired effect. Mojo-Mounts have a secure padlock locking mechanism to deter the thieves looking under your car for musical instruments to steal.

    So that's the rundown for my Idea don't try to steal it because that would be wrong, and your products would create bad Mojo because of it.

    Investors.... anyone....? :eyebrow:
    Nobody likes this.
  2. JamesGoodall


    Aug 29, 2011

    This is the best relic-ing run down I've ever seen. I will save money, go buy a crappy Squier J from a pawn shop, and then proceed testing your invention. If all goes well, I will invest.

    All jokes aside, I thank you for the laugh :)
  3. Well-done!
  4. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim Supporting Member

    So sad, and so appropriate.....
  5. Erich Bruning

    Erich Bruning

    Nov 25, 2003
    I love it! For a really heavy mojo look, I guess I'd need tp strap it to a Jeep and hit some off road parks.
  6. braud357

    braud357 Supporting Member

    Jul 1, 2010
    Gonzales, LA
    Brilliant !!
  7. AaronMB


    Aug 17, 2012
    Central Oregon

    Your deluxe package could offer a plane ticket via Delta.
  8. drummer5359

    drummer5359 Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 10, 2011
    Pittsburgh PA USA
    I'm preparing to beta test for you as I type this...

    Wow, now I have a use for my 1970's belt buckles.
  9. Staredge


    Aug 7, 2010
    Germantown, MD
  10. TRyan5289


    Jul 18, 2012
    Davenport, Iowa
    Can I get in on stocks? :D
  11. drummer5359

    drummer5359 Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 10, 2011
    Pittsburgh PA USA
    Almost half of talkbass would likely jump in on the initial public stock offering.

    Almost half of talkbass would likely buy the product.

    I'd likely do both.
  12. fourfinger

    fourfinger Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 17, 2003
    Central Ohio
    Please describe the Sandpaper Sport Coat's optional Shop Vac attachment in greater detail.
  13. Auguste


    Apr 5, 2012
    Now that is really funny
  14. I've heard that USPS already use the mojo mounts to transport basses.
  15. Thanks for all the positive responses I guess I should clear up a few details:
    I really should not discuss this because it's a government contract but it is true USPS does deliver guitars using Mojo-mounts and has used them for years. The main difference between consumer Mojo-Mounts and Government Mojo-Mounts is mounting location. The postal union requires the mojo-mounts be installed on the bumpers of the postal vehicles rather than underneath, because crawling under a postal truck to deliver a bass is a safety concern. UPS and FedEx also use bumper style Mojo-Mounts. Statistics have shown a definite decrease in delivery vehicle damage during accidents since Mojo-Mounts were rolled out...

    The early prototype looked like an umbrella turned upside-down that you stood in, but the production version is much more streamlined. To hook it up all you have to do is run the 2" Shop-vac hose discretely through the fly of your jeans where it hooks into the Sports-coat right behind the Rash-Master belt buckle.

    I want to add Mojo not turn basses into kindling, this will never work.

    Look for an IPO in early 2014 TB members will have a chance for the Pre-sale....
  16. True inspiration! :D

    Many years ago I worked at the warehouse outlet of a fairly well-known furniture maker in New Hampshire. They sold kits of their popular items so you could make them and "relic" them to your own tastes - faux antiquing!

    Two techniques I remember to speed up the worn look were to 1) take a key ring full of keys and bash it against the unfinished surfaces before painting/finishing. The other 2) was to use an ice pick and stab the holy h*&k out of the thing. The pro the mothership brought in made it look easy, fun, and his efforts were convincing in the final product.

    Now I predict a run on pawnshop basses..... :bag:

  17. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    Don't think about it too much. It just sucks.

    (rim shot please)
  18. I just saw the perfect term used on a guitar forum "faux Jo" and I love it so watch your local Guitar center for Johnny Mo's Faux-Jo Mojo kit. Save that 15% off coupon because its going to be spendy...
  19. Raymeous


    Jul 2, 2010
    San Diego
    I've never been a fan of the whole "Road Worn" thing as a matter of principal. If they make you happy go for it, but it's just not my thing.

    I do however own what I consider a REAL road worn Strat. I got it at 13 and now that I'm 40 it has seen plenty of abuse. It has its dings and chips and a couple rounds of new hardware to replace the rusty bits. This thing has gone with me from noodling at home while watching cartoons to highschool talent shows, from garage bands to bar bands, and even toured the world with me during my time in the US Navy.

    It's a bastardized best friend that can never be truly replaced and that has meaning to me.

    If you want a road worn, either buy dasbusking's kit, or simply play your guitar or bass for 20+ years. :bag:
  20. MEKer

    MEKer Supporting member

    May 30, 2006
    What about the fake cigarette burns needed on the headstock if you are not a smoker?