• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Not music related jokes?

#22
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of 18-year-old Scotch.

The bartender, thinking the guy wouldn't be able to tell the difference, pours him some of the house Scotch and places the shot in front of him. The guy takes a sip, and looks disgusted. "Yuck. That isn't even a year old! I asked for 18-year-old Scotch."

The bartender decides to see just how good the guy's tasting ability is and pours him a shot of 7-year-old Scotch. Again, the guy takes a sip, and again is disgusted. "That's 7-year-old Scotch. If you don't have any 18-year-old, I'll take my business elsewhere!!"

At last, the bartender pours the right stuff. "Ahh, that is 18-year-old Scotch!", the guy says contentendly.

A moment later the local barfly drunkenly wobbles over and slams a cup down in front of the guy. "Here, try this!", the barfly slurs. The guy takes a sip and spits it out immediately. "That's piss!!!"

"Yep", replies the barfly. "But how old am I?"
 
#26
Two whales are sitting in a bar. The first whale says "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo ooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ooo OOOOOooo oooOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
Then the second one says "Dude, you are WASTED"
 
  • Like
Reactions: Atshen and zontar
#27
Two sharks, father and son, are swimming along when they come upon the scene of a shipwreck, with a dozen sailors in the water. The father shark says "Son, let me show you how we handle this."
"First, we circle them with just the tips of our fins showing." So they make a few circles. The sailors begin screaming.
"Now, we circle with our whole fins showing." They make a few more circles, while the sailors scream.
"OK, son, let's eat!"

A few minutes later the two sharks are swimming away, full of delicious chunks of human. The son shark asks a question:
"Dad, why did we swim all those circles? Why didn't we get right to the eating?"

"Well, you see, son, they taste so much better without the crap inside!"
 
  • Like
Reactions: Atshen
#31
So a man is out golfing with his wife and a friend. They get to the 17th tee and much to his dismay he shanks his first shot into the trees. After nearly 15 minutes of searching for the ball they find it is stuck between a big old oak tree and a portapotty.

The man's friend says "You'll never get that out of there and down in par"
To which the man says "oh yea? well we'll see. I bet i can ricochet the ball off that portapotty and onto the fairway and still save par."
"not a chance... you're on!" his friend retorts.

So the man lines up his shot, conciders his angles, takes a well measured swing and whoosh.... the ball flys off the club, ricochets off the portapotty and strikes his wife squarely in the forehead killing her instantly.

2 weeks later, after a suitable period of mourning, the two decide to go for another round of 18. This time the man again shanks his tee shot off the 17th into the trees, and incredibly they find the ball in almost the exact same spot as before; between the oak tree and the portapotty.

"Ok, watch this." the man says "off the portapotty and onto the fairway. No problem!"
"Hold on a second!" his friend emplores "don't you remember what happened last time?"

The man thinks for a second before realizing "oh yea!.. i shot a double bogie"
 
#32
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
 
#33
brickerenator said:
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Click to expand...

This is my favourite one yet, i'll have to remember it.
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back