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Not music related jokes?

#61
Two Pakistani's in London have lost their IT jobs. Down on their luck, they both head downtown to panhandle for money. They get off at separate Tube stations and agree to meet at Marble Arch at 6.

At 6pm they meet up and compare their success for the day. One says, "I only raised 10 pounds"

His friend asked, "Did you hold up a sign?"

His friend said, "Sure", and held up a sign that read, "I'm broke. Please give me money." "How did you do?"

"Well", he said, "I made 10,000 pounds".

"How did you do that? Did you hold up a sign?" asked his friend.

"Sure did. I held this up," he said, holding a sign that read "I'm 10 pounds short for a one way ticket back to Pakistan."
 
#63
Heroin, cocaine, and marijuana plan to rob a bank. They each hatch a gameplan.

<Heroin> : "We kick the doors down, kill everybody, take the money, and run!"

<Cocaine> : "Let's sneak through the back door, take the money, and run!"

<Marijuana> : "Man,... let's do this *tomorrow!*"
 
#65
The Pope and Obama are in front of a crowd. The Pope leaned towards Obama and said, "You know that one little wave of my hand can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be momentary, but will go deep into their hearts for the rest of their lives and whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice" Obama replied, "With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped him....
 
#66
Hope this one's ok. I have an aunt 94 years old in a hospice. I ended up attending tea with her and other oldies from the hospice. A lady in her 80s told this and all the others at the table were twittering away. If it passed that censorship maybe it'll be ok here.

A grandpa takes his grandson to the mall and soon loses him. The boy gets panicked a goes to the 1st important person he sees, a security guard. He tells the guard what's going on, and the guard asks him what the grandpa's name is to which the boy replies "his name? His name's grandpa!". The security guard asks him "what's he like?. The little boy says "what's he like?", "he likes beer and big t**s!"
 
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#69
Frank is in the hospital

Who in the hell is Frank?

Well Frank is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Frank replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Frank is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
 
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#77
My kids like this one:

Three crooks are running from the cops. They split up and hide, one hides in a covered dog cage, one hides in a big box if cats, then the last one hides in a sack of potatoes.

So the cops reach the dog cage They give the cage a kick.

The crook goes "woof woof"
The cops move on and then reach the cat cage and give it a kick.

The second crook goes "meow"
So they move on to the sack of potatoes.

They give the sack of potatoes a kick.

The third crook yells "POTATOES!"
 
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#78
slobake said:
Why did the cheeseburger break up with the hot dog?


Because he couldn't cut the mustard.
Click to expand...
Oh lord. Please, just stop.

A man goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "I have bad, then worse news. Which would you like to hear first?"

"Eh, let's go for the bad..."

"You have twenty-four hours to live".

"What! How can that get any worse," the man exclaims.

"Well," the doctor says.
"I've been trying to call you since yesterday".
 
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